Postpartum emotions.

So…life has been…hectic? I don’t even know if that’s the right word honestly–terrifying, awful, exciting, busy, slow, fast…the list goes on. Shane returns to work on Thursday and I’m frankly terrified. Not sure how it will all go down being here alone with the 3 kids…but, it is what it is.

I never imagined being the Mother of 3 living children; I saw two children, both of whom survived birth and lived a wonderful life full of happiness, marriages and babies. But, instead the hand we were dealt includes getting pregnant on the first try, followed by infertility, miscarriages, a dead daughter, a $23,000 IVF journey and rounding us out, a “less than 2% chance” natural miracle baby. Life gives zero fucks about what you actually want. Pretty sure a bunch of random life events were thrown into a hat and someone randomly chose like 10 for me and now, that’s how my story goes…

Let me say that I realize saying I “never imagined having 3 kids” makes me sound like a terrible person to some people, but this is the truth. This is my life and this is my space to write how I truly feel and I feel that this is an important subject. Just because I say I never imagined being a mother to 3 living children doesn’t mean that I am not extremely in love with all of my kids. I know myself and my limits and I am pretty sure 2 kids was my max at one point hence only wanting 2… But now? Now I know that I will mother the shit out of my 3 kids and they will have a wonderful life. My children will always know they are loved, and VERY much wanted.

I am so thankful for Rowan. Like, when I think about the miracle that she is my heart just bursts. I love her so much. Sure, it’s been difficult and my postpartum emotions have been very weird this time. She looks just like Kenley with her dark hair and dark complexion. My heart was very confused at first, and admittedly it still is. It all feels so weird.

Last night I decided I wanted to sit with her and let her nurse while Shane and I watched a movie. I have been trying to stop nursing because I will not have time when Shane goes back to work. I enjoyed the bonding we had during the movie last night so I decided to nurse her over night and most of today as well. I need to decide how I want to proceed from here, but what’s important is that I wanted to nurse her. It didn’t feel forced and unpleasant as it had in the few days before.

This is real life. Postpartum emotions are no joke. How do you think it makes me feel inside when I can’t understand why I’m struggling to feel a connection to a tiny helpless human who I carried for 37 weeks? This tiny little girl is so very wanted, and so loved, so why am I feeling these things? Hormones, man. I’ll tell ya.

Shane has been reminding me that I felt this way when we brought Alden home from the hospital as well. I don’t remember feeling that way, and honestly thinking back and even half way believing I felt them makes me so sad because I love Alden so much and could never imagine feeling those things. I know that these feelings aren’t truly my own, and I know that Rowan is the perfect finishing piece to our family. I just don’t think people talk about it as much as they should.

Sure I feel upset when she cries, or I’m so tired that I cry, or I can’t find time to shower or remember if I ate anything that day, but postpartum feelings are so much different than that. They are so much more; so uncontrollable and indescribable. I think women feel ashamed of the way they feel which is why most women don’t talk about it or seek out help if they need it. I know it’s not my fault for feeling extra sad or whatever…and having those emotions on top of everything else that I’ve been through since 2012 seems extra cruel…life has been a shit sundae and postpartum feelings/emotions are just the cherry on top.

Happy Birthday, Alden!

Dear Alden,

Happy Birthday (tomorrow) sweet girl! I cannot believe you are one! I know that’s what all parents say, but it seems impossible you’ve been here for a year, yet it seems like you’ve been here for an entire lifetime.

When I was pregnant with you, I remember feeling anxious about you arriving and also missing your sister. One day, your Daddy told me that some day we wouldn’t know how to live without you in our lives. I couldn’t see it clearly at that time, but he was very right.

I cannot put into words what it feels like to wake up every day knowing I get to spend the day with you. You came into our lives when we needed you most, and you are perfect. You are so happy and funny. You have a HUGE personality, and you love your brother so much.

