Today I was thinking about all the things I didn’t get to do this year. I didn’t get to take my 10 year wedding anniversary trip to Mexico in May. I didn’t get to go on a summer vacation with my family, or anything fun like that. We were responsible and did what we were supposed to…just like always.
We are ALWAYS responsible. We have always been those people.
So why did our baby die? Why did our baby have to be the statistic? I went to all my appointments. I did everything I was supposed to. I ate the right food. I slept on the right side. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I didn’t eat deli meat, or soft cheese.
I did everything right.
You know who didn’t do everything right?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…they failed me. They failed Kenley.
I cannot believe that you should be 5. It doesn’t feel real; this is not my life. I wake up every day and miss you. Lately it is starting to feel like the memory of you is not my own. I don’t remember much, and it’s terribly sad. I remember the extremely awful things…I have bits and pieces of things that I wish I could forget forever. They play in my brain on repeat; living in a constant nightmare is just normal it seems like. This year I feel so alone with my grief. Shane is working. Not many people have asked how I am feeling this year. I have a few close friend who have asked, and for those friends I am forever grateful. Oddly enough those friends are also loss moms (with a small exception).
God, this is just word vomit. This post isn’t what I set out to write today. I have nothing good to say. I have nothing positive or loving to say. I feel empty. I feel alone. I feel lost and sad and grief stricken. There isn’t a light at the end of my tunnel and that is a really daunting feeling. It’s like running a marathon and literally never stopping. Ever. I get no relief. It is constant. I miss her so much, and there is literally NOT A THING I can do to change that.
I can buy whatever I want in life. I can go wherever I want to go. I can do whatever I want…
But I cannot have the one thing I want.
That feeling is enough to shatter your heart every day, over and over again.
If you want to remember Kenley with us today please light a candle for her, or complete a random act of kindness. Tag us on IG and FB with #kenleyaldenis5
Happy Birthday my sweet girl. I’ll love you here on earth until the day I die, and hopefully hold you in my arms again. Mommy loves you. Sleep well sweet baby.