Wow. Where to start…

Lots has been going on, and I have been pretty MIA here except for a few random posts about how much my grief is taking ahold of me. So to jump right in to the updates…

We sold our house. We close on the 28th of September, and need to be out by October 3rd. We are moving in with my in-laws and living there while we build a home! We will be there for nearly 9 months, which is super intimidating, but you know what?… it’s fine and everything will work out. We are building with Schumacher homes and I cannot wait to get our forever home built and get us moved in. Today is our lot walk with the builder, and of course it’s pouring rain…I’m not sure if were still having it or not. Guess we will see!

Although the thought of moving out of this house really fills my heart with some sadness, I know that we will have many more memories in the new home. I can’t help but think of all the memories here…Landon was just 4 months old when we moved in. He first rolled over here, he took his first steps here. Yes those memories come with me, blah blah blah, but this house has seen it all. Literally. SO many things, good and bad, have happened here and it’s just hard to think about leaving for the last time and never getting to come back to the space where all these things happened.

Kenley’s nursery was constructed with such love and care. Walking in there every night and rocking her while she was safe in my belly filled me with so much hope and love, and then she was taken from us and her room became off limits. I remember the smell when I first went in there after having it closed off for so long…it smelled cold and sterile. Then, it became Kenley and Alden’s room slowly but surely. Now somehow it has become a room full of love again. I never EVER thought that would happen, but it did. Thinking about leaving that room automatically brings tears to my eyes and I cannot think about it with out feeling sick to my stomach.

It’s just going to be really really hard.

In other news, Landon has mono. He was feeling sick three weeks ago, and we took him for a strep test. They said it came back negative. They sent it out to be tested farther, and on Sunday they called to tell me that it was IN FACT positive. So, he had gone to school, football practice etc and had mono. Ugh. I feel so bad for him. He’s been working so hard at football during the summer, and has only played one game! Now, he’s pretty much out for the entire season. I hope that he will be able to play maybe one more game, but I really doubt it. We have to have blood work drawn again in a week to make sure that the mono is gone.

Also, I went to Chicago last weekend (alone!)! I met up with 4 women who I have been talking with since spring of 2016. They, unfortunately, know the sadness of baby loss. It felt SO normal, and I cannot believe how well we all got along. It was such an enjoyable time! We spent time talking about our lives, just like our daily texts and we also spent some quality time talking about our babies. It felt SO good to do that face to face instead of over text.

Shane’s birthday is tomorrow! I haven’t gotten him a gift and I’m pretty sure I won’t. We haven’t really done gifts in a while, so I don’t think this is a good time to start 🙂

I’m trying to create Kenley’s care packages this December too, but it’s not going too well… The donations are slow this year, and thats probably because I’m not pressing the donations like I was last year. I feel like I’m letting her down, but I am stretched so thin currently…If I can ramp up some donations I think it might be possible to get a couple boxes donated.

Life has been hectic. Crazy busy. Sad. Happy. All the emotions.


oh theres a river that winds on forever

There is a video somewhere in my house that shows me getting clothes from my dryer on the night that Kenley died. Shane got the camera charged and was talking to her, showing her around the house. He came to me and said “We’re going to meet you tonight! There you are in Mommy’s belly!”…. I have never watched this video, and honestly I don’t know where it is.

I have a feeling that Shane knows where it is; I’m almost positive that he has watched it.

I think about that video and I want to puke. I want to scream at myself; jump through the tv screen and shake myself. STOP PACKING! GO TO LABOR AND DELIVERY ASAP!!! GO NOW! YOUR BABY IS DYING AND YOU’RE PACKING A HOSPITAL BAG???


It makes me sick…like physically ill thinking about it.Why didn’t I go to Labor and Delivery earlier? I took Landon to my mother in laws at 9 am…yet I didn’t go to L&D until damn near 6pm.

I know the moment she died. What a fucking terrible feeling to live with. Think you’re having a bad day? Just be thankful you don’t carry that burden with you.

I was so happy to be packing my hospital bag. I wanted nothing more than to have my daughter born, and be able to have some nice photos of us afterward. With Landon I went into the hospital completely unprepared and with nothing, so I knew that with Kenley it would be different.