When your sister died, I never thought my heart could feel happiness again. I felt scared and alone. I felt sad and confused. When we transferred you into my body, I remember feeling scared. What if I didn’t get to keep you, either? When you started to grow, so did my anxiety.

My pregnancy with you was so scary. Every day I woke up thinking I had lost you, then you would kick and reassure me you weren’t going anywhere.

On March 15th, 2017 at 8:59 a.m. you came into my life and made me a Mommy for the 3rd time. You are amazing and you have helped to heal my heart in ways I never thought possible.

I love you Alden Emilene– thank you for being mine. I cannot believe I get to keep you. I hope someday you understand the depth of my love for you.




“She looks just like Kenley”

I have heard this more than I can count the past week.

I know she does, and I can’t tell you how many emotions this raises for me. When she came out with a darker complexion and dark hair I honestly couldn’t believe it. Not what I was expecting at all. And then to top it off, she was born at the exact same time as Kenley? Like what are the chances. I should have rescheduled my csection or something. I don’t know.

At first it really bugged me that she was born at the same time…then Shane said it was Rowan’s connection to her. Alden has Kenley’s middle name as a first name, and Rowan wasn’t going to have anything. Now she has this.


I cannot help but feel almost weird caring for this new child who SO closely resembles the one I’ve been grieving the loss of for 27 months now…

Can anyone say mind fuck?

My heart is so full of love and I am so so tired , yet somehow I am just left missing Kenley. No matter how tired I am, or how many new things happen in my life- I will always think of you, sweet girl. Mommy loves and misses you so much.

weight check.

Rowan’s doctors appt for a weight check was today.

She did super well, and also we found out that she gained 2 oz!


I know that might not seem like a big deal, but an oz a day weight gain is what our pediatrician wants to see with newborns, so we are perfectly on target!

Birth- 8lbs 15oz

Leaving hospital- 8lbs 1oz

Today (2 days being home) 8lbs 3oz!!

Growing so well!

Mom guilt is so stupid and unnecessary. I hate blaming myself for the dumbest things even when they turn out to be false. I was just so convinced that she had lost a whole bunch of weight and somehow I was starving her. But, that’s false and she’s doing great. So, my boobs live to feed another day!

Last night was interesting…she woke up around 12 wanting to eat so I fed her. And fed her. And fed her…..until 1:45 a.m. I am not sure what happened but she literally was eating the entire time and every time I tried to take her off and lay her back down she would cry so hard.

I finally woke Shane up and asked him to find the little formula bottles we were given from the hospital. I had to “top her off” cus she was killing my boobs, and my sanity.

1 oz of formula later, she slept for 4 hrs.

Tonight she seems to be “snacky” again…I just gave her an oz of formula and I’m hoping to get a little sleep.

Sleeping next to this little smush face girl tonight and I cannot wait. Don’t be too jealous! πŸ™‚

hey, postpartum.

It’s no shock that hormones are alllll over the place after you deliver, right? But some how it seems like it just sneaks up and smacks you in the face! I know that my hormones are going to be crazy for an undetermined amount of time, yet somehow I allow myself to feel guilty over the things that do not matter.

I’m gonna be sad. I have a daughter who died and now I have two living daughters…and no Kenley.

I’m gonna be happy. I have a beautiful new addition to our family.

I’m gonna be tired and anxious and stressed. My newborn is adjusting to life outside the dark womb. I’m anxious because I want my baby to stay alive and that’s a lot of pressure (even though it doesn’t seem like it to “normal moms”). I’m stressed because no one sleeps at the newborn stage and my nipples fucking hurt like hell because they’re both cracked from breastfeeding.

I have a giant bruise on my right arm from my IV. It continues down my elbow almost. It doesn’t hurt but dang.

I was given IV fluids after I went to recovery because I was so sick (puked up an entire puke bag of fluids lol) so I’m extremely swollen….look at this cankle. My toes and fingers are even swollen and it’s super uncomfortable. Some people say it takes 10 days for your body to get rid of IV fluids. Ugh.

