life.

It’s becoming harder and harder to find time to do things that I enjoy. Blogging especially has been put on the back burner and I hate it. I pretty much have the same things to say over and over in different ways, but it is so comforting being here in front of the keyboard knowing that I get some time with Kenley.

Life has been super busy, and it seems to only keep getting busier. Landon is in baseball which takes up a lot of time, and the girls are SO. BUSY. ALL. OF. THE. TIME. which wears me out so much (cue never having any time for anything). I’m so grateful to be their mom but sometimes I cannot wait for it to be bed time.  I mean it helps that they look super cute in their PJs so…

I still haven’t been able to donate Kenley’s Care Packages. I don’t know why. WHY CAN’T I DO IT? I know what good they will bring, and I just like cannot bring myself to donate them, and make it happen. Actually maybe it’s not just the boxes that I’m procrastinating on…I feel like lately I’m dragging my feet about making commitments to little things even. I’m not sure what it is, or why it’s happening but I’m finding that I’m more and more frustrated with myself over it. Oh, and I feel like I’m constantly second guessing everything I do. Yet I don’t really care all at the same time? I don’t know how to describe it.

It’s almost Mother’s Day, a day which makes me and many of the women I’ve come to love, want to curl up and die. A day where Mother’s are celebrated…but only if you have children that you can see. Which, is kind of shitty, because even then you’re celebrated but your dead baby is not included in the count; They’re left out and forgotten. Who wants to be sad on Mother’s day?! GOD FORBID. *insert dramatic eye roll*

I am pretty sure that I’m going to pretend the day is normal and that is that. Shane works anyway so it’s not like I could even get a break if I wanted one? What I REALLY want is to sleep in a hotel bed, in the silence, alone, cuddled up with 50,000 pillows, AND sleep past 6 am. I mean I know that won’t happen, but a girl can dream right? I heard on the news that Kraft will pay for baby sitting up to $100 for moms who need a break. I should check into that…totally kidding.

or am I?

Anyway, this post is just to say hi and that I am still here. I have so many things I want to talk about and discuss, I just cannot find the time. Maybe it will be my new goal to commit to writing once a week at the very minimum. I wrote EVERY DAY for the longest time. Then it tapered off….now it’s like nonexistent. I need a place where I can come and just vent and say the most random things if need be, and that’s why I love this place.

This is my space, and I share it with my beautiful child who lives in the stars. I share it with all of my beautiful children, but it feels more like Kenley and I’s special place.

I just need some time to connect to her. I miss her. I miss everything she was to me. I miss who I was before she died. I miss who we were as a family before she died. I just want to see her perfect face again. poetry about miscarriage read beautiful stillbirth poems to help grieving print famous

 

noise.

I was reading a post by Megan Devine today that I saw on Instagram, and something really stuck with me.

“We stop saying it hurts because no one listens.”

 

It’s so true. I read it and I was like…wow. That’s is just one of those things that you read and you’re immediately reassured that your feelings are valid.

Eventually people stop listening.

Our pain and grief become their background noise; They hear us, but they can choose to tune us out.

I know that everyones lives go on, and I don’t expect anyone to sit in my grief with me for over 3 years, but man. There are only about handful of people who even say Kenley’s name to me anymore. It’s so frustrating. She is a major part of my life–actually she is the sole reason my life is currently the way that it is. If she would have survived I wouldn’t have Alden or Rowan, and wouldn’t be building a house. I’m not saying that is a good thing or a bad thing one way or the other, but it is fact.

Another thing that really resonated with me was something that Jess posted on her IG. This was a quote from her wife about losing their son, Leo.

It said “In an instant I lose them both. Our sweet, wild boy is gone, And so is the life in her eyes.”

 

I can relate to this more than I want to, but it’s so true. We lost our baby girl, and we both lost ourselves. I don’t remember who I used to be, and I’ve tried many times. I can see her, in all of her naivety and happiness…floating along in life thinking nothing bad could ever happen to her…Only to have the worst thing happen. I often wonder if that woman would survive my life. I don’t think she would.

