it’s been a long time.

I haven’t written in far too long. I’m always busy and I hate that I can’t sit down and have a one on one with my laptop these days. There has been so much happening in my life that I want to pour out here, but whenever I come here to do so, I feel defeated. Overwhelmed. Tired. Sad.

I remember a time when I wrote every. single. day. It was therapy for me, and it made me feel better. Then, slowly over time it became less and less. Until it became a few times a month, and now it’s been a month and a half since I last posted.

I’m tried. All the time. Sure, you’re thinking I’m tired because of the girls, and life etc etc, but I’m not talking about that kind of tired. Lately I’ve realized that I’m tried because of Kenley’s death. I’m sad because of it. I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed, and anxious and feel crazy because of it. It literally shapes every single day of my life even when I feel like I’m having  a good day. When I think I’m having a good day, I still don’t.

Kenley has been gone for nearly 3 years and 7 months.

The past 3 years and 7 months of my life as this new person has been full of emotions I never expected to feel again, which makes me so happy…yet these moments are shadowed in sadness? Normal people get to just feel the happiness. Why can’t I just feel that again? Why me? Why our family? Why my sweet perfect girl? This life shouldn’t be mine because she was perfect, and we are good people.

Sure, I’ve fucked up in my life before. And honestly? I wonder if Kenley dying was my karma. I blame myself every day for not realizing she stopped moving. I will always blame myself for her death, because I am her Mother and I let her down. I cannot change that.

I miss her. I see her in every day things that she will never be able to do. I see her in the faces of my beautiful girls. I see her in the way Landon looks at them. It’s so sad. IT’S SO SAD. We have a baby who is dead. How fucking sad can that sound to other people???

I just want her back. Today is hard for some reason. I’ve been struggling all evening and feel that I could be having a very mild anxiety attack. Nothing triggered me, that I know of. I am just so tired of it all. It’s always so heavy…always.

Forever.

death.

On May 21st, Shane’s  Grandmother passed away after a year and a half of struggling with multiple illnesses. Recently, after a trip to the urgent care she was diagnosed with a tumor on her adrenal gland which was later classified as secondary Cancer (meaning she had cancer somewhere else as well). The past few years have been extremely difficult for Shane’s Mom, and it shows. She is rundown, and tired. She is overworked, and never has a free second. Living in constant fear every time the phone would ring, just knowing it could be her Mom needing the squad again.

Lovada spent a lot of her last year of life in the Hospital. I have been thinking about all the things that I wanted to show her still. I wanted to take her to our house so she could see what it looked like. I wanted to take the girls to her house and let them look at her goldfish pond. I feel a lot of guilt that I didn’t take them over to see her more, but she was very sick for a long time. Honestly, she’s been sick since they were both born so I try to remind myself of that.

She was the heart of her family, and I know that everyone is terribly heartbroken. I keep randomly crying because I will think of her. It’s so weird that she is gone. I know that it is part of life, and she had a great one, but still. She was an amazing grandmother to all her grandkids, and great grand kids. I think another reason why it hits so hard is the fact that I can’t see my own grandma very often. Life is so fleeting; you’re here to die. It’s just the truth of the matter, honestly.

I know that wherever Kenley is, Lovada is as well. I know that they are together, and that  gives me a little comfort. I don’t believe in heaven, or hell, or god in the typical sense, but I know that my sweet baby is being held and loved on by her Great Grandma Dayda (what Alden calls her),

Lovada’s death was the first one in our family since Kenley died. I think that has something to do with my pain and grief. I think it’s bringing up bad feelings of that early grief and anger.

She is leaving behind so many. She had so much left to do here. So many of us needed her, and wanted her to stay.

It’s all so similar to Kenley. She left us all behind. She had her ENTIRE life ahead of her, and we all wanted her more than there are words to express.

Death:  The definition of complication.

I miss you, Lovada. We love you.