If I only fucking knew, right? If I only knew then what I know now. I would have asked for that extra NST test, even though the NP told me I was fine. I would have insisted even though she said everyone had “checked out mentally” that day because it was 2 days before Christmas. I just blindly trusted her? Why? Why did I believe that she knew what was going on inside of me. I should have told her about the weird pain (Kenley’s foot underneath my rib cage for sure).  I would have asked for extra scans. I would have insisted on a c-section at 38 weeks like I asked for in the first place…only to be told that they don’t do “elective” sections before 38 weeks.

I hope that the doctors in that office are haunted by their choices regarding my care. Like forever. I hope that it wakes them up at night and they feel sick.

but you know what? I know it doesn’t. I know they probably don’t even think of her anymore. She was just another “patient” to them. To me, I lost the love of my life…to them, it was just someone else’s problem.

It has been 2 years and 8 months today, yet it feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago at the same time. Time is a weird thing after you lose a child; it makes you dizzy and catches you off guard. I feel like I am constantly in a fog, and never really truly know what day it is. I don’t think I have since the day she died.

She should almost be 3 years old. Entering preschool possibly? I don’t let my mind go there. If I don’t allow my mind to think these things, I feel that I’m protecting my heart, but then deep down my conscious is like no you’re not protecting your heart you’re doing her a disservice by suppressing her. But am I really suppressing her? I’m pretty sure that I’m not? I’m pretty sure that I’m literally doing what I need to do in order to fucking survive.

Surviving without a child is THE WORST fucking thing in the world, I’m pretty damn sure of it.

I miss her and I didn’t even get to see her grow up. What a crazy mind fuck that is. I never heard her voice. I never heard her breathe, or saw her beautiful eyes. I never watched her chew on her tiny little fingers. I never got to feel her warmth on my chest; both of us feeling safe. I felt panicked and alone and scared and vulnerable and lost….And, she felt nothing. Ever.

Kenley’s care packages

Well, it’s August. And like half way into August at that. I had good intentions this year to start donations early and get things done……then a million things started happening. We almost bought a house. We listed our house for sale (and did all the things that come along with doing that…) I had some health stuff come up, Shane’s been working 6 days a week since May. Both girls are teething. Landon started football, and Landon just started school.

It’s just insane.

I don’t know that I’m going to be able to pull it off this year. I just don’t know. Our house is sold. It closes September 28th and we’re out 5 days later….

We’re going to be living with my In Laws.

I’m struggling with the fact that I really might not be able to do this for Kenley’s Birthday this year.

I feel guilty.

I have time for my living children (barely, it feels) so why can’t I have time for her.

It causes me so much anxiety and I’m not sure what to do. I miss having time to reflect here about how much I miss her and love her.

Because I do. I miss her so much. My life is never and will never be whole.

I don’t know what to do.

screw you, PBS.

We are in the process of showing our house because it’s listed for sale. I originally wanted to have 24 hr notice for showings, but somehow it didn’t end up happening…so, it is what it is. Today, I had received a request @ 9:30 for a showing from 1-2PM. Ugh. Shane and I cleaned up the house. We’re currently living in what feels like a staged home; Minimal toys. Minimal anything, really… and it’s incredibly hard to keep it clean with a toddler running around.

I think she must be able to tell when we need the house clean because thats when she likes to destroy things the most. She is IN LOVE with my pan cabinet, which in all honesty isn’t too bad with the exception that she will more than likely drop them on her toes at one point and either break one, or crack a toe nail or something. But, anyway, she carries them through the house and I will be cleaning up getting ready for a showing and come across a sauce pan in her bedroom closet, or the bathroom, or some other random place.

Current situation? Two lids in my living room floor.

ANYWAY. Not the point of this post. All this to say that we leave our home during the showings, and then we usually end up at my mother in laws for the duration. Today I was looking on demand to find something fun for Alden to watch while she ate her lunch, and I came across PBS. When I saw it, something in my stomach just felt off. I didn’t think too hard about it but clicked on their little section for shows anyway. When I came across Peg+Cat I felt it again.

