It’s becoming harder and harder to find time to do things that I enjoy. Blogging especially has been put on the back burner and I hate it. I pretty much have the same things to say over and over in different ways, but it is so comforting being here in front of the keyboard knowing that I get some time with Kenley.
Life has been super busy, and it seems to only keep getting busier. Landon is in baseball which takes up a lot of time, and the girls are SO. BUSY. ALL. OF. THE. TIME. which wears me out so much (cue never having any time for anything). I’m so grateful to be their mom but sometimes I cannot wait for it to be bed time. I mean it helps that they look super cute in their PJs so…
I still haven’t been able to donate Kenley’s Care Packages. I don’t know why. WHY CAN’T I DO IT? I know what good they will bring, and I just like cannot bring myself to donate them, and make it happen. Actually maybe it’s not just the boxes that I’m procrastinating on…I feel like lately I’m dragging my feet about making commitments to little things even. I’m not sure what it is, or why it’s happening but I’m finding that I’m more and more frustrated with myself over it. Oh, and I feel like I’m constantly second guessing everything I do. Yet I don’t really care all at the same time? I don’t know how to describe it.
It’s almost Mother’s Day, a day which makes me and many of the women I’ve come to love, want to curl up and die. A day where Mother’s are celebrated…but only if you have children that you can see. Which, is kind of shitty, because even then you’re celebrated but your dead baby is not included in the count; They’re left out and forgotten. Who wants to be sad on Mother’s day?! GOD FORBID. *insert dramatic eye roll*
I am pretty sure that I’m going to pretend the day is normal and that is that. Shane works anyway so it’s not like I could even get a break if I wanted one? What I REALLY want is to sleep in a hotel bed, in the silence, alone, cuddled up with 50,000 pillows, AND sleep past 6 am. I mean I know that won’t happen, but a girl can dream right? I heard on the news that Kraft will pay for baby sitting up to $100 for moms who need a break. I should check into that…totally kidding.
or am I?
Anyway, this post is just to say hi and that I am still here. I have so many things I want to talk about and discuss, I just cannot find the time. Maybe it will be my new goal to commit to writing once a week at the very minimum. I wrote EVERY DAY for the longest time. Then it tapered off….now it’s like nonexistent. I need a place where I can come and just vent and say the most random things if need be, and that’s why I love this place.
This is my space, and I share it with my beautiful child who lives in the stars. I share it with all of my beautiful children, but it feels more like Kenley and I’s special place.
I just need some time to connect to her. I miss her. I miss everything she was to me. I miss who I was before she died. I miss who we were as a family before she died. I just want to see her perfect face again.