Life.

A lot of things have happened in our life since I’ve really updated. God, I don’t even know what the last thing was that I updated about.

-We sold our house.

-We lived with Shane’s Parents for nearly a year.

-We built an amazing home.

-Shane’s been working mandatory 6 day work weeks for 4 years and it’s A LOT for a family to have to deal with.

-We had to buy a new trampoline and swing set (brand new gift from my dad blew down in a storm!)

-We finally have grass. Thank god.

-Because of COVID-19 Shane has been working 5 days, then off for 10 days. It has been the most refreshing thing to have him home for more than 5 minutes at a time.

-Alden is 3. Potty trained, and in a big girl bed.

-Rowan is 2, and pretty much wants to be potty trained and in a big girl bed like her sister. They’re BFFs (cue heart break).

-Landon is 9. He has his first set of braces and his teeth look amazing. He’s been homeschooling since March. He won’t be playing baseball this year because of the virus and that makes me super sad.

-I surprised Shane with a Vacation to Cozumel Mexico for our 10 year wedding anniversary in May, and now we have to cancel and I’m really really upset about it. I know…there are worse things but you know what? This sucks and I am allowed to feel that way. We haven’t gone away to the beach since our honeymoon and we were both really looking forward to this trip. Maybe next year.

So pretty much that’s whats been going on here! Life is chaos, all the time literally. I’m ready for some spring time weather. I hope you’re all staying safe!

 

five years ago today

Five years ago today I found out that our third IUI worked and I was pregnant with my second child. FINALLY. After nearly 3 years of fertility treatments, and drug after drug after drug I was going to hopefully get to keep this baby.

Five years ago.

1/2 the time that I have been married to the love of my life.

How is it possible that something as tragic as losing a CHILD has made me love my husband more than before? I don’t know and I don’t understand but that seems to be par for the course these days; not understanding is a running theme for my life.

I don’t think that anyone will ever understand why certain things happen to certain people and not others. I don’t WANT someone to lose their baby, ever. But, it just seems like every single person that I know who has lost a baby, is the best person ever. It’s unfair. I have internet loss friends, who I now consider to be my best friends, that have stable jobs, and homes, make enough money to provide anything a child could need or want, and hearts big enough to give a baby all the love in the entire world…yet their babies died.

I haven’t written in a long time.

I’m busy.

It’s an excuse; I don’t want to open that part of my heart up most days, honestly. I’m sad. I have bad days. I have A LOT of bad days. I have moments where I want to give up, days even. Most of the time I don’t even get dressed or do my makeup for the day. I am just existing. Even before lock down. I know that part of it is the fact that I stay home with the kids, and that’s fine, but I have zero desire to do much of anything. Ever.

I don’t want to wake up.

I don’t want to clean, or do chores.

I don’t want to play with the kids.

I want to sit and zone out.

Shane has made jokes about me standing at the kitchen island because that’s all that I do anymore. He asked me to do something with him the other day and I said I didn’t want to because I didn’t like that specific thing, and he joked “well if we did what you wanted, we would just stand at the island for a few hours.”

And he’s right.

I stand here all day…mind zoned out, literally thinking about nothing and feeling like I’m in a fog ALL day.

I am on medication, but I’m not sure that it’s working. The doctor gave me another medication to take on top of my current one, but it makes me so tired. Being more tired than I feel currently means that I am unable to function.

Kenley’s death has changed so much of me. Like literally all of me. I’m a different person for many reasons now. In this unfortunate after life that I’m forced to live forever with out her, I am a shell. I am foggy, and grief ridden and sad 80-90% of the time. I hate it so much because I loved our life for so long, and now…I love it, but I feel like an outsider.

Don’t get me wrong (because I know a lot of you probably read this and think I want to die–I don’t) I love my life with Shane and the kids SO much. We have so many things that I am so thankful for, and that bring me so much joy, but I constantly feel a rain cloud over my head. I don’t know how to explain it. Imagine living every single day, from start to finish, when it’s raining, and gloomy outside. No sunshine except like a few days in every month. Rain is beautiful and relaxing, but sometimes you need a fucking break from it and you need to feel the sunshine on your skin to make you feel alive again.

