I was googling just now to see if there were signs to place on your hospital door after you have your rainbow baby; I’m looking for a sign that says all the things that I don’t want to repeat 10+ times to each different person who enters my room on my care team.

While googling I came across an article titled “Heartbreaking ‘rainbow baby’ photo captures joy after loss”, so I clicked it because well…it sounds like it would be something I wanted to look at.

Long story short, a second time mom got pregnant and immediately started telling her family, lost the baby at 5 weeks and ended up pregnant again a month later that produced her rainbow. The article goes on to talk about how “tragic” her early miscarriage was, and how “devastated” they were. Yes, while I have had 2 early miscarriages and know that they are HORRIBLE and so sad, and you lose everything you thought you were going to have…the late term loss of my daughter, one week before she should have been born (and THREE WHOLE  GESTATIONAL WEEKS LATER THAN HER BROTHER WAS BORN AND SURVIVED) was leaps and bounds more difficult than the early losses. I don’t mean to sound like I’m playing the pain olympics here…but yikes.

The words that the writer used in this article pissed me off SO bad. Like…to the point I went looking for an e-mail address to write this person and be like “um…your article is ridiculous”. The way the article is titled, I expected to read a story of a mother losing a child late term, or after birth, and then see a photo of her holding her rainbow after birth or something…nope.

The article is full of those “cute” naked baby pics with rainbow headbands…

Da. Fuq.

Hey, People Magazine, if you’re reading this (LOL), this article was the worst. THE WORST.

Anyway. I haven’t come across any signs, but I did find out that there are apparently signs that are placed on the doors at hospitals after you lose a child to alert all staff to not say something stupid to you. The nurses at the hospital after we had Kenley were amazing. Some of the cried with us, some of them were the only people ever to dress Kenley. I’ve never spoken to them since. I don’t know that I would be able to complete a sentence honestly. Shane and I decided that we want to have a lunch catered to the staff on a day that all of them are there. That’s my next plan of action to discuss with my hospital contact.

I’m pretty nervous the closer we get to the actual day that Alden is scheduled to arrive. I think about how Kenley had a date she was supposed to arrive. I’m trying to separate the two of them, but I don’t know how you’re supposed to do something so intense? How am I supposed to look at this pregnancy different than Kenley’s? Logically I know they are two different children/pregnancies, and that rationally there is no reason Alden should die as well, but it’s like…you can’t help but think that way?

I was given two bottles of soap to use before the surgery; one the night before, and one the morning before. I have to be at the Hospital at 5:30 am and that is intimidating to me. I know that I will be super anxious, and probably not sleep at all the night before, maybe I’ll pull an all nighter, who knows.

The anxiety and anticipation is really really high tonight. I’m assuming it’s only going to increase, but I’m ok with that. I’m ready to bring this girl home, but first… lets get through the next 67 days with my sanity.