The other day it happened to me too. I was scrolling through the guide and came cross PBS so I changed it to the channel. Thought it would offer some variety for Alden because I swear to god all she watches is Little Einsteins. Well, when I turned it on, it was a commercial for Nature Cat. Cue weird feeling in my stomach.

So today I clicked on peg+cat and was waiting for it to start when all of a sudden I sort of remembered why I was feeling that way. I canceled the on demand episode and hoped to god it would cancel before it actually started playing.


The series peg+cat came out in 2015.

I baby sat my friends kid and we watched a lot of PBS in the mornings.

I watched him while I was pregnant with Kenley.

It makes me physically ill to watch it, or hear it because of the reminders. I just cannot believe that I had forgotten that. It’s so weird how it still just makes you feel like shit no matter how long it has been. The triggers are still there; they will always be here, I’m sure of it. Things are different these days…the grief is less sharp? I feel like after Kenley died I was this freshly sharpened pencil; I was sharp and new to this situation. But, as my grief changed and life went on I was worn down, and the sharp edge was taken off… but at the same time I would be “resharpened” from time to time. In certain moments, the grief is just as sharp as before, and I know that it will always feel that way. There are things that will “resharpen” my grief for the rest of my life.

There are things that will trigger me forever. There are things that will cause so much sadness in my heart for the rest of my life. There are things that I can’t think about, to this day, without breaking down into a sobbing mess. This is my life. This is what (almost) 31 months out from the death of my child looks and feels like.

31 months…how…

942 days.

2 years, 6 months and 29 days…

The depth of my grief will not change, it’s just that my life doesn’t stop to allow me to be present in that grief most days.



I literally do not feel like I have time to think about anything without my brain being clouded with 50,000 other thoughts. It’s insane. There is so much going on in our lives and while most of it is amazing, it does come with stress and emotional guilt.

We have officially listed our home for sale. The only home that any of my children have ever known. Landon was 4 months old when we moved here– Rowan’s age! He is not a bright and vibrant 7 year old boy. Kenley grew inside of me here…The embryo that is now Alden implanted here, and Rowan surprisingly came into our lives here. I have some guilt about leaving the only home that Kenley ever knew. I think the decision to move from the only home that your dead baby has ever known is so personal…some people say it feels freeing for them to leave, and some people say that they feel guilt.

I think that eventually I will feel ok with the choice, but right now it just brings me to tears randomly. I had so many plans for our lives here. We were going to have 2 kids, and this house would be perfect for that. The space here would accommodate us, but, alas life isn’t always what you expect it to be…now we have 3 living children and one who will never be here to take up space and cause commotion.

Yesterday we had the realtor team in to take photos of our home. It took 2 hours! I can’t wait to see them on our listing though. I’ve put a ton of work into this home, Shane has busted his ass working on things to make the outside of the home look beautiful, and he has busted his ass even harder working his job to make sure we can afford this home and that I can stay home with the kids.

We haven’t been able to find anything we are interested in buying, but we are actively looking for homes and for land. We would love to build. Things just need to constantly be  busy all the time, apparently. I guess I like to torture myself. Thinking about doing showings of this house with 3 kids, and Shane at work during the day time stresses me out to no end! Our goal is to have showings all next week after it gets listed, and do an open house on Saturday and Sunday. We will see what happens.

Life is weird, and this post is sort of just a jumbled mess of thoughts because I needed to write them down.

two and a half.

Today you should be two and a half years old. You should be doing a wide array of things that I have not allowed myself to even think about quite honestly. I don’t know what type of little girl you would be. Would you be a stubborn independent child, or would you be a cuddly love bug? Or both? Would you let me put your hair in pigtails and let me paint your nails?

What would your voice sound like?

Would your eyes stay brown like I read on your autopsy report they were?

How much would you love Landon? He loves you so much and he never got to meet you. That is one of my biggest “I don’t know if I did the right thing” moments…it’s probably the only moment in my life that I’m always questioning or replaying…should I have let him see you? He misses you so bad.

