Middle of night feedings often leave me catching up on blogs, or IG. Tonight I read my friend Lindsay’s blog. She spoke about having moments, dreamcatcher moments as she calls them, where you are so content that you are able to step back and really enjoy that moment; you don’t need anything else and you see it for what it truly is.

I find myself having these moments with Shane quite often. He takes such good care of me. I know I’m a hot mess like 95% of the time, but he handles me with such love and compassion. He asks how he can make things easier on me or what I need him to do to help out.

Sometimes, in a completely mundane moment I will feel a shot of excitement— I get to be with this man forever! Every day, no matter what, I wake up next to him. We face everything together. He will always be here to make me laugh. I often tell him that I’m so thankful for him, or I tell him thank you for loving me.

I’m not sure I will ever be able to explain the depths of my love for him, or the appreciation I have for everything he does for our family. He deserves so so much and I hope that I am enough for him.

Shane is all of my dreamcatcher moments.

Last night was my first night alone with the kids…bedtime was kind of rough, but thankfully they all go to bed at different times and Landon can pretty much get himself ready for bed.

When I had put Alden to bed and things settled down, I wanted to spend some time alone with Landon. I knew he had to be feeling a little neglected because, lets face it, I’m one person and they are 3 children- 2 of which are super needy…So I gave him a bowl of fruit loops and we talked. He told me a bunch of things about school and then he asked me if he could try and replicate a fox that I had doodled (after googling how to haha!) on a paper he saw on the counter top. I said sure and gave him a pen and a piece of paper. He did so well! It was kinda cool to see his interpretation of the fox. Then when he was done he wrote ” Love Landon, To Kenley” on the paper.

I started to cry.

He said “I knew it”.

Then, I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes. He started talking about Kenley and how he missed her. He told me kids at school ask how she died when he tells them about her and he doesn’t want to talk to them about it because it’s sad and unfair. I asked if he knew how she died, and he said yes. He then went on to tell me that he misses her and he wishes he could leave the fox drawing out so she could leave him a note and see it.

I had to tell him that it doesn’t really work that way, and that she cant really leave him notes; she could send him signs (like the balloon she sent to him) though, and that maybe she would see how much he was missing her and send a sign. He ended up talking to me about her a lot during the rest of the night.  We colored and drew some pictures. He drew an airplane and sand castles because he is super excited to go with my mom to Florida in April (this is a whole separate post about me having guilt for not taking him to the beach/airplane ride for the first time…ugh…) while I drew our house and some shitty trees. He said I was the best “drawer” in the world and asked if he could draw Kenley on my page. I said yes of course. When he was done, I looked at the picture he drew and it was Kenley with blonde hair.

I  said “Buddy, Kenley had dark hair like Rowan”, and he looked so surprised. Then, it dawned on me that he has only ever seen black and white pictures of Kenley; I’ve never shown him the few colored photos I have of her because her coloring would probably make him scared. It breaks my heart that those are the only photos he will ever see of her…I often wonder if we made a mistake by not letting him meet her…I’m just not sure a 4 year old would know how to process that type of situation. Hell, I didn’t know how to and I was a 30 year old woman.

I put him to bed, and sat on the couch with Rowan for a little while until Shane came home. When he came home we watched a little netflix, and then decided it was time to go to bed. He got off the couch (the complete opposite end as I was on) and turned the TV off. He set the remote control down on the arm of the couch, and then walked into our bedroom. I stood up with Rowan, and turned off the lamp. When I turned around to walk into the bedroom, the TV turned on.

Cartoons were on.

Our Dish box automatically tunes to the channels we watch at certain times, so the box should have been on CNN, or HGTV, possibly even the food network…not cartoons past 7 pm.

I looked around to see if I had hit a different remote control or something…nothing was near me.

I then thought, ok…wtf…I checked my phone because I just felt weird.

10:32 p.m.

It was her birth time. And, yesterday was Tuesday– the day of the week she was born.

I know some people will read this and think it’s a load of shit, but I assure you it is not. I know I wouldn’t believe it unless it happened to me…

I’m pretty sure that Kenley needed Landon to know that she heard him loud and clear.

I’m folding laundry with my helper, Alden, when I pick up a sleeper.

Was it Kenley’s?

I feel like it was Kenley’s? I KNOW it was.

Who bought it for her, expecting her to wear it?

It has been 2 years, 2 months, 23 days + change since you’ve been gone and I hate that I’m forgetting these tiny things about your short life.

It’s dumb; I shouldn’t be sad that I can’t remember who got you this sleeper, yet it bugs me.

It frustrates me to my core.

I’m tired, and stressed. Your little sisters are here and you didn’t get a chance. They both wore this sleeper and you didn’t.

It still stings.

It stings really fucking bad.

So…life has been…hectic? I don’t even know if that’s the right word honestly–terrifying, awful, exciting, busy, slow, fast…the list goes on. Shane returns to work on Thursday and I’m frankly terrified. Not sure how it will all go down being here alone with the 3 kids…but, it is what it is.