The woman I used to be was broken. She was shattered into a million pieces and this new woman was left to pick up her parts…I think I did a good job, but let me tell you there are days where I walk around and I’m a shell of who I used to be. Hell, somedays I’m a shell of who I became as well.

Life after loss is a daily struggle. A battle between my two lives, and who I have become. I feel grief and sadness every day. It’s different. It has shaped my entire life. It has changed me. It has changed my Husband. It has changed our entire universe, and every single person in our family–immediate or otherwise.

Grief is the thief of joy even when everything in your life looks to be going so well…you still have a child who is dead.

And some people just don’t seem to remember that.

 

 

Days.

1,176 days.

I cannot believe it has been that long since I held your beautiful body. You are the greatest thing to happen to me. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get to stay with us. We would have given you the very best life. I can’t even imagine how my life would be if you had lived outside of me.

You are the greatest thing I have ever done.

Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy.

I’ll love you forever.

Rowan is ONE!

How did THAT happen?! I cannot believe that at 10:32 a.m., my sweetest surprise came into this world. Screaming, dark haired and perfect. She chose to share a birth time (only a.m. v. p.m.) with Kenley. This is so special to me and makes me feel that maybe, in some way, they planned it that way for me together at one point…

Rowie, you are a bundle of laughs all the time. You are feisty, and sweet; You’re smart and out going yet a little shy. You started walking at 9.5 months, and we can’t keep you down. You have the sweetest personality and we don’t know how we ever lived with out you.

You are my greatest surprise and I am so thankful for the chance to be your Mommy. Some day I will explain to you allllllllll the things that came together to make you being in our lives possible, but for today?…

I just want you to know that I will love you with every ounce of my soul until the day that I die.

And I will love you after that, too.

Moving Mountains

I wish this blog post title was more significant than a song name, but it’s not. There are no mountains being moved here; same old me, same old grief. Actually, the grief seems to be getting…weird and different.

Today, while driving to pick Landon up from school I passed a funeral procession. Pretty terrible thing to pass, honestly. I hate that I immediately felt sad and thought about who died, but mostly I felt sad. I was overwhelmed.

I was listening to a song I had forgotten about that randomly popped into my head so I found it on youtube on my drive. It really really moves me. I used to listen to it stupidly loud in my car on my way to work when I lived in Troy.

Troy.

Landon was conceived and born in Troy. I had friends in Troy. I was normal in Troy. I didn’t have a dead child. Things were less complicated, yet at the same time they weren’t.  I don’t know. It’s so frustrating.

As the song boomed over my speakers, and I sat at the top of the hill able to see all of the cars in the funeral procession, I couldn’t help but cry.  I couldn’t stop myself. I don’t know these people…yet I’ve been those people. Who knows? Maybe they lost their child, but I doubt it. It seems like I’m the only person who has lost a healthy full term baby, I swear to god.

I couldn’t watch the cars go by. I looked out the passenger side window. I wonder if anyone noticed me intentionally looking the other way. All I could think was ” I didn’t give her a funeral and she fucking deserved it.”

She deserved at least that, and I didn’t give it to her.

I hate that I even thought that. I don’t want to think that. I don’t want to have to worry about it.

Should I have given her a funeral? How are you supposed to know what to do in that situation?

Lately I’ve noticed myself being triggered about a lot of things. I guess even at nearly 26 months out, it still stings like the day it happened.

I hate Valentine’s Day.

The first holiday that I “came out of the fog” after Kenley died.

She got a Valentine’s Day outfit for Christmas.

I remember sitting on my bed, feeling like I wanted to die. REALLY wanted to die. I felt that I wanted to hurt myself and stop living. It was the only time I really felt that.

I cried and cried and cried. Then I called psychiatrists.

