Last night was my first night alone with the kids…bedtime was kind of rough, but thankfully they all go to bed at different times and Landon can pretty much get himself ready for bed.

When I had put Alden to bed and things settled down, I wanted to spend some time alone with Landon. I knew he had to be feeling a little neglected because, lets face it, I’m one person and they are 3 children- 2 of which are super needy…So I gave him a bowl of fruit loops and we talked. He told me a bunch of things about school and then he asked me if he could try and replicate a fox that I had doodled (after googling how to haha!) on a paper he saw on the counter top. I said sure and gave him a pen and a piece of paper. He did so well! It was kinda cool to see his interpretation of the fox. Then when he was done he wrote ” Love Landon, To Kenley” on the paper.

I started to cry.

He said “I knew it”.

Then, I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes. He started talking about Kenley and how he missed her. He told me kids at school ask how she died when he tells them about her and he doesn’t want to talk to them about it because it’s sad and unfair. I asked if he knew how she died, and he said yes. He then went on to tell me that he misses her and he wishes he could leave the fox drawing out so she could leave him a note and see it.

I had to tell him that it doesn’t really work that way, and that she cant really leave him notes; she could send him signs (like the balloon she sent to him) though, and that maybe she would see how much he was missing her and send a sign. He ended up talking to me about her a lot during the rest of the night.  We colored and drew some pictures. He drew an airplane and sand castles because he is super excited to go with my mom to Florida in April (this is a whole separate post about me having guilt for not taking him to the beach/airplane ride for the first time…ugh…) while I drew our house and some shitty trees. He said I was the best “drawer” in the world and asked if he could draw Kenley on my page. I said yes of course. When he was done, I looked at the picture he drew and it was Kenley with blonde hair.

I  said “Buddy, Kenley had dark hair like Rowan”, and he looked so surprised. Then, it dawned on me that he has only ever seen black and white pictures of Kenley; I’ve never shown him the few colored photos I have of her because her coloring would probably make him scared. It breaks my heart that those are the only photos he will ever see of her…I often wonder if we made a mistake by not letting him meet her…I’m just not sure a 4 year old would know how to process that type of situation. Hell, I didn’t know how to and I was a 30 year old woman.

I put him to bed, and sat on the couch with Rowan for a little while until Shane came home. When he came home we watched a little netflix, and then decided it was time to go to bed. He got off the couch (the complete opposite end as I was on) and turned the TV off. He set the remote control down on the arm of the couch, and then walked into our bedroom. I stood up with Rowan, and turned off the lamp. When I turned around to walk into the bedroom, the TV turned on.

Cartoons were on.

Our Dish box automatically tunes to the channels we watch at certain times, so the box should have been on CNN, or HGTV, possibly even the food network…not cartoons past 7 pm.

I looked around to see if I had hit a different remote control or something…nothing was near me.

I then thought, ok…wtf…I checked my phone because I just felt weird.

10:32 p.m.

It was her birth time. And, yesterday was Tuesday– the day of the week she was born.

I know some people will read this and think it’s a load of shit, but I assure you it is not. I know I wouldn’t believe it unless it happened to me…

I’m pretty sure that Kenley needed Landon to know that she heard him loud and clear.