I want to start this post off by saying that I am not extremely sad ALL of the time. I know that it may look that way to many of you reading, but it’s not true. This is my blog; my space to write whatever I feel like writing at any given time. Just because I write the shittiest feelings here, or say exactly what is on my mind, it doesn’t mean that I am doom and gloom.

And honestly, if I was all doom and gloom, could you fucking blame me? Didn’t think so.

That being said, I had a rough night last night; Some nights are a lot worse than others. I sometimes can’t find the right words to express how I’m feeling to Shane, which leads me to be grumpy with him, even when it’s not his fault. Sometimes he will ask me what is wrong, and I can’t answer him; it’s the same thing all the time. What is ALWAYS wrong, what will forever BE wrong? That’s what is wrong. I think maybe I just should tell him to assume that if I’m having a bad day, the reason is always the same. This goes for everyone; If I’m moody, or grumpy don’t ask me why- just please assume you know the reason.

Tomorrow we have an appointment at my RE @ 8:15. I will be having an ultrasound, and getting blood work. We will discuss our plans to move forward with the FET (frozen egg transfer) and hopefully get a date! I cannot wait to hear what my RE has to say about our embryos doing so well. Maybe I will bring the it starts with the egg book along in case he wants to see why I took the supplements I did.

I was hoping that maybe we would hear news about the embryos today, but I highly doubt it. The embryologist said we should hear back within a week, so I’m hoping we hear by Friday at least; I would love for Shane to be here with me when they call. I am just ready to see what the cost of this FET will be. I know I need meds, but I really hope that we can keep it under $4k. This process is bleeding us dry it seems. Thanks life, we really really appreciate it.

Today marks 26 weeks since Kenley left us. I have a lot of feelings about it; yet I feel so blank. It’s a fucked up thing, life after loss. I’ve said it before and I will probably be saying it until the day I die. Tomorrow is the 29th; tomorrow will mark 6 months. Half a year? How is that even possible? It has been half a year since I’ve held my daughter– that just doesn’t seem like real life. I guess maybe that’s how everything will feel now?  Maybe everything will just happen in a normal way, but I will feel as if I’m standing still with the world rushing by me? I will never ever understand the reason she was taken from us.

I have begun to realize that this photo is exactly what is going on in my life. I guess the expectation of bringing my living daughter home was just way too much. I guess I’ll just live in this fucked up “reality” instead. I was never given a choice.