t-ball.

On Wednesday night I got a voicemail from Landon’s t-ball coach. He told us that Landon’s team had practice this Saturday @ 11am. It’s been raining for 3 days, and I’m pretty sure that practice is going to be canceled tomorrow (not to mention it’s freezing cold for May).  Shane and I went out the next day to buy him new cleats and baseball pants while he was at School.

I was doing dishes tonight and my mind got to thinking about last t-ball season. After one of the first practices last year is when I started my blog. I think about how fresh in my grief I was, and about the things that bothered me then. If I’m being honest, not much has changed. I know a lot of people think that by now, at 16 months and 6 days after our daughter was stillborn, we should be feeling better, but the sad truth is we’re just not. I don’t know that we will ever “feel better” as I’m pretty sure this isn’t something you learn to feel better about. I think about how I was so upset seeing the family who had 3 kids perfectly spaced out…and that stings even more this year in some odd way.

Three kids.

I have 2

but…I have 3.

And this year, we’re on a team where no one knows our family’s story…

I’m not looking forward to all the families- the normal families- at these events. There were more strollers at the games last year than I could ever count. Now this year, I have to witness the little girls running around that would be Kenley’s age. I just don’t know how your heart is supposed to handle these things…year after year…

I know it’s a lifetime thing, and someday I’m sure i’ll be less aware of the ages of these children, but for now it just fucking sucks. And it sucks a lot.

I’m very excited to have Alden here, safe, in my arms. I’m excited that she gets to come to Landon’s t-ball games and he gets to show her off to his friends. I’m thrilled that I feel stressed out about having two kids and often having to take them alone to Landon’s games as Shane will be working…but…

There will always be one missing. It feels weird to say that because who knows, maybe there wouldn’t always be one missing per se. If Kenley had lived, we wouldn’t have Alden- we were done. If Kenley had lived things would be different. If Kenley had lived, I would be chasing around a 16 month old and she would be eating popcorn and waving at her brother while he’s on third base putting dirt in his glove instead of paying attention to the ball.

So many If’s associated with loss, and it’s just so sad to think about. I don’t like to let my mind go there because it’s too sad and painful. I can’t even do the “May we all heal” prompts this year. I’m pretty sure my grief has just become a part of me now; it’s now deep in my bones where it will stay for the rest of my earthly life.

I think my grief is so intense that I cannot allow myself to think about it because it will straight up kill me.

Imagine having to live every day knowing that you cannot see one of your children. Ever again.

Imagine waking up to their photo- in which they are dead-  instead of their face.

Imagine thinking about the day they died every. second. of. your. life.

Imagine thinking if you had gone to the Hospital that morning instead of waiting that she could be here, she would be alive, they could have saved her because the doctor said she had only been gone for less than 3 hours.

Imagine having to choose one of your children to live without.

It’s enough to kill you, isn’t it?

 

body.

After being pregnant for nearly 2 years, I have a hard time looking at my non pregnant self. I find that I am so used to being pregnant that I don’t like the way I look while not pregnant. I’ve never had high self esteem, and am always picking myself apart, so being pregnant made me feel beautiful. When I was pregnant with Landon, I wore scrubs a lot and didn’t really care about “being pregnant”, but as the years went on I learned to appreciate pregnancy and the way women looked while carrying a baby. I never thought I would get to carry another child so when I got pregnant with Kenley, I was thrilled.

I watched my body change and grow; I was so thrilled when I started getting a bump. As it grew, I loved watching how it looked in different clothes. I would take weekly bump pictures to watch how it changed and compare them to the previous weeks. I documented everything next to my  bump; If Landon gave me a flower for his sister, I would take a photo with it next to my bump, or I would take pictures of Landon kissing my bump. I loved taking a bath with my bump sticking out of the water, watching Kenley move around. E I thought I became in tune with her movements inside, but I guess I hadn’t. That is one thing that just eats at me every day.

When Kenley died, I lost all of my weight in the Hospital. I ended up losing 50 lbs in 6 weeks after I got home. It was incredibly hard to hear people say how “good” I looked. Good? I just lost my daughter…the one thing that I wanted more than anything in the entire world has been ripped away from me and you’re going to compliment the way I look. It was so hard to hear those words. It is still hard to hear compliments.

The 7 months that I was not pregnant, I didn’t eat much, I didn’t focus on anything except the fact I had lost my daughter and trying to get pregnant again. When I got pregnant with Alden, I was terrified at how I would feel when I started to get a bump again. I was scared that it would cause PTSD, or it would make me sick looking at it. The opposite happened actually. I found that once it started to happen, I sort of allowed myself to let the walls down a bit. 

Around 20 weeks, Shane and I went to babies r us for the first time since before Kenley died. I cried first thing through the door, and a few times while inside. I bought Alden’s first piece of clothing that day- A carters 3 piece set that said “one of a kind” and the pants had a mouse on the butt. I felt like the shirt I bought for her said it all. 

Now that she’s here safely, I am back to struggling with the way I look. I don’t know if I’ll ever be pregnant again, and that’s really sad to me. I guess it might be time for me to work on accepting the person I am when not pregnant. It’s so complicated because I feel like I’ve lost myself; if I’m not the woman who is trying to conceive, undergoing infertility treatments, or carrying a baby…who am I? 

It’s been a really long 5 years.