I don’t typically allow my brain to go to these places because it’s just too sad. It is so fucking sad. My heart breaks daily for you and what our family lost when you left us. I wish so badly that you were alive and I was able to hold you in my arms and kiss your warm skin. I would give anything to run my hands over your beautiful face one more time. I love you, sweet girl.

It is not lost on me that both of your sisters wouldn’t be here if you were and that is a very hard thing to swallow. These days, it feels like I can’t imagine you being alive, and them not being here. I never thought I would be able to even think that way, but grief is weird and confusing. I know it’s all part of healing but it makes me so sad.

Grief is changing for me lately.

Maybe it’s not the grief that is changing per se; I still miss you as much if not more than the day you left me. Instead, maybe it’s the fact that your sisters are helping me heal in ways I never thought possible mixed with the fact that my heart has cried all it possibly can for you. There are times when everything feels fresh and I am overwhelmed with the raw grief of the early days, but that is more rare now. More often it is something small that brings a tear to my eye; instead of crying for an entire day, I will be blindsided and cry for a few moments. The grief is short lived and super intense but I’m able to pull myself from its grips.

Christmas anything, songs, colors, the weather, noises, driving past certain places, wearing certain clothes, certain scents, the way your Daddy looks at me…these are some of the things that are normal, yet somehow are also triggers for me. Life is like a second hand puzzle you get at goodwill and you are the missing piece; Everything now feels discounted, and cheap. I feel cheated. I’ll never get that piece back.

Today you should be 2 and a half. How is that even possible. The mind is an amazing thing capable of understanding some really intense stuff but I will NEVER understand your death. I know that there is a “scientific reason” why you died; we were fortunate enough to get that answer. But, there is no logical reason in the same sense…there is no reason a perfect child should die. My perfect baby should be alive.

I’ve never allowed myself to fully go back to that day. My heart is one small break away from irreparable damage. It’s not that I don’t want to remember it, I do so badly, but it hurts. It’s a memory that no one should ever have.

Kenley, you were (are) so wanted. I planned for you. I prepared my life for your arrival and you never came. I am so sorry that I couldn’t save you; I know that it’s not my “fault” but IT IS.

Two and a half years…how does it feel like just yesterday, but also an eternity since I’ve held you in my arms? Two and a half years closer to you, my sweet first daughter.

I love you.


Your skin

Oh yeah, your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

You know, you know I love you so

You know I love you so

-Coldplay. Yellow.

It’s time…again!

As many of you know, it’s about time to start creating Kenley’s care packages. These packages will go to the hospital where she was born to comfort other parents who are going through what we went through. This year I have decided to stick with 40 packages, and donate hand made hats, and blankets as well. Last year we donated SOOOOO MUCH STUFF. It made my heart feel so happy and proud that we could do that in her name. A lot of you reading probably helped in some way or another, so I thank you for that.

I wrote about starting to collect donations again this year and that can be found here.


The amazon wish list is here


The gofundme page is here


If you wish to help in another way not mentioned above, please let me know! Anything helps. I appreciate everything you all have helped me accomplish in her honor. That’s the greatest thing for a momma’s heart.



I have no time. I have been stretching myself so thin lately that I feel like I want to punch something. Please allow me to explain myself…

We need more space in our current home so for the last like year we have been tossing around adding on, building, or buying a home. We finally got to a point where we decided we were for sure going to build. I was gathering quotes from builders (7 different builders) and we had decided on a floor plan with all the upgrades yada yada yada. I called the bank and spoke with my “person” there and she informed me of a bunch of crap we would have to do if we wanted to buy land while we still own our current home. Shane and I were like “oh shit, that sucks” and we just felt dejected and let down, frustrated that we have been working so hard to get these quotes and we would need to sell and also have a huge down payment for a piece of land.

Later that night Shane was looking at the real estate websites and goes “Oh man, that green house is for sale that we like!”, so we sat down and looked at the photos and emailed the realtor saying we wanted to look at it. The next day we walked through it, the day after that we put in a full price offer. They didn’t respond to our offer, and ended up taking a few more days than we were happy with to respond and ultimately came back with a good counter offer, but they still had something in the contract that we just weren’t happy with.