Grief is like living in a rainstorm. You can’t fucking change it…It’s gonna rain. That’s just the weather, and you gotta deal until it stops…

I just miss her. I miss the things I didn’t get to do with her. I miss what my life would have been with her. I miss who I would have been had she survived.

I’ve said it 10,000 times before and I’ll say it again…It’s so god damn unfair.

 

 

4.

Today is your fourth birthday. I can still remember the way your skin felt under my fingers–like cool velvet. I would give anything to feel that again.

4 years ago on this day I woke up and had no clue my life would be forever changed. But, maybe I did? I naively thought that all was well, and that we would get to keep you. But, this day four years ago I found out the truth.

Nothing is guaranteed. Life is fragile.

I found out what it feels to die; to have your entire soul ripped from your chest and tossed away never to be repaired.

I found out what it felt like to lose everything you have ever known to be true about yourself, your husband, your life.

When you were born I found out what it feels like to give birth to death. I held you, the exquisite, perfect human we had created after years of infertility, as you were lifeless. You never knew life outside of me, and you never knew pain or hate or heartbreak.

When you were born still, my world shattered around me. I changed. We changed. He changed. Your brother changed. Your grandparents and great grand parents and aunts and uncles changed. You changed us; you brought us closer, even though you left us.

My sweet Kenley, I, still and always, will never know why I didn’t get to keep you. I will never know why you had to be taken from us 4 days after Christmas and 4 days before I was scheduled for a c-section. FOUR DAYS. I hold on to so much hate and anger toward my doctors for this. I asked, begged, pleaded to be taken at 38 weeks and no one listened. 38 weeks was Christmas. No one wanted to be bothered.

I bet they wish they had listened to a mother’s intuition now.

It’s like I knew in the depths of my soul that I wouldn’t be able to keep you.

I feel like such a failure; I’m an outcast and an example. I couldn’t keep you alive, in the safest place possible. What kind of Mother am I?

It has taken me years but, I know that your death was not my fault. I know that what happened was out of my control, but it still hurts.

I look at your brother and it hurts to think about the pain he has endured. The loss that he has suffered as well. How little he was when I had you…it breaks my heart into a million pieces.

I look at Alden and I don’t see any of you, but I know that she would not be here in the slightest if you were and I swear to god that’s one of the hardest feelings to wrap my head around.

I look at Rowan and I see you. I see your hair and eyes. I see your nose and mouth. I see you. I watch her grow and wonder if she looks like you. I see you in her in many many ways, and it’s heartbreaking and lovely all at the same time.

I admit that time has softened some things for me, yet some things take me right back to that day. I struggle with anxiety on the daily and I am often taken by surprise at the things that trigger me now a days.

You should be here.

We should be together. I should be holding your hand while we walk through the store. I should know how you smell, and know the color of your eyes, and the freckles on your face.

But I don’t.

And I never will.

And that’s the hardest most painful realization in the whole universe.

No matter how bad I want you back, I just cannot have you. Nothing will ever make that right.

Happy 4th birthday in the stars my beautiful first born daughter.

You are so loved every second of every day. Mommy cannot wait to hold you again some day. I love you forever.

neglect.

I’ve been neglecting this space. I couldn’t figure out why, but when I really thought about it, it boiled down to me not having the desire to reach into my grief anymore. I’ve been neglecting my grief, too. After such a long time it just feels so hard to reach into my past that intensely. It makes me sad. It makes me angry, and it makes me feel cheated.

I’ve been shoving my grief down, not because I want to, but strictly because I have no other choice. I have to live with it, and I have to function for my living children. Christmas is coming up…Halloween has past and Thanksgiving will be here shortly. This year things feel softer? I don’t know how to explain it other than that. The sharpness isn’t there for some things, and for others they seem to be less sharp and triggering. There are tons of triggers still…for example I was at the grocery store and of course there is christmas music playing. It just seemed to be so loud, and I felt physically ill.  Christmas was everywhere; cookie boxes, banners, advertisements. I hate it.

