sinner.

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After Kenley died I heard a plethora of the standard platitudes. A lot of the “it was gods plan” (it wasn’t) or “everything happens for a reason” (it doesn’t). When you lose a child those things are not comforting to anyone except the person saying them. Hearing that everything (my child dying) happened for a reason was and always will be like a knife in my already broken heart; salt in the wound.

Today, I went to get a pedicure. It’s the first time I’ve been out of the house to do something for me in a while. I was hesitant to leave, but I knew it would be good for me. I sat down, and started to soak my feet; I really need this I thought to myself. It will be good for me. The lady who was working had a kind face. She started out asking if I had just gotten off work to which I replied “No, I’m a stay at home Mom and just snuck away for a little bit to relax.”  This opened up the flood gates so to speak.

“How many kids do you have?” she asked.

“I have two living children and one Daughter who was stillborn at 38w4d”.

“I am so sorry” she replied, “I cannot imagine how difficult that must be”.

I thank her for her condolences and continue to look at my phone in hopes of her ending the conversation. (In my head I think the usual “yeah you’re right, you couldn’t ever know unless you’ve lost a child”) 

What she said next took me by surprise and caused me to feel a pain I haven’t felt in a really long time.

She looked at me and said ” In my culture, we believe that babies who die before birth, or are born with handicaps have sinned in a previous life, and therefore that is their punishment. You could think of it like that if it would help you feel less stressed.”

She’s lucky these words came out of her mouth as she was finished with my pedicure, and in a room full of way too many women for me to make a scene. I could not, for one second, believe that she thought it was ok to say this to a complete stranger. Your culture believes that my unborn child sinned in a previous life, they believe my innocent baby girl was a sinner, and so that’s why she didn’t get to live? What is the matter with people?

THIS is exactly why I don’t believe in organized religion AT ALL.

These people, and their Gods. Are you KIDDING me?

I left, and I cried the entire ride home. I cried hard. I haven’t felt that level of anger at a person in a long time. I wanted to scream at her, and just scream in general. How dare she think that my child is anything less than perfection. She is perfect. She will always be perfect. She was never touched by the worlds cold hands. She only knew love and comfort in my womb.

My momma heart was hurt tonight at the hands of an ignorant person. I miss my sweet daughter more than anyone could ever know, and to think for even one second that she is less than absolute perfection just broke my heart into a million pieces.

Kenley, my sweet girl, you are not a sinner. You are nothing but perfect. I love you with all that I am, and all that I will ever become in this life time. I cannot wait for the day that we are reunited and I can feel your skin against my face. Mommy loves you.

 

21 thoughts on “sinner.”

  3. 😲 holy crap! A) I wouldn’t have paid for that pedicure, b) I probably would’ve been arrested for doing something this woman deserved. I am SO sorry Randi!!! I am so angry for you!! I went to catholic school for 8 years and got into a verbal battle with a priest teaching our religion class about how HE and the Catholic Church believe that only Catholics go to heaven. Um. Excuse me, Jesus was a JEW. I cannot STAND organized religion. And for anyone to think that an innocent child, who was never exposed to this cruel world is anything but perfect….this is part of the reason I hate (most) people.

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    • I think I was in total shock or else I probably would have started crying and kicked her in the face while she was painting my toes!! People are entitled to their thoughts and beliefs but holy shit. Did that not raise any flags in her brain?!

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      • As I was reading, I was definitely imagining you kicking her in the face- like how perfect of a position? (Especially since she needed a foot in her damn mouth!!!) But really. People suck! (((Hugs)))

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  4. I will never understand how some people can be so hurtful and not realize that what they say is hurtful. I’m so sorry that another person..better yet someone who is nothing to you, hurt you so deeply. The power of words, I hate that they can knock the wind out of us when we least expect it. When you talk about Kenley I feel her perfection in your words and in your heart. She’s loved by so many people.

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    • Thank you so much Terri! I know she is loved, and I am so thankful to everyone who loves her. This woman doesn’t know my sweet girl- she doesn’t know what she is missing 💗🦊

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  5. It’s to bad her culture doesn’t teach them empathy and how to keep their mouths shut. To each their own but how can anyone in their right mind think that is okay to say to someone ? I would call and let whom ever she works for know what she said. It was not appropriate. Lov ya girl and I’m up for getting a posse together and going to have a talk with her.

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    • I know you always have my back, Sussetti!! Shane told me to call the owner as well, but I’m afraid I’ll just burst into tears when I start talking about it. Ugh!!

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