It seems that every time I come to post something, nothing feels right.
I just don’t know how many ways there are to say that I miss my daughter. I think I’m beginning to see that people are assuming we should “be over it”, and should be moving on. Certain people say things or imply things which make me feel so angry inside. They talk to me like I never lost Kenley; like she didn’t exist and I should be ok with other babies her age.
Lemme just go ahead and put this out there for the record (and this will stand FOREVER): I will NEVER be ok with children her age. Not now, not when she should be 5, or 10, or 40. NEVER. I will look at these children and see my own dead child. That’s just the way it is. Not a pity party for us as a family, or me as a Mother, it’s just a fact.
There are some people in my life who understand, but honestly I can tell their patience is wearing thin. It amazes me that people think I should be up for more. Or that I should be able to “be around babies/showers/baby things/pregnant people”.
I know that from the outside looking in, we look “whole” again. We have our kids, and our life and each other, which I am SO grateful for every day, but ultimately, guess what? We are down one child.
It doesn’t matter if we have a new baby, that doesn’t take away the pain of seeing other babies.
You know what I see when I see your baby? Me, holding my lifeless Daughter. My Husband holding her hand while the photographer takes a picture so we can remember what it looked like after we leave the Hospital and never see it again. EVER.
Your joy is my pain. While you are watching your child meet milestone after milestone, I am starting over. I have a newborn, instead of an 18 month old.
I just don’t think people get it. IT is a very rough thing to think about, so I like to give people the benefit of the doubt in weird situations. Maybe they don’t know how to act, or maybe they think it’s ok to tell me about their child who is Kenley’s age or whatever. But MY GOD–Have some awareness.
Life is changing. My time is consumed by Alden, and my growing love for her fills my heart with joy. My heart is never fully happy though, and that just stings so much. I can’t be 100% again, because part of me died on December 29th with Kenley. I wouldn’t ever want to be 100% again, because that means I never had her and…just no.
I’ve been feeling pretty angry lately. Angry in the sense of “why me”. Angry because the greatest moment of our life turned into the worst and saddest moment that we will ever live through. Angry because I’m a damn good Mother, and I deserve my baby. I don’t smoke or drink or do drugs. We can provide anything and everything a child could ever want. And yet, my perfect child dies. The universe is cruel and unfair.
So that’s why I don’t post every day like before. Because I’m a broken record. Because every day is the same. Because I wake up every day feeling the same way, and some days are better than others, but most days I’m just sad. Most days my heart breaks for a million different reasons and I long to hold my daughter again.
I miss everything about the before.
I don’t know who I am anymore, and it’s heartbreaking to know that I will never figure that out again.
Because, how do you figure out who you are when one of your children has died…?
You just don’t.