I also have these weird new stretch marks on my stomach. They are above my belly button, go horizontally and they are about “—–” this big each. It’s the weirdest thing. I don’t care about having stretch marks, big fucking deal, but it just blows my mind the way they look.

I’ve also had my tubes tied. This has given me a bunch of mixed emotions. We spent so long trying to get pregnant on our own, and we knew it was possible because that’s how Landon (and surprise! Rowan!) was conceived, but now…now it’s not possible. Which is fine, rationally, because I’m done having children. 4 is enough for my body. 4 c-sections are plenty. 4 full term pregnancies. 3 living babies. It has been a long 3 years and I know that this was the best choice for us, but it’s so final.

The postpartum period of time is so awful. I’m pretty sure being a loss mom coupled with PP is just a cruel sick joke. There are so many things you feel guilty for, and about and still in the back of your mind you’re grieving your missing child. It’s awful; everything is amplified and exaggerated.

And, sometimes the baby you have…looks very similar to the baby you lost. And that is a whole other can of emotions.

Tomorrow Rowan has a weight check at her pediatrician. I’ve never been able to exclusively breastfeed any of my children, and this time…it’s working out that I can. She didn’t need NICU time and she latched like a champ in the OR while I was being sewed up! So, I want to try. If she has lost too much weight, though, I might throw in the towel and switch to formula because I’m pretty sure I will have no time to constantly be breast feeding. I don’t know. I’m not sure yet.

I feel proud of my body for producing milk this pregnancy and so far it seems to satisfy this cute little loaf of a baby girl. Tomorrow will tell what the plan is.

I love my children. I love Rowan. I am so thankful she is here alive. All that being said, life is unfair. And honestly pretty fucked up.

last one.

As I sit here at my last NST, listening to Rowan’s beautiful little heart beating away, I can’t help but feel some sadness. Sadness that Kenley never was given an NST and that had I had one, she may have been saved.

It’s always going to weigh heavy in my heart that had we just gone in on the 26th and had an NST maybe they could have saved her. The guilt, the anxiety over not going, it’s all still really prevalent in my brain and I don’t think that’s gonna change ever.

Alden’s NSTs were always so perfect and for the most part Rowan’s have been too. Of course we would be given super awesome monitoring when the babies are perfect. It’s so frustrating. I wish all patients would have NSTs. It doesn’t seem like something that should be skipped. I’ll never understand.

I can’t believe she will be here in two days. Then I will have two children under the age of one for 12 days. It’s insane to think about. My little Irish twins. We’ve planned out Alden’s first birthday party, and I’m pretty sure I have everything I need at the house for it.

This is just a jumble of thoughts while I relax and enjoy hearing her.

Two days. I just can’t believe it!

Well that was awful. (PTSD trigger warning)

Yesterday Landon had his last Basketball game, but before we went I noticed Rowan wasn’t moving very much. I woke Shane up and told him he had to scram out of the bedroom so I could lay down and do a kick count and use my doppler. I couldn’t find her HB with doppler after trying for about 15 solid minutes and I knew I needed to stop. I then laid there and only felt one REAL movement in 30 minutes, and even that movement was super light and not normal.

I just kept telling myself I was over reacting because yesterday was Saturday- 36 weeks- One week from my scheduled c-section date and that is the same date that Kenley died. A week from her c-section date. I calmed myself down enough to feel ok to go to his game. We went and he did so well. Then after the game they had an award ceremony. After that Shane had to leave to go to work, but my dad was there so he helped me with the kids and we drove back to my house. When we got there I told him that I was going to lay down and do a kick count and try to use my doppler one more time.

I laid there for 45 minutes and did not feel one kick and was unable to get her HB on the doppler. Done. I was done. I text Shane and said I was going to L&D and asked him to meet me there. I then left my dad with the kids (lol cue the nerves) and headed to OSU. I text my Doctor about what was going on, and told her I was headed in. She told me she was on call this weekend and that I was doing the right thing. When we got there the nurses told us that my MFM had called to alert them that I was coming in and told them our history ( thank you Dr. Frey. It is so difficult to repeat my history while I’m struggling with new anxieties each and every time….).