I never imagined being the Mother of 3 living children; I saw two children, both of whom survived birth and lived a wonderful life full of happiness, marriages and babies. But, instead the hand we were dealt includes getting pregnant on the first try, followed by infertility, miscarriages, a dead daughter, a $23,000 IVF journey and rounding us out, a “less than 2% chance” natural miracle baby. Life gives zero fucks about what you actually want. Pretty sure a bunch of random life events were thrown into a hat and someone randomly chose like 10 for me and now, that’s how my story goes…

Let me say that I realize saying I “never imagined having 3 kids” makes me sound like a terrible person to some people, but this is the truth. This is my life and this is my space to write how I truly feel and I feel that this is an important subject. Just because I say I never imagined being a mother to 3 living children doesn’t mean that I am not extremely in love with all of my kids. I know myself and my limits and I am pretty sure 2 kids was my max at one point hence only wanting 2… But now? Now I know that I will mother the shit out of my 3 kids and they will have a wonderful life. My children will always know they are loved, and VERY much wanted.

I am so thankful for Rowan. Like, when I think about the miracle that she is my heart just bursts. I love her so much. Sure, it’s been difficult and my postpartum emotions have been very weird this time. She looks just like Kenley with her dark hair and dark complexion. My heart was very confused at first, and admittedly it still is. It all feels so weird.

Last night I decided I wanted to sit with her and let her nurse while Shane and I watched a movie. I have been trying to stop nursing because I will not have time when Shane goes back to work. I enjoyed the bonding we had during the movie last night so I decided to nurse her over night and most of today as well. I need to decide how I want to proceed from here, but what’s important is that I wanted to nurse her. It didn’t feel forced and unpleasant as it had in the few days before.

This is real life. Postpartum emotions are no joke. How do you think it makes me feel inside when I can’t understand why I’m struggling to feel a connection to a tiny helpless human who I carried for 37 weeks? This tiny little girl is so very wanted, and so loved, so why am I feeling these things? Hormones, man. I’ll tell ya.

Shane has been reminding me that I felt this way when we brought Alden home from the hospital as well. I don’t remember feeling that way, and honestly thinking back and even half way believing I felt them makes me so sad because I love Alden so much and could never imagine feeling those things. I know that these feelings aren’t truly my own, and I know that Rowan is the perfect finishing piece to our family. I just don’t think people talk about it as much as they should.

Sure I feel upset when she cries, or I’m so tired that I cry, or I can’t find time to shower or remember if I ate anything that day, but postpartum feelings are so much different than that. They are so much more; so uncontrollable and indescribable. I think women feel ashamed of the way they feel which is why most women don’t talk about it or seek out help if they need it. I know it’s not my fault for feeling extra sad or whatever…and having those emotions on top of everything else that I’ve been through since 2012 seems extra cruel…life has been a shit sundae and postpartum feelings/emotions are just the cherry on top.

Dear Alden,

Happy Birthday (tomorrow) sweet girl! I cannot believe you are one! I know that’s what all parents say, but it seems impossible you’ve been here for a year, yet it seems like you’ve been here for an entire lifetime.

When I was pregnant with you, I remember feeling anxious about you arriving and also missing your sister. One day, your Daddy told me that some day we wouldn’t know how to live without you in our lives. I couldn’t see it clearly at that time, but he was very right.

I cannot put into words what it feels like to wake up every day knowing I get to spend the day with you. You came into our lives when we needed you most, and you are perfect. You are so happy and funny. You have a HUGE personality, and you love your brother so much.

When your sister died, I never thought my heart could feel happiness again. I felt scared and alone. I felt sad and confused. When we transferred you into my body, I remember feeling scared. What if I didn’t get to keep you, either? When you started to grow, so did my anxiety.

My pregnancy with you was so scary. Every day I woke up thinking I had lost you, then you would kick and reassure me you weren’t going anywhere.

On March 15th, 2017 at 8:59 a.m. you came into my life and made me a Mommy for the 3rd time. You are amazing and you have helped to heal my heart in ways I never thought possible.

I love you Alden Emilene– thank you for being mine. I cannot believe I get to keep you. I hope someday you understand the depth of my love for you.

Love,

Mommy

“She looks just like Kenley”

I have heard this more than I can count the past week.

I know she does, and I can’t tell you how many emotions this raises for me. When she came out with a darker complexion and dark hair I honestly couldn’t believe it. Not what I was expecting at all. And then to top it off, she was born at the exact same time as Kenley? Like what are the chances. I should have rescheduled my csection or something. I don’t know.

At first it really bugged me that she was born at the same time…then Shane said it was Rowan’s connection to her. Alden has Kenley’s middle name as a first name, and Rowan wasn’t going to have anything. Now she has this.

10:32.

I cannot help but feel almost weird caring for this new child who SO closely resembles the one I’ve been grieving the loss of for 27 months now…

Can anyone say mind fuck?

My heart is so full of love and I am so so tired , yet somehow I am just left missing Kenley. No matter how tired I am, or how many new things happen in my life- I will always think of you, sweet girl. Mommy loves and misses you so much.

Rowan’s doctors appt for a weight check was today.