Please tell me why you have wrapping paper in the food section?! NOT. NEEDED.

Now, I understand that for 97% of the world Christmas wrapping paper in the food section wouldn’t hurt, but it made me dizzy. It’s dumb. I don’t WANT to be triggered by these things. I used to love Christmas. I mean like OBSESSED. I will never understand why Kenley had to die, and why it had to be 4 days after Christmas.

This post is really just a stream of consciousness… I’m sad. I’m always sad. I hate that I can’t feel 100% happy for my kids. Like, happiness is constantly shadowed and it’s sad.

I hope that I can do a good enough job of faking it for them that they won’t ever know how sad I truly am.

What a pathetic sentence.

Welcome to loss mom life, amiright?

Kenley’s Care Packages

Hi, I’m here. I haven’t had the desire to write anything because it’s all the same.. I feel like all of my posts start that way anymore. We are in our new home now, which comes with a lot of emotions and stress. We are pretty much unpacked and things are flowing back into normalcy.

This year for Kenley’s Care Packages we are choosing to do something different because we donated the boxes late last year (June of this year actually…). We will do the boxes next year, but this year we are donating to the PreK where Kenley should have been attending this fall.

With the help of the PreK, I’ve created a  wish list on amazon of the most used/most played with items. The PreK is the one that Landon attended during Kenley’s entire pregnancy. The employees were there with us through her entire pregnancy and her birth/death. The grieved with us, and they were amazing in helping Landon work back into PreK. At his graduation the following June, we all cried together. Kenley should have been there.

I thought it would be very special to donate there this year.  Please consider helping our cause this year!

Click here to shop the Wish List! 

 

it’s been a long time.

I haven’t written in far too long. I’m always busy and I hate that I can’t sit down and have a one on one with my laptop these days. There has been so much happening in my life that I want to pour out here, but whenever I come here to do so, I feel defeated. Overwhelmed. Tired. Sad.

I remember a time when I wrote every. single. day. It was therapy for me, and it made me feel better. Then, slowly over time it became less and less. Until it became a few times a month, and now it’s been a month and a half since I last posted.

I’m tried. All the time. Sure, you’re thinking I’m tired because of the girls, and life etc etc, but I’m not talking about that kind of tired. Lately I’ve realized that I’m tried because of Kenley’s death. I’m sad because of it. I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed, and anxious and feel crazy because of it. It literally shapes every single day of my life even when I feel like I’m having  a good day. When I think I’m having a good day, I still don’t.

Kenley has been gone for nearly 3 years and 7 months.

The past 3 years and 7 months of my life as this new person has been full of emotions I never expected to feel again, which makes me so happy…yet these moments are shadowed in sadness? Normal people get to just feel the happiness. Why can’t I just feel that again? Why me? Why our family? Why my sweet perfect girl? This life shouldn’t be mine because she was perfect, and we are good people.

Sure, I’ve fucked up in my life before. And honestly? I wonder if Kenley dying was my karma. I blame myself every day for not realizing she stopped moving. I will always blame myself for her death, because I am her Mother and I let her down. I cannot change that.

I miss her. I see her in every day things that she will never be able to do. I see her in the faces of my beautiful girls. I see her in the way Landon looks at them. It’s so sad. IT’S SO SAD. We have a baby who is dead. How fucking sad can that sound to other people???

I just want her back. Today is hard for some reason. I’ve been struggling all evening and feel that I could be having a very mild anxiety attack. Nothing triggered me, that I know of. I am just so tired of it all. It’s always so heavy…always.

Forever.

death.

On May 21st, Shane’s  Grandmother passed away after a year and a half of struggling with multiple illnesses. Recently, after a trip to the urgent care she was diagnosed with a tumor on her adrenal gland which was later classified as secondary Cancer (meaning she had cancer somewhere else as well). The past few years have been extremely difficult for Shane’s Mom, and it shows. She is rundown, and tired. She is overworked, and never has a free second. Living in constant fear every time the phone would ring, just knowing it could be her Mom needing the squad again.