No one had an opening to see me ASAP.

I remember feeling the most hopeless feeling.

I sometimes think back to those days and wonder how I survived. What pulled me through? I’d like to think that it was my strength or my family or whatever, but honestly? I think that back then I was afraid to die.

Things change.

Life is weird. 4 Valentines Days later and I still have PTSD over this day.

Most people hate it because they are alone…and I guess that’s kind of why I hate it, too.

Just alone in a totally different way.

Happy Valentines Day in the stars, my sweet Kenley. I love you and miss you every second.

Kenley’s Care Packages

I did it.

I put together the boxes.

Finally.

They are all done. I need to tie them up with ribbon, but they’re done. Landon helped me with about 6 boxes. He knows that one of the books in the boxes make me sad, and he asked why. I explained to him what the books mean and why we are donating the boxes. He said he understood and that the book might not be sad to everyone. I said that the book is sad to people who lose babies because of the way you feel when you read it; the words mean something completely different when your baby dies. I’m not sure if he truly understands or not.

It’s hard to think about how I was able to throw a birthday party for him after Kenley died. Thinking about how it’s so hard for me to complete the task of throwing him a party now, even this far out, it just makes my mind explode thinking about how I was able to have a get together shortly after my life changed forever. I know I wanted to make his life feel as normal as possible, and I hope that I have done that, but I really don’t know if I’ve done a good job. I don’t know. Some days I feel like I have done well, and that he is very understanding of what happened to her, and how she impacted our lives…while other days I feel like he is a 7 year old kid who just doesn’t understand it.

He’s only 7. He was only 4 when she died. I cannot believe I have lived three years with a grieving Son, and without my first born Daughter. It seriously makes my brain explode some days.

It is incredible to me that depression has kept me from putting these boxes together until now. I have so many things going on in my life that you would think it would make me feel less stress over one particular thing but it’s the opposite. It makes me so so anxious to know that I couldn’t get the boxes done before her birthday. AND here it is one whole month later, and I just finished them. All the pieces sat there, staring at me, for a month. I just couldn’t bring myself to assemble them. It’s SAD. It’s so sad thinking about where they are going and why they are going.

I came to write about them, and about all the things related to them, but I just can’t.

Depression wins again. I can’t do it tonight.

land.

Today we signed our contract for the land and construction loan! We are officially the owners of a really boring piece of land that will become our forever home soon! I can’t believe it. I am so ready to get the house going, and to see what it looks like when it’s all done.

I’ll tell you what…building a house is ridiculous. The stuff that has to be done before you even START is outrageous! Not to mention all the permits you need, and the cost of said permits. It’s nuts. That’s my little update for today. I am having a hard time finding my feelings to write here, but I want to keep updating for people who follow my journey.

I feel like I have a lot to say about nothing. I feel like everything I write about Kenley will just be repetitive and never change. She is a gaping hole in my soul and I cannot change that. It’s so weird. Idk…3 years and some change later and I just miss her as much as the day she died. Somedays its awful, somedays it’s less awful and I can look at her beautiful face and feel proud to be her mom. Today, I scrolled through my blog and saw her photo and my heart sank.

It’s a crap shoot with how I will feel and I think that it’s pretty shitty that this is my forever.

It’s unfair.

A bunch of random.

Kenley’s Birthday has come and gone…again. It just seems so unreal. God I hate even saying that because it just sounds so clichè. Of course it seems unreal– my child died. That’s just the the most unreal event anyone can experience.

We celebrated her with a small get together with my family and Shane’s family. My mom bought her cake (like every year, because I literally can’t even think about it without wanting to die) and we had some food, and released balloons for her on the land where we are building our house. It felt perfect to include her even before the house has started. All in all it was a very nice celebration of her life.

We received tons of love and support from all over on her birthday. I love seeing her name or hearing that she is on someone’s mind. People did some really awesome things for us on her birthday and it is so special. So if you thought of her or messaged me or whatever–thank you.

