We went on a hike today at Hocking Hills. It was a beautiful day; really nice and sunny mid 70s. We took our dog with us and for the most part I was able to keep my mind off of things. This is why I love hiking. 

Why don’t I love hiking? 

People. 

People everywhere. 

People whom I assume know my story (because like I said, shouldn’t they? I fucking wear it on my face every day) and don’t. Oh you think my dogs cute and you’d like to pet him? Ok cool, but can’t you just feel how hurt I am deep down? Can’t you see it?  Doesn’t the pain just radiate off of me? 

It’s not their fault that I feel this way- I know that. But, it just seems so crazy to me that I’m dealing with this catastrophic tornado in my head and on the outside I look normal. How is this possible. 

People were baby wearing today. Hiking. With babies tied to them. What the hell? Last time I checked, hiking is kind of oh…dangerous? Especially at hocking hills. It’s wet, muddy and covered with moss. People blow my freakin mind. Hey, asshole, ever consider the fact that you might fall with your baby attached to you? Sure it seems like you know what you’re doing and you’re confident in your “hiking” abilities but, I was confident in my pregnancy carrying abilities and my daughter died so…

The worst can happen. It happens more than people care to believe. 

Don’t take your newborns hiking, people. 

I’ve been so irritated as of lately. I’m grumpy, extremely stressed and I’m losing my hair. This is seriously a no win situation for me. I’m just feeling overwhelmed again. It comes and goes but mostly stays here; looming heavily no matter what. Somedays my grief feels too heavy to carry. 

Tonight, it was so heavy that I just started crying when I got out of the shower. I don’t even know how or why it hit me so hard, maybe I had been holding it in all day. 

Maybe I hold it in every day.