Ultimately, we decided to pass on the home…I’m heart broken, and grumpy about it. I wanted that home. It was PERFECT. It was 3400 sq ft, 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, had a wood burning fireplace, it was PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT. There is nothing for sale around our town that is worth a crap, and this house was IT. But, ultimately the fact that they could accept another offer if we didn’t get an offer on our house within 30 days was just scary for us. So, we just decided to walk away. It was in a neighborhood too and Landon couldn’t ride his four wheeler so that was a big red flag for us in the first place.

Back to square one…

We are currently getting our home ready to put on the market, and holy shit I didn’t realize there was so much we needed to do to our house! We just live here and fix things when they need fixed or whatever but when you’re going to sell it’s totally freakin different. We are currently waiting to have our countertops measured for granite on 6/25, and they will be installed on 7/2. We are having painters come on Monday to paint the rest of our trim and 6 interior doors. The past two weeks of my life have been SO incredibly frustrating. I just want things to go smooth because I’m already stressed about leaving our house. It is Kenley’s only home, and that breaks my heart.

I’m tired and frustrated and annoyed and grumpy and sad and worried and angry that this is my life in the first place. It’s supposed to be exciting to pick a house and move there. We can afford a beautiful home and I want to be excited about it, but I’m just stressed. I wish that I wasn’t such an anxious person and could enjoy life, but that’s just not me. It may have been me in the past I think? I’m not sure. I don’t know that person anymore. I haven’t known her in a long time.

Being this busy leads me to feeling so down a lot of the times. I feel like I don’t have time for myself, or for my children individually. I definitely don’t have time for grief, and it ends up manifesting itself as other things such as anger, sadness, depression. The other day while packing, Landon carried the diaper bag I took to the hospital with Kenley out to the packing area and I started immediately crying. My mom looked so worried and asked what was wrong, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks all over again. That bag. That bag that was lovingly packed and prepared for her beautiful body to come home…the bag that still has my nursing bra inside of it.

I don’t want to sit down and have a planned moment to cry, because that’s just not where I’m at in my life. Life is happening all around me and I am barely keeping up, but I feel like because it’s always going 1,000 miles a minute, I don’t have time to even think about how badly I miss her. I sat in that nursery waiting for her to come home…and we’re going to move away from this house. It feels like I’m leaving her behind in a way. The closet in the nursery is still painted the same color as Kenley’s nursery; I didn’t change it when the painter painted it for Alden’s arrival. It feels like everything is changing again and I just want it to be the same. I want to go back to before life was a constant changing river flow.

I’m so ready to be settled into somewhere that I can call home….I wish that I could share that home with all of my children….



SAHM after loss

When I found out I was pregnant with Landon, I thought I would have him without issue, stay home for 6 weeks, then go back to work. Wrong. The minute I laid eyes on him I knew that I didn’t want to return to work. It just so happened that Shane makes good enough money that this was an option for us. We would have to sacrifice some extra spending but it was so worth it. Raising Landon was the hardest (and still is the hardest) thing I had been through. He was difficult, didn’t sleep, had colic and acid reflux and on top of all of those things was my first child so I was super anxious. Fast forward 7 years and he’s still the hardest kid I have!

Being a stay at home Mom is very rewarding, and on the other hand it is the worst thing in the world some days. I am a very social person, and I crave interaction with other adults so at first immediately after Landon I struggled SO BAD with this. I was lonely, I felt like it was just me and Landon all day every day. We had no family to visit, I didn’t have a job, and I was in a town where I had about 4 friends (all of whom worked at the job I no longer had). It was rough. I remember feeling sad a lot. Shane worked really weird hours, and it left me alone with Landon a lot. I took on the morning routines, and the night routines and pretty much everything, honestly.

When I found out I was pregnant with Kenley, I was scared to take my SAHMing to another level with two kids. Landon was 4 (almost 5) and would be starting Kindergarten that fall, so I was nervous about preparing him for that while having a newborn. It’s funny the things I used to worry about…So when Kenley died, I was stuck at home, again, without a baby, and with a child who just witnessed his Mother and Father go through the worst thing in the whole entire world. I was left to handle my grief and help this poor  4 year old navigate his own grief. How are you supposed to help someone handle and understand their grief when you literally are barely able to wake up every morning and DO NOT understand it yourself?