She did super well, and also we found out that she gained 2 oz!

Yay!!

I know that might not seem like a big deal, but an oz a day weight gain is what our pediatrician wants to see with newborns, so we are perfectly on target!

Birth- 8lbs 15oz

Leaving hospital- 8lbs 1oz

Today (2 days being home) 8lbs 3oz!!

Growing so well!

Mom guilt is so stupid and unnecessary. I hate blaming myself for the dumbest things even when they turn out to be false. I was just so convinced that she had lost a whole bunch of weight and somehow I was starving her. But, that’s false and she’s doing great. So, my boobs live to feed another day!

Last night was interesting…she woke up around 12 wanting to eat so I fed her. And fed her. And fed her…..until 1:45 a.m. I am not sure what happened but she literally was eating the entire time and every time I tried to take her off and lay her back down she would cry so hard.

I finally woke Shane up and asked him to find the little formula bottles we were given from the hospital. I had to “top her off” cus she was killing my boobs, and my sanity.

1 oz of formula later, she slept for 4 hrs.

Tonight she seems to be “snacky” again…I just gave her an oz of formula and I’m hoping to get a little sleep.

Sleeping next to this little smush face girl tonight and I cannot wait. Don’t be too jealous! 🙂

It’s no shock that hormones are alllll over the place after you deliver, right? But some how it seems like it just sneaks up and smacks you in the face! I know that my hormones are going to be crazy for an undetermined amount of time, yet somehow I allow myself to feel guilty over the things that do not matter.

I’m gonna be sad. I have a daughter who died and now I have two living daughters…and no Kenley.

I’m gonna be happy. I have a beautiful new addition to our family.

I’m gonna be tired and anxious and stressed. My newborn is adjusting to life outside the dark womb. I’m anxious because I want my baby to stay alive and that’s a lot of pressure (even though it doesn’t seem like it to “normal moms”). I’m stressed because no one sleeps at the newborn stage and my nipples fucking hurt like hell because they’re both cracked from breastfeeding.

I have a giant bruise on my right arm from my IV. It continues down my elbow almost. It doesn’t hurt but dang.

I was given IV fluids after I went to recovery because I was so sick (puked up an entire puke bag of fluids lol) so I’m extremely swollen….look at this cankle. My toes and fingers are even swollen and it’s super uncomfortable. Some people say it takes 10 days for your body to get rid of IV fluids. Ugh.

I also have these weird new stretch marks on my stomach. They are above my belly button, go horizontally and they are about “—–” this big each. It’s the weirdest thing. I don’t care about having stretch marks, big fucking deal, but it just blows my mind the way they look.

I’ve also had my tubes tied. This has given me a bunch of mixed emotions. We spent so long trying to get pregnant on our own, and we knew it was possible because that’s how Landon (and surprise! Rowan!) was conceived, but now…now it’s not possible. Which is fine, rationally, because I’m done having children. 4 is enough for my body. 4 c-sections are plenty. 4 full term pregnancies. 3 living babies. It has been a long 3 years and I know that this was the best choice for us, but it’s so final.

The postpartum period of time is so awful. I’m pretty sure being a loss mom coupled with PP is just a cruel sick joke. There are so many things you feel guilty for, and about and still in the back of your mind you’re grieving your missing child. It’s awful; everything is amplified and exaggerated.

And, sometimes the baby you have…looks very similar to the baby you lost. And that is a whole other can of emotions.

Tomorrow Rowan has a weight check at her pediatrician. I’ve never been able to exclusively breastfeed any of my children, and this time…it’s working out that I can. She didn’t need NICU time and she latched like a champ in the OR while I was being sewed up! So, I want to try. If she has lost too much weight, though, I might throw in the towel and switch to formula because I’m pretty sure I will have no time to constantly be breast feeding. I don’t know. I’m not sure yet.

I feel proud of my body for producing milk this pregnancy and so far it seems to satisfy this cute little loaf of a baby girl. Tomorrow will tell what the plan is.

I love my children. I love Rowan. I am so thankful she is here alive. All that being said, life is unfair. And honestly pretty fucked up.

As I sit here at my last NST, listening to Rowan’s beautiful little heart beating away, I can’t help but feel some sadness. Sadness that Kenley never was given an NST and that had I had one, she may have been saved.

It’s always going to weigh heavy in my heart that had we just gone in on the 26th and had an NST maybe they could have saved her. The guilt, the anxiety over not going, it’s all still really prevalent in my brain and I don’t think that’s gonna change ever.

Alden’s NSTs were always so perfect and for the most part Rowan’s have been too. Of course we would be given super awesome monitoring when the babies are perfect. It’s so frustrating. I wish all patients would have NSTs. It doesn’t seem like something that should be skipped. I’ll never understand.

I can’t believe she will be here in two days. Then I will have two children under the age of one for 12 days. It’s insane to think about. My little Irish twins. We’ve planned out Alden’s first birthday party, and I’m pretty sure I have everything I need at the house for it.

This is just a jumble of thoughts while I relax and enjoy hearing her.

Two days. I just can’t believe it!