The sweet nurse told me to relax and asked all the standard questions which I really hated because I just needed to hear her heartbeat please and thank you. She started placing the monitor on my belly looking for Rowan, and after 3 tries I said “just fyi I don’t know how much of this I can take” to which she replied “I’m going to try 3 more spots then I will get the doctor and the ultrasound machine”. We couldn’t find her. I was in full on PTSD mode. This is exactly how we found out that Kenley had died.

She left the room, and came back a few minutes later with the doctor and an ultrasound machine. I am crying. Shane is holding my hand. I just KNEW they were going to tell me she was dead. I knew it. I felt so terrible and scared and I was reliving Kenley’s death ALL over again. It was AWFUL. Thankfully they literally touched the wand to my belly and we heard her HB almost immediately.

With Kenley, I had no reason to worry. I had no reason to ever suspect she was gone, so I just figured she had rolled weird and that we were just having a hard time finding her HB. Now, with Rowan, I have every reason to be worried and scared and I was absolutely positive that she was dead and I would hear those awful words again. But, thankfully, I didn’t.

The tried to hook her up on NST but the position she was in made it extremely hard. We would get her on tracing fine and then bam she would move ever so slightly and we’d lose her. We ended up getting her for 10-15 minutes and she was at 150 bpm, but wasn’t showing any accelerations. The nurse came in and said “I’m going to go get someone to do a BPP” and she took me off NST. We sat there for an hour waiting. Then, the doctor came in and pretty much told us that they had forgotten about us and that now they didn’t think we needed a BPP.

I don’t give a shit what you think we need, just make sure my daughter is alive please? Not a hard concept. I ended up texting my Doctor. She informed me that she was pissed they let me sit off the NST for so long and told them to hook me back up. To which I replied “Please take her while I know she’s alive”. We hooked back up to NST, but the same thing kept happening. She would be on for a few minutes then move and we couldn’t keep her on. Every strip was broken and I didn’t feel confident in what was happening at all. Once she finally got back on, she had zero accelerations again for a long period of time, so much so that the Nurse came in and pretty much told me that I’m the patient and I should say that I’m not leaving the hospital until this baby is born.

I text my doctor again. She said that she understood, and that now that we were tracing well she wanted to get a good solid 20 minutes on NST to see what happened. Low and behold Rowan must have woken up because she started going crazy kicking all over and accelerating like crazy. I think she had 7 in 10 minutes. My doctor called and I said I still wasn’t satisfied because she had been nonreactive for so long that I was super nervous. She asked if a BPP would make me feel better (NOPE) and I said not really, but it would help a little I’m sure after everything was said and done.

The BPP checked out well and she scored 10/10. I told the nurse I was not leaving the Hospital if she scored less than that, so I kind of wonder if I made her lie to me about it. I dunno.

At the end after the BPP, my doctor called one last time and told me that based on the NST and the BPP she didn’t feel comfortable and had no medical reason to deliver a preterm baby. Β I understand what she means, but I know that if Rowan was born today she would be fine. In my head it feels like she would be safest outside of my body because my body already killed one of my babies and I CAN NOT lose another one.

So needless to say last night was terrible, and today I’ve been watching movement like a hawk. She was not moving as much this morning as I liked but I gave her an hour to prove me wrong and she ended up kicking like crazy so I feel “ok”. I don’t feel safe, or anything at all obviously, but I know that tomorrow I have an NST at the dr’s office and that if it’s slightly off AT ALL I will be heading to the hospital. I don’t care. I’ll camp out. I will stay until this baby is brought home alive.

I was doing so well, but it just goes to show you that any pregnancy after loss is a mind fuck sooooo hard.

6 days. I can do 6 days right? HA.