I tried. I tried really, really hard. I would listen to Landon, and let him cry, and ask questions, and say all of these things that would cut me like a fucking knife. It hurt. It hurt my heart every single day (still does) to watch him process the death of his sister. He is still processing it. He talks about her, he draws pictures of her, looks at her picture, includes her in conversation, but sometimes I wonder if he really considers her a person, or just a dream. I’m not sure.

When we had Alden, I was nervous again. Now, I had my living child who was plagued with grief from losing his first sister, and I had MY grief from losing her, and then we had a newborn. I was scared that things wouldn’t flow properly and that I would resent her for taking Kenley’s “space” (nursery). I really felt a lot of emotions about having her. Some good…some bad…some scary.  When she came, I couldn’t have loved her anymore. It took me a while to really feel connected with her, I won’t lie. I loved her so much, but it was different. Once we settled in, and things become routine, my love for her just exploded and now I cannot imagine living without her. It does hurt to know that Kenley should be here, and be older than her, but at the same time it’s so hard to think that way because Alden wouldn’t be here if Kenley was here. I hate even allowing my brain to think that way. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t be one or the other– it should be BOTH. Or better yet, ALL.

Alden and Landon’s interactions make my heart burst. It is so amazing to see Landon be a brother to her. He is amazing, and loves her so much. He loves Alden fiercely; I can see the protection in his eyes when he is with her. And he also loves Kenley, albeit differently. That makes my Momma heart proud. Having two children at home was different. Having all things compounded with grief, and fatigue was super hard. But, Landon went to first grade and Alden watched him get on the bus every day. When she could talk, she would scream “bubby” as he left in the mornings. She is a PERFECT baby. She sleeps so well, she is so fun, she entertains herself when needed, and she is my little bestie.

When we found out we were expecting Rowan it was SO different. We were done after Alden. We weren’t expecting to have another baby let alone so quickly after Alden arrived. Alden was barely 4 months old when I found out I was expecting Rowan. Cue fear. I was done being stressed out and worried but now I had no choice but to go through it all again. Once Rowan arrived it was the same course of emotions I experienced with Alden; fear, fatigue, and tons of grief and guilt. I didn’t feel connected to her just like with Alden, and I feared it was far worse that with Alden because she was a “surprise” (for lack of better words). As we all fell back into a routine, now with 3 living children at home, my feelings towards Rowan changed. Now, once again, I couldn’t imagine my life without her. She is growing into this little person and it’s so much fun to witness.

Having 2 under 2 is rough. SUPER ROUGH. I’m tired, I’m always covered in puke, or food. I pee with the door open, and as fast as I can because undoubtedly someone will cry, or Alden will come running into the bathroom with cold (sometimes wet?) hands and smack my legs while I sit there. SAH momming is NOT pretty. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t change out of my pjs usually.  I never have a second to sit down and just breathe. I found the time to write this today because the girls are napping and I made Landon go do something and give me space. Not because I don’t love him and want to be around him, but because I am a person too, and I deserve a free second. I work extremely hard every second of every day and I need “me” time. Having the babies is a lot of work. I am always changing a diaper or feeding someone it feels like (and that person being fed is never me!) . Landon is home for the summer, and in ways it’s super helpful but in some other ways it’s so much worse because he needs attention on top of the girls, and trying to find time to include him is kind of impossible.

I explain to him that the girls NEED me, he is able to take care of himself, and that I need him to help me out, but I know that he feels left out a lot. It’s hard. It makes my heart feel guilty. The days when I have a bad day (emotionally) are the worst. Everything seems 1000x harder, and I feel like I snap and yell a lot. It’s a work in progress, this life with 3 living kids. I’m trying the best I can, but I cannot help but feel like I lose myself a lot.

