I was reading a post by Megan Devine today that I saw on Instagram, and something really stuck with me.
“We stop saying it hurts because no one listens.”
It’s so true. I read it and I was like…wow. That’s is just one of those things that you read and you’re immediately reassured that your feelings are valid.
Eventually people stop listening.
Our pain and grief become their background noise; They hear us, but they can choose to tune us out.
I know that everyones lives go on, and I don’t expect anyone to sit in my grief with me for over 3 years, but man. There are only about handful of people who even say Kenley’s name to me anymore. It’s so frustrating. She is a major part of my life–actually she is the sole reason my life is currently the way that it is. If she would have survived I wouldn’t have Alden or Rowan, and wouldn’t be building a house. I’m not saying that is a good thing or a bad thing one way or the other, but it is fact.
Another thing that really resonated with me was something that Jess posted on her IG. This was a quote from her wife about losing their son, Leo.
It said “In an instant I lose them both. Our sweet, wild boy is gone, And so is the life in her eyes.”
I can relate to this more than I want to, but it’s so true. We lost our baby girl, and we both lost ourselves. I don’t remember who I used to be, and I’ve tried many times. I can see her, in all of her naivety and happiness…floating along in life thinking nothing bad could ever happen to her…Only to have the worst thing happen. I often wonder if that woman would survive my life. I don’t think she would.
The woman I used to be was broken. She was shattered into a million pieces and this new woman was left to pick up her parts…I think I did a good job, but let me tell you there are days where I walk around and I’m a shell of who I used to be. Hell, somedays I’m a shell of who I became as well.
Life after loss is a daily struggle. A battle between my two lives, and who I have become. I feel grief and sadness every day. It’s different. It has shaped my entire life. It has changed me. It has changed my Husband. It has changed our entire universe, and every single person in our family–immediate or otherwise.
Grief is the thief of joy even when everything in your life looks to be going so well…you still have a child who is dead.
And some people just don’t seem to remember that.
Our Sweet K. 
I’m listening and I remember.
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I’m just a shadow of the man I use to be. That’s what I say. Unfortunately, I understand. Hugs.
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I’m visiting my brother and sister in law right now and mentioned Norah today… how she made me eat tomatoes, something I hated eating until I was pregnant with her. No one reacted. No one responded. They kept the conversation going as if I hadn’t spoken. Sometimes even when we speak up, no one wants to deal with your pain so they just ignore it as if it never happened. As if she didn’t happen. At some point, people just don’t want to acknowledge your loss because it is uncomfortable for them. And that just makes it more lonesome when you want to speak up, because at some point you realize there’s no point.
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Ugh I’m sorry Lindsay. How terrible. Some people genuinely just cannot handle the emotions of it all and some people just choose to wall it off. It’s so frustrating. Sending you and N much love as always.
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