 

Lovada Fitzpatrick Obituary

Lovada Fitzpatrick

Carroll – Lovada Fitzpatrick, 81, of Carroll, OH, went home to be with her Lord on Tuesday, May 21, 2019 at her home surrounded by her family. Lovada was born August 11, 1937 in Peach Creek, WV to the late Thomas D. and Brookie (Dillon) Beckett. She was proud of her heritage as a “coal miner’s daughter,” and instilled into her own children and grandchildren the same values of generosity, kindness, hard work and enduring faith with which she was raised. Besides her parents, she was preceded in death by her brothers, Curt and Ralph Beckett; a special sister, Roxie Cox; grandson, Kyle Brigner; great-granddaughter, Kenley Hayes; as well as brothers-in-laws, James Sanders, Melvin Cox and Ralph Damron. Lovada was raised at Kirk, WV where her dad was postmaster and her family ran Beckett Grocery. She graduated from Lenore High School in 1955 prior to moving to Columbus. She was an avid quilter, enjoyed cooking, and often enjoyed returning to her native West Virginia. Lovada leaves behind a legacy of love and family. She was of the Baptist faith, and a member of the Open Door Freewill Baptist Church in Lancaster. Lovada worked for Bloom-Carroll Local Schools as a cook for 16 years, and later as a greeter at Meijer, Lancaster. She is survived by her loving and devoted husband of 63 years, Bennie Fitzpatrick.

 

life.

It’s becoming harder and harder to find time to do things that I enjoy. Blogging especially has been put on the back burner and I hate it. I pretty much have the same things to say over and over in different ways, but it is so comforting being here in front of the keyboard knowing that I get some time with Kenley.

Life has been super busy, and it seems to only keep getting busier. Landon is in baseball which takes up a lot of time, and the girls are SO. BUSY. ALL. OF. THE. TIME. which wears me out so much (cue never having any time for anything). I’m so grateful to be their mom but sometimes I cannot wait for it to be bed time.  I mean it helps that they look super cute in their PJs so…

I still haven’t been able to donate Kenley’s Care Packages. I don’t know why. WHY CAN’T I DO IT? I know what good they will bring, and I just like cannot bring myself to donate them, and make it happen. Actually maybe it’s not just the boxes that I’m procrastinating on…I feel like lately I’m dragging my feet about making commitments to little things even. I’m not sure what it is, or why it’s happening but I’m finding that I’m more and more frustrated with myself over it. Oh, and I feel like I’m constantly second guessing everything I do. Yet I don’t really care all at the same time? I don’t know how to describe it.

It’s almost Mother’s Day, a day which makes me and many of the women I’ve come to love, want to curl up and die. A day where Mother’s are celebrated…but only if you have children that you can see. Which, is kind of shitty, because even then you’re celebrated but your dead baby is not included in the count; They’re left out and forgotten. Who wants to be sad on Mother’s day?! GOD FORBID. *insert dramatic eye roll*

I am pretty sure that I’m going to pretend the day is normal and that is that. Shane works anyway so it’s not like I could even get a break if I wanted one? What I REALLY want is to sleep in a hotel bed, in the silence, alone, cuddled up with 50,000 pillows, AND sleep past 6 am. I mean I know that won’t happen, but a girl can dream right? I heard on the news that Kraft will pay for baby sitting up to $100 for moms who need a break. I should check into that…totally kidding.

or am I?

Anyway, this post is just to say hi and that I am still here. I have so many things I want to talk about and discuss, I just cannot find the time. Maybe it will be my new goal to commit to writing once a week at the very minimum. I wrote EVERY DAY for the longest time. Then it tapered off….now it’s like nonexistent. I need a place where I can come and just vent and say the most random things if need be, and that’s why I love this place.

This is my space, and I share it with my beautiful child who lives in the stars. I share it with all of my beautiful children, but it feels more like Kenley and I’s special place.

I just need some time to connect to her. I miss her. I miss everything she was to me. I miss who I was before she died. I miss who we were as a family before she died. I just want to see her perfect face again. poetry about miscarriage read beautiful stillbirth poems to help grieving print famous

 

noise.

I was reading a post by Megan Devine today that I saw on Instagram, and something really stuck with me.

“We stop saying it hurts because no one listens.”