Lovada spent a lot of her last year of life in the Hospital. I have been thinking about all the things that I wanted to show her still. I wanted to take her to our house so she could see what it looked like. I wanted to take the girls to her house and let them look at her goldfish pond. I feel a lot of guilt that I didn’t take them over to see her more, but she was very sick for a long time. Honestly, she’s been sick since they were both born so I try to remind myself of that.

She was the heart of her family, and I know that everyone is terribly heartbroken. I keep randomly crying because I will think of her. It’s so weird that she is gone. I know that it is part of life, and she had a great one, but still. She was an amazing grandmother to all her grandkids, and great grand kids. I think another reason why it hits so hard is the fact that I can’t see my own grandma very often. Life is so fleeting; you’re here to die. It’s just the truth of the matter, honestly.

I know that wherever Kenley is, Lovada is as well. I know that they are together, and that  gives me a little comfort. I don’t believe in heaven, or hell, or god in the typical sense, but I know that my sweet baby is being held and loved on by her Great Grandma Dayda (what Alden calls her),

Lovada’s death was the first one in our family since Kenley died. I think that has something to do with my pain and grief. I think it’s bringing up bad feelings of that early grief and anger.

She is leaving behind so many. She had so much left to do here. So many of us needed her, and wanted her to stay.

It’s all so similar to Kenley. She left us all behind. She had her ENTIRE life ahead of her, and we all wanted her more than there are words to express.

Death:  The definition of complication.

I miss you, Lovada. We love you.

 

Lovada Fitzpatrick Obituary

Lovada Fitzpatrick

Carroll – Lovada Fitzpatrick, 81, of Carroll, OH, went home to be with her Lord on Tuesday, May 21, 2019 at her home surrounded by her family. Lovada was born August 11, 1937 in Peach Creek, WV to the late Thomas D. and Brookie (Dillon) Beckett. She was proud of her heritage as a “coal miner’s daughter,” and instilled into her own children and grandchildren the same values of generosity, kindness, hard work and enduring faith with which she was raised. Besides her parents, she was preceded in death by her brothers, Curt and Ralph Beckett; a special sister, Roxie Cox; grandson, Kyle Brigner; great-granddaughter, Kenley Hayes; as well as brothers-in-laws, James Sanders, Melvin Cox and Ralph Damron. Lovada was raised at Kirk, WV where her dad was postmaster and her family ran Beckett Grocery. She graduated from Lenore High School in 1955 prior to moving to Columbus. She was an avid quilter, enjoyed cooking, and often enjoyed returning to her native West Virginia. Lovada leaves behind a legacy of love and family. She was of the Baptist faith, and a member of the Open Door Freewill Baptist Church in Lancaster. Lovada worked for Bloom-Carroll Local Schools as a cook for 16 years, and later as a greeter at Meijer, Lancaster. She is survived by her loving and devoted husband of 63 years, Bennie Fitzpatrick.

 

life.

It’s becoming harder and harder to find time to do things that I enjoy. Blogging especially has been put on the back burner and I hate it. I pretty much have the same things to say over and over in different ways, but it is so comforting being here in front of the keyboard knowing that I get some time with Kenley.

Life has been super busy, and it seems to only keep getting busier. Landon is in baseball which takes up a lot of time, and the girls are SO. BUSY. ALL. OF. THE. TIME. which wears me out so much (cue never having any time for anything). I’m so grateful to be their mom but sometimes I cannot wait for it to be bed time.  I mean it helps that they look super cute in their PJs so…

I still haven’t been able to donate Kenley’s Care Packages. I don’t know why. WHY CAN’T I DO IT? I know what good they will bring, and I just like cannot bring myself to donate them, and make it happen. Actually maybe it’s not just the boxes that I’m procrastinating on…I feel like lately I’m dragging my feet about making commitments to little things even. I’m not sure what it is, or why it’s happening but I’m finding that I’m more and more frustrated with myself over it. Oh, and I feel like I’m constantly second guessing everything I do. Yet I don’t really care all at the same time? I don’t know how to describe it.