I am a Mother of 4 children, and a lot of times that is all that people see. Heck, they technically only see me being a Mother to 3 children, and they miss this HUGE part of my life. I feel like my life is an Onion; I have a trillion layers and some of them will make you cry. Finding time to include Kenley, and remember her is super difficult with 3 living kids, too. I feel guilt over not being able to spend time with her daily. I see that she is showing me she is with us in certain ways though. For example, I always tend to look at the clock on the “32” minute of whatever hour it is. It’s weird! She was born at 10:32 pm and I don’t know why it happens, but it just does. And if it’s just a completely random thing that happens, fine, but I NEED to think it’s a sign because it makes me feel close to her.

Being a mom is rough. Being a stay at home mom is rough. Being a stay at home mom, to 4 kids one of whom died before you got to know her is sad and rough.

But, somehow, it’s also the greatest thing I’ve ever done and I am proud of myself that I am able to hold my shit together to raise these little loves we created.

I can only dream about having them all here…

Someday we will all be together again. I look forward to that day–whenever and wherever it may be.


Today Landon said “I wish Kenley was alive. She would be the most fun sister ever.”

What do I say to that? As a parent, I want to say one thing, and as a grieving mother I want to scream and cry out another reply. My heart gets torn in so many directions so often these days that I sometimes forget how I’m truly feeling.

Every single day is different; different day, yet the same intense grief. I feel like some days I wake up and I feel good, but then the day just seems overwhelmingly difficult and I break down. Some days I feel like I can’t handle everything that I have going on in my life, on top of my grief…yet somehow I do, and then there are days I wake up feeling like superwoman and handle the day, start to finish, like a pro (this is rare).

The whole notion that grief and joy can coexist was something I truly thought impossible in the early days. I remember laying in the hospital bed after Kenley died and just thinking that it was all different now. I very specifically remember thinking that this is my life now. I have a dead daughter and that’s who I am. 

And it is who I am.

It will always be who I am.

I am her mother.

But, I am also Landon, Alden, and Rowan’s Mother and even on days where I would rather crawl into a hole and die I have to remind myself of that. I seriously do not know where the will to survive comes from some days. I just don’t. Some days I count down the minutes until nap time, or bed time, or until Shane comes home.

Today, today was one of those days. We took Landon to Nationwide Children’s Concussion Clinic for a follow-up on his concussion diagnosis and it raised a lot of emotions inside of me. I know he’s fine deep down, but it just really triggers some heavy shit when you have to walk into any hospital after you lose a child. I often think I’m doing better, then I have a day like today and it takes my breath away and brings me to tears. Landon is fine, he is cleared and the doctor thinks he is almost healed from his concussion, but referred us to the Neurology department for Landon’s tics. I knew this would be necessary but I’m thankful for the shove because I had been putting it off.

It’s wonderful news (healing from concussion), but still just too heavy. Thinking that there could be something wrong with him or his brain or whatever is just TOO heavy for me. I can’t. I know it’s probably just transient tics like he was diagnosed with back in 2014, but now? Now I go to the dark place immediately.

Tumors. Cancer. Death. Another dead child. How can I survive that?

I. Just. Can’t. Even. Handle. It.

I’ve been finding myself feeling like Alden will die, and as I type that out I realize how ridiculous it might sound to some people but when it has happened to you, nothing is ridiculous in your own brain. You get stuck inside of these dark thoughts, or a dark place and it’s extremely hard to get out of it or stop thinking them.

Nothing has really triggered these fears, per se, but it’s like I LOVE HER so incredibly much that I’m so fearful. Same with Rowan. I keep thinking that something is wrong with her. There is no reason for me to think that, but I just keep running scenarios in my head. I’m also finding that my anti-depressant is making me a little irritated. I think that I may need to have my dose adjusted or something. Life is not supposed to be this hard. Or maybe it is. Maybe my life was cake before, and now this is just normal. I often feel as if I caused Kenley’s death, not by my own hand, but just by the choices I have made in my life before her. I don’t know. I know that’s not possible, but it’s guilt. It will always be there. I am her Mother and I could not save her. I didn’t know she was sick. I didn’t know something was wrong.

Life really likes to kick you when you’re down…