 

It’s so true. I read it and I was like…wow. That’s is just one of those things that you read and you’re immediately reassured that your feelings are valid.

Eventually people stop listening.

Our pain and grief become their background noise; They hear us, but they can choose to tune us out.

I know that everyones lives go on, and I don’t expect anyone to sit in my grief with me for over 3 years, but man. There are only about handful of people who even say Kenley’s name to me anymore. It’s so frustrating. She is a major part of my life–actually she is the sole reason my life is currently the way that it is. If she would have survived I wouldn’t have Alden or Rowan, and wouldn’t be building a house. I’m not saying that is a good thing or a bad thing one way or the other, but it is fact.

Another thing that really resonated with me was something that Jess posted on her IG. This was a quote from her wife about losing their son, Leo.

It said “In an instant I lose them both. Our sweet, wild boy is gone, And so is the life in her eyes.”

 

I can relate to this more than I want to, but it’s so true. We lost our baby girl, and we both lost ourselves. I don’t remember who I used to be, and I’ve tried many times. I can see her, in all of her naivety and happiness…floating along in life thinking nothing bad could ever happen to her…Only to have the worst thing happen. I often wonder if that woman would survive my life. I don’t think she would.

The woman I used to be was broken. She was shattered into a million pieces and this new woman was left to pick up her parts…I think I did a good job, but let me tell you there are days where I walk around and I’m a shell of who I used to be. Hell, somedays I’m a shell of who I became as well.

Life after loss is a daily struggle. A battle between my two lives, and who I have become. I feel grief and sadness every day. It’s different. It has shaped my entire life. It has changed me. It has changed my Husband. It has changed our entire universe, and every single person in our family–immediate or otherwise.

Grief is the thief of joy even when everything in your life looks to be going so well…you still have a child who is dead.

And some people just don’t seem to remember that.

 

 

Days.

1,176 days.

I cannot believe it has been that long since I held your beautiful body. You are the greatest thing to happen to me. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get to stay with us. We would have given you the very best life. I can’t even imagine how my life would be if you had lived outside of me.

You are the greatest thing I have ever done.

Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy.

I’ll love you forever.

Rowan is ONE!

How did THAT happen?! I cannot believe that at 10:32 a.m., my sweetest surprise came into this world. Screaming, dark haired and perfect. She chose to share a birth time (only a.m. v. p.m.) with Kenley. This is so special to me and makes me feel that maybe, in some way, they planned it that way for me together at one point…

Rowie, you are a bundle of laughs all the time. You are feisty, and sweet; You’re smart and out going yet a little shy. You started walking at 9.5 months, and we can’t keep you down. You have the sweetest personality and we don’t know how we ever lived with out you.

You are my greatest surprise and I am so thankful for the chance to be your Mommy. Some day I will explain to you allllllllll the things that came together to make you being in our lives possible, but for today?…

I just want you to know that I will love you with every ounce of my soul until the day that I die.

And I will love you after that, too.

Moving Mountains

I wish this blog post title was more significant than a song name, but it’s not. There are no mountains being moved here; same old me, same old grief. Actually, the grief seems to be getting…weird and different.

Today, while driving to pick Landon up from school I passed a funeral procession. Pretty terrible thing to pass, honestly. I hate that I immediately felt sad and thought about who died, but mostly I felt sad. I was overwhelmed.

I was listening to a song I had forgotten about that randomly popped into my head so I found it on youtube on my drive. It really really moves me. I used to listen to it stupidly loud in my car on my way to work when I lived in Troy.

Troy.

Landon was conceived and born in Troy. I had friends in Troy. I was normal in Troy. I didn’t have a dead child. Things were less complicated, yet at the same time they weren’t.  I don’t know. It’s so frustrating.

As the song boomed over my speakers, and I sat at the top of the hill able to see all of the cars in the funeral procession, I couldn’t help but cry.  I couldn’t stop myself. I don’t know these people…yet I’ve been those people. Who knows? Maybe they lost their child, but I doubt it. It seems like I’m the only person who has lost a healthy full term baby, I swear to god.