When I was pregnant with Alden after Kenley’s death, I never felt “pressure” about my pregnancy. I know that probably doesn’t make sense to most people but the mothers who have lost babies will understand it.

I thought in my head (very naively) that the universe had done me wrong enough by taking my perfect daughter that I was pretty much guaranteed to take Alden home. That awful awful thing couldn’t happen twice in two years to the same family right?? I mean looking back I know that I had and continue to have zero control over the “universe”, and while I say I didn’t feel pressure to keep her alive that’s probably false as well. Alden’s pregnancy was the most mentally taxing thing I think I’ve ever done.

I was just focused on getting her here alive. I felt we were monitored wonderfully, which we were, and I felt confident in her living. It was still very scary but it was different than this pregnancy.

This pregnancy, however, I feel something odd. And I really don’t know what else to call it except for “pressure”. Pressure to make sure that Rowan is born alive. Pressure to make sure I’m very conscious of her movements, pressure to remember her every pattern. Everyone’s excitement is overwhelming and I’m so thankful that she is so loved already and people can’t wait for her arrival, but shew.

I feel like the universe gave me my “freebie” and now I have to work for this one. My brain is overwhelmed constantly and I feel like I’m second guessing everything. Our care protocol is identical to that if Alden’s so I know I’m being monitored well, and I’m on lovenox again so I know that’s helping as well. I guess I don’t really know how to explain it.

Pressure is the best description I can come up with I think. I feel like if I were to lose another baby people would think I was unfit to be a mother (more than some of them probably already do…). I feel like I would hear “how did you not feel her moving-AGAIN”. Or similar things that you just know people are thinking and saying behind your back.

I need to get this baby here alive.

She has to survive.

11 days.


Rowans pregnancy has been pretty much routine aside from the fact that she’s a complete miracle. I do however have a fear that she will die, just like I had the fear with Alden, and just like Kenley did. I don’t care how many precautions we take, or how many NST’s I have, I will just always be fearful because of our past.

That being said I believe in my heart that we will bring her home alive. I trust my MFM and I am so ready for her to be here. I had an NST on Thursday which ultimately went well, but Rowan was just doing whatever she wanted to do….

I got there, hooked up to the monitors and immediately found her heartbeat. Then, within 5 minutes she rolled into some weird position and we couldn’t find her heartbeat for approximately 20 minutes. I felt her moving around a ton, and we would get a bunch or random heartbeats but nothing solid enough for her to pass the NST. My favorite nurse Cathy sat with me, constantly moving the monitor trying to find her heart rate and I know she could just see the fear in my eyes. She called the ultrasound tech down and had her scan to see how Rowan was laying. It turns out she was head down like always, but then flipped her spine up and at a weird angle. She was able to listen to her heart beat via ultrasound and we were able to see her moving around.

I don’t care if I could hear her heart beating or not, it stressed me the fuck out. PTSD. I mentioned it to the nurse and she asked why I was feeling that why. I told her that at the hospital this is how they couldn’t find Kenley’s heart beat– an NST. It was the first time I felt real fear during this pregnancy. I felt concern on 12/30 which prompted me to go to L&D to find out if she was moving ok.

I cannot tell you the stress and anxiety that comes with the last 2 weeks of a pregnancy after loss. Tomorrow, I’m 35 weeks pregnant. 35 WEEKS. again. I can’t believe that I’m here again. It’s a serious mind fuck honestly. All of these crazy preparations we did for Kenley, then again for Alden, we have done NOTHING for this baby except we have a dresser. I feel guilty honestly, but we don’t have a bedroom for her, so I mean I don’t know what were supposed to do. Ugh.

Tomorrow my Mother in Law is throwing me a “diaper party”. Β I didn’t really want one, and I don’t really know how I feel about it honestly, but it is what it is…Having a baby shower for a baby after loss is weird anyway, and this is my second baby after my loss. I dunno. I obviously will appreciate everything we receive and I am grateful that she wasn’t to throw one for us, it’s just weird for me.

14 days to go.