It’s almost Mother’s Day, a day which makes me and many of the women I’ve come to love, want to curl up and die. A day where Mother’s are celebrated…but only if you have children that you can see. Which, is kind of shitty, because even then you’re celebrated but your dead baby is not included in the count; They’re left out and forgotten. Who wants to be sad on Mother’s day?! GOD FORBID. *insert dramatic eye roll*

I am pretty sure that I’m going to pretend the day is normal and that is that. Shane works anyway so it’s not like I could even get a break if I wanted one? What I REALLY want is to sleep in a hotel bed, in the silence, alone, cuddled up with 50,000 pillows, AND sleep past 6 am. I mean I know that won’t happen, but a girl can dream right? I heard on the news that Kraft will pay for baby sitting up to $100 for moms who need a break. I should check into that…totally kidding.

or am I?

Anyway, this post is just to say hi and that I am still here. I have so many things I want to talk about and discuss, I just cannot find the time. Maybe it will be my new goal to commit to writing once a week at the very minimum. I wrote EVERY DAY for the longest time. Then it tapered off….now it’s like nonexistent. I need a place where I can come and just vent and say the most random things if need be, and that’s why I love this place.

This is my space, and I share it with my beautiful child who lives in the stars. I share it with all of my beautiful children, but it feels more like Kenley and I’s special place.

I just need some time to connect to her. I miss her. I miss everything she was to me. I miss who I was before she died. I miss who we were as a family before she died. I just want to see her perfect face again. poetry about miscarriage read beautiful stillbirth poems to help grieving print famous

 

noise.

I was reading a post by Megan Devine today that I saw on Instagram, and something really stuck with me.

“We stop saying it hurts because no one listens.”

 

It’s so true. I read it and I was like…wow. That’s is just one of those things that you read and you’re immediately reassured that your feelings are valid.

Eventually people stop listening.

Our pain and grief become their background noise; They hear us, but they can choose to tune us out.

I know that everyones lives go on, and I don’t expect anyone to sit in my grief with me for over 3 years, but man. There are only about handful of people who even say Kenley’s name to me anymore. It’s so frustrating. She is a major part of my life–actually she is the sole reason my life is currently the way that it is. If she would have survived I wouldn’t have Alden or Rowan, and wouldn’t be building a house. I’m not saying that is a good thing or a bad thing one way or the other, but it is fact.

Another thing that really resonated with me was something that Jess posted on her IG. This was a quote from her wife about losing their son, Leo.

It said “In an instant I lose them both. Our sweet, wild boy is gone, And so is the life in her eyes.”

 

I can relate to this more than I want to, but it’s so true. We lost our baby girl, and we both lost ourselves. I don’t remember who I used to be, and I’ve tried many times. I can see her, in all of her naivety and happiness…floating along in life thinking nothing bad could ever happen to her…Only to have the worst thing happen. I often wonder if that woman would survive my life. I don’t think she would.

The woman I used to be was broken. She was shattered into a million pieces and this new woman was left to pick up her parts…I think I did a good job, but let me tell you there are days where I walk around and I’m a shell of who I used to be. Hell, somedays I’m a shell of who I became as well.

Life after loss is a daily struggle. A battle between my two lives, and who I have become. I feel grief and sadness every day. It’s different. It has shaped my entire life. It has changed me. It has changed my Husband. It has changed our entire universe, and every single person in our family–immediate or otherwise.

Grief is the thief of joy even when everything in your life looks to be going so well…you still have a child who is dead.

And some people just don’t seem to remember that.

 

 

Days.

1,176 days.

I cannot believe it has been that long since I held your beautiful body. You are the greatest thing to happen to me. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get to stay with us. We would have given you the very best life. I can’t even imagine how my life would be if you had lived outside of me.

You are the greatest thing I have ever done.

Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy.

I’ll love you forever.