I couldn’t watch the cars go by. I looked out the passenger side window. I wonder if anyone noticed me intentionally looking the other way. All I could think was ” I didn’t give her a funeral and she fucking deserved it.”

She deserved at least that, and I didn’t give it to her.

I hate that I even thought that. I don’t want to think that. I don’t want to have to worry about it.

Should I have given her a funeral? How are you supposed to know what to do in that situation?

Lately I’ve noticed myself being triggered about a lot of things. I guess even at nearly 26 months out, it still stings like the day it happened.

I hate Valentine’s Day.

The first holiday that I “came out of the fog” after Kenley died.

She got a Valentine’s Day outfit for Christmas.

I remember sitting on my bed, feeling like I wanted to die. REALLY wanted to die. I felt that I wanted to hurt myself and stop living. It was the only time I really felt that.

I cried and cried and cried. Then I called psychiatrists.

No one had an opening to see me ASAP.

I remember feeling the most hopeless feeling.

I sometimes think back to those days and wonder how I survived. What pulled me through? I’d like to think that it was my strength or my family or whatever, but honestly? I think that back then I was afraid to die.

Things change.

Life is weird. 4 Valentines Days later and I still have PTSD over this day.

Most people hate it because they are alone…and I guess that’s kind of why I hate it, too.

Just alone in a totally different way.

Happy Valentines Day in the stars, my sweet Kenley. I love you and miss you every second.

Kenley’s Care Packages

I did it.

I put together the boxes.

Finally.

They are all done. I need to tie them up with ribbon, but they’re done. Landon helped me with about 6 boxes. He knows that one of the books in the boxes make me sad, and he asked why. I explained to him what the books mean and why we are donating the boxes. He said he understood and that the book might not be sad to everyone. I said that the book is sad to people who lose babies because of the way you feel when you read it; the words mean something completely different when your baby dies. I’m not sure if he truly understands or not.

It’s hard to think about how I was able to throw a birthday party for him after Kenley died. Thinking about how it’s so hard for me to complete the task of throwing him a party now, even this far out, it just makes my mind explode thinking about how I was able to have a get together shortly after my life changed forever. I know I wanted to make his life feel as normal as possible, and I hope that I have done that, but I really don’t know if I’ve done a good job. I don’t know. Some days I feel like I have done well, and that he is very understanding of what happened to her, and how she impacted our lives…while other days I feel like he is a 7 year old kid who just doesn’t understand it.

He’s only 7. He was only 4 when she died. I cannot believe I have lived three years with a grieving Son, and without my first born Daughter. It seriously makes my brain explode some days.

It is incredible to me that depression has kept me from putting these boxes together until now. I have so many things going on in my life that you would think it would make me feel less stress over one particular thing but it’s the opposite. It makes me so so anxious to know that I couldn’t get the boxes done before her birthday. AND here it is one whole month later, and I just finished them. All the pieces sat there, staring at me, for a month. I just couldn’t bring myself to assemble them. It’s SAD. It’s so sad thinking about where they are going and why they are going.

I came to write about them, and about all the things related to them, but I just can’t.

Depression wins again. I can’t do it tonight.

land.

Today we signed our contract for the land and construction loan! We are officially the owners of a really boring piece of land that will become our forever home soon! I can’t believe it. I am so ready to get the house going, and to see what it looks like when it’s all done.

I’ll tell you what…building a house is ridiculous. The stuff that has to be done before you even START is outrageous! Not to mention all the permits you need, and the cost of said permits. It’s nuts. That’s my little update for today. I am having a hard time finding my feelings to write here, but I want to keep updating for people who follow my journey.

I feel like I have a lot to say about nothing. I feel like everything I write about Kenley will just be repetitive and never change. She is a gaping hole in my soul and I cannot change that. It’s so weird. Idk…3 years and some change later and I just miss her as much as the day she died. Somedays its awful, somedays it’s less awful and I can look at her beautiful face and feel proud to be her mom. Today, I scrolled through my blog and saw her photo and my heart sank.

It’s a crap shoot with how I will feel and I think that it’s pretty shitty that this is my forever.

It’s unfair.