Celebrating a birthday without the birthday girl just feels weird and unnatural. Such is life, right?

We chose to release the balloons on the land that were building because it just seems fitting. We can’t include her any other way so this was perfect. We are closing on our construction loan on 1/15, and start digging shortly there after! We are so ready. This needs to happen so soon. We’ve been living with Shane’s parents since September 30th. We, as a large family, just need our own space. And I’m sure my in laws need theirs as well.

The house is going to be everything we wanted and I’m so excited!

We were able to get everything we wanted from this builder and for a LOT cheaper. I’ll tell you what…the first shower in my new tile shower is going to be amazingggggg. I can’t wait to start this chapter of our lives and see where it takes us.

Landon has his first basketball game tomorrow morning. He’s the older kid on the team this year so it will be interesting to see how it goes. I think he’s going to do great. I worry about how to corral two babies for an hour during the games…that will be fun.

Shane has been working 6 day work weeks since May, and it’s not slowing down. And now he’s not actually receiving a paycheck so that’s really fun too…I’m going to need the government to reopen and stop being dicks asap.

I’m going to NYC on the 18th! My friend Alaina and I are going to see the cursed child on broadway. When we booked this trip I remember thinking about how far off in the future it was…and now it’s here. Crazy. Time just keeps flying by. It will be nice to get away and unwind even though traveling stresses me out. I’ll also get to see my very good friend Christine so that will be SO awesome, too!

I chopped all of my hair off because I’m insane I think. I didn’t really intend to get it this short but I said I wanted it to not look stringy and dead and well lol this happened. Also, my hair wouldn’t dye the normal blonde color that I have so I’m kinda pissed about that. Thanks body for being so weird. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna go bald so it doesn’t really matter what my hair looks like I suppose!

I’ve lost nearly 60 lbs as well. So that feels really REALLY good. I’m at this weird place where mentally I don’t see it and some days I feel great and others I see me at my highest weight when I look in the mirror. But, today for the first time, I saw myself…60 lbs lighter. I can’t say I’ll see it tomorrow but today it felt good.

I need to start looking into planning three birthday parties. Landon’s Birthday was supposed to be at a trampoline park and after we got his basketball schedule I realized that literally NONE of his friends will be able to come because the time slot is when all the games are. So scratch that. I’m checking into a different place and hoping they can accommodate us for later in the afternoon!

As for the girls. Ugh. I never ever wanted to have “joint” birthday parties…but here I am. So, the girls will have a birthday party on the same weekend which feels like Rowan is getting screwed a little lol. Poor Rowie. 4th child problems I guess? Not sure what I’m going to do, but it’s looking like Peppa Pig or Minnie Mouse. Rowan isn’t into anything specific yet, and Alden loves team umizoomi and the above cartoons. I’m just not sure what to do. I know it’s more so for me right now but I still want them to enjoy themselves!

Birthday overload.

Christmas was ok. Wanted to die the entire season as per usual. October-February makes me so unsettled.

So there’s my random update.

3.

My sweetest Kenley,

Today you are three. Except you aren’t…but you are? You are three, wherever you are. You have been missed earth-side for 3 years.

Three years have passed since you were physically here. Three whole years since I held you in my arms.

I can’t believe it.

I was planning to write this huge wonderful birthday letter but honestly? Your momma’s heart is broken into a million pieces and I have no words.

I have said it a million times and I don’t think saying it again would make it any different. It changes nothing.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you know how much your life changed mine. I hope you see how important you are in our daily life. I hope you see all the good I try to do in your name.

You are so loved.

You are so missed.

Your life meant something and it always will.

I see your absence in your sisters presence. It is heart breaking to say the least.

I love you. I love you. I fucking love you more than life itself and I hope that you know that.

I wish I knew that you knew what you mean to me.

Happy Birthday, my beautiful daughter.

Mommy loves you.