My dear sweet Daughter,
Before I knew you, I longed to be your mother; everything inside of me knew I was destined to care for you. When your daddy and I found out we were pregnant, we both cried. I will never forget seeing your heart beat for the first time on that screen, 135 bpm. Strong. Loud. Perfect.
When we told your brother, he was so excited. I recorded it, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to watch that video again. He was so excited to meet you, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done to tell him you weren’t coming home with us. Your poor sweet brother, he doesn’t understand 100%. He talks about you all the time, and one time he even cried to me saying he wishes he could have held you. That hurt my heart so incredibly much. As parents, we thought it was best that he didn’t see you, as you didn’t look how he would expect. We thought we were doing the right thing, and now I wonder if we didn’t. Your brother loves you very much, K. He takes care of your tree, and sleeps with two of your stuffed animals.
When we announced you to the world, your Brother was the center of it. He held pink balloons along with your ultrasound picture. It was one of the most proudest happiest moments of my life. Everybody knew how hard we had worked to get you, and what we had gone through. We were all so excited for you.
You went with us to Florida, you flew on a plane, enjoyed some Harry Potter world and butter beer. You kept growing strong for us, and at ten weeks we found out that you were a girl. A perfect, genetically normal girl. My heart burst out of my chest with happiness; I finally had you baby girl! I was so happy. I did everything I could over the coming months to keep you safe. I ate well (when I could stomach food- you liked to make me very sick). I made sure I took my vitamins. I didn’t smoke, or drink, or sit around and gain 60 lbs.
I remember the first time I threw up after brushing my teeth; it was awful. It became my new normal. I would brush my teeth and then nearly 80% the time afterward I would puke. You made me puke at very random times, too. My favorite pregnancy moment was when you made me so sick that I threw up and peed my pants at the same time. Thanks for that, sweet girl. Your daddy found it to be hilarious.
I felt you move around 14 weeks. I knew those little flutters were you squirming around in there; Growing and getting stronger every day. When you were super active one day, your brother felt you kick. He was amazed. The look on his face is one that I will never forget. He always asked to feel you after that. I would have let him lay with his head on my belly every day all day had I known he would never feel you in real life. I remember listening to your heartbeat on my home doppler. Always so strong, and clear as a bell. I listened to you a lot. Landon would laugh at me and ask why I was always listening to the baby, so one day I told him that we were going to listen to his heart beat. We put the doppler on his chest, and the speaker next to my belly so you could hear his heartbeat, too. This is one of my favorite memories of you and him.
I can’t even talk about making your nursery, and picking out clothes and things for you because it is too hard. I can’t enter your room. The night we got home from the hospital I walked right into your room. I sat in your glider, and cried my heart out. It was the beginning of my life without you in our home. It was new years eve, and after being in there for a few minutes, we heard loud distant booms. Your dad looked at his phone, and said it was midnight, a new year. He kissed me in your room on midnight, and I want him to kiss me there every new years midnight until the day I die. There was something about that moment we shared with you in that room. It was almost like you knew I needed to feel you, so you made yourself known with amazing fireworks.
The day before you died, I decided I wanted to listen to your heartbeat. I hadn’t done it in a while because I was having regular Dr appointments and things were going great. Your heart beat was 142bpm, exactly what it was at the doctors appointment just a few days earlier. It was the most beautiful sound. I recorded it and sent it to your daddy, to which he replied ” It’s so strong!”. Little did we know that this would be the last time we heard your heart beat. I believe in my soul that you made me get my doppler out, and listen one last time because you knew. You knew you wouldn’t be here with me. You knew I wouldn’t ever get to listen to it on the outside.
Hearing the doctor tell us that you had no heartbeat was the most painful moment of my life. It will always be that moment. You are my daughter and I could not protect you. I failed you. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. Why didn’t I go in sooner? Why didn’t I insist on getting another NST at my Dr’s appointment the 23rd? Why didn’t I advocate for myself better and insist I be sent to a MFM for my history. There are so many things that I wonder about. Could I have saved you? Why couldn’t I save you?
My life carrying you was amazing. My life as your mother is and always will be amazingly sad. You were everything that we wanted, K. You completed us, our little family. You were the missing piece for us, and now we will forever be an unfinished puzzle.
I would take my last breath to let you have your first. Life is not fair, and I will never understand why you aren’t here with me or why you can’t be the little sister to Landon, or Daddy’s little girl…Why you can’t be my best friend. I love you with every ounce of my soul, Sweet Kenley girl. I am so happy you only felt love, and laughter in your short life.
I will always love you,