Yesterday Landon had his last Basketball game, but before we went I noticed Rowan wasn’t moving very much. I woke Shane up and told him he had to scram out of the bedroom so I could lay down and do a kick count and use my doppler. I couldn’t find her HB with doppler after trying for about 15 solid minutes and I knew I needed to stop. I then laid there and only felt one REAL movement in 30 minutes, and even that movement was super light and not normal.

I just kept telling myself I was over reacting because yesterday was Saturday- 36 weeks- One week from my scheduled c-section date and that is the same date that Kenley died. A week from her c-section date. I calmed myself down enough to feel ok to go to his game. We went and he did so well. Then after the game they had an award ceremony. After that Shane had to leave to go to work, but my dad was there so he helped me with the kids and we drove back to my house. When we got there I told him that I was going to lay down and do a kick count and try to use my doppler one more time.

I laid there for 45 minutes and did not feel one kick and was unable to get her HB on the doppler. Done. I was done. I text Shane and said I was going to L&D and asked him to meet me there. I then left my dad with the kids (lol cue the nerves) and headed to OSU. I text my Doctor about what was going on, and told her I was headed in. She told me she was on call this weekend and that I was doing the right thing. When we got there the nurses told us that my MFM had called to alert them that I was coming in and told them our history ( thank you Dr. Frey. It is so difficult to repeat my history while I’m struggling with new anxieties each and every time….).

The sweet nurse told me to relax and asked all the standard questions which I really hated because I just needed to hear her heartbeat please and thank you. She started placing the monitor on my belly looking for Rowan, and after 3 tries I said “just fyi I don’t know how much of this I can take” to which she replied “I’m going to try 3 more spots then I will get the doctor and the ultrasound machine”. We couldn’t find her. I was in full on PTSD mode. This is exactly how we found out that Kenley had died.

She left the room, and came back a few minutes later with the doctor and an ultrasound machine. I am crying. Shane is holding my hand. I just KNEW they were going to tell me she was dead. I knew it. I felt so terrible and scared and I was reliving Kenley’s death ALL over again. It was AWFUL. Thankfully they literally touched the wand to my belly and we heard her HB almost immediately.

With Kenley, I had no reason to worry. I had no reason to ever suspect she was gone, so I just figured she had rolled weird and that we were just having a hard time finding her HB. Now, with Rowan, I have every reason to be worried and scared and I was absolutely positive that she was dead and I would hear those awful words again. But, thankfully, I didn’t.

The tried to hook her up on NST but the position she was in made it extremely hard. We would get her on tracing fine and then bam she would move ever so slightly and we’d lose her. We ended up getting her for 10-15 minutes and she was at 150 bpm, but wasn’t showing any accelerations. The nurse came in and said “I’m going to go get someone to do a BPP” and she took me off NST. We sat there for an hour waiting. Then, the doctor came in and pretty much told us that they had forgotten about us and that now they didn’t think we needed a BPP.

I don’t give a shit what you think we need, just make sure my daughter is alive please? Not a hard concept. I ended up texting my Doctor. She informed me that she was pissed they let me sit off the NST for so long and told them to hook me back up. To which I replied “Please take her while I know she’s alive”. We hooked back up to NST, but the same thing kept happening. She would be on for a few minutes then move and we couldn’t keep her on. Every strip was broken and I didn’t feel confident in what was happening at all. Once she finally got back on, she had zero accelerations again for a long period of time, so much so that the Nurse came in and pretty much told me that I’m the patient and I should say that I’m not leaving the hospital until this baby is born.

I text my doctor again. She said that she understood, and that now that we were tracing well she wanted to get a good solid 20 minutes on NST to see what happened. Low and behold Rowan must have woken up because she started going crazy kicking all over and accelerating like crazy. I think she had 7 in 10 minutes. My doctor called and I said I still wasn’t satisfied because she had been nonreactive for so long that I was super nervous. She asked if a BPP would make me feel better (NOPE) and I said not really, but it would help a little I’m sure after everything was said and done.

The BPP checked out well and she scored 10/10. I told the nurse I was not leaving the Hospital if she scored less than that, so I kind of wonder if I made her lie to me about it. I dunno.

At the end after the BPP, my doctor called one last time and told me that based on the NST and the BPP she didn’t feel comfortable and had no medical reason to deliver a preterm baby.  I understand what she means, but I know that if Rowan was born today she would be fine. In my head it feels like she would be safest outside of my body because my body already killed one of my babies and I CAN NOT lose another one.

So needless to say last night was terrible, and today I’ve been watching movement like a hawk. She was not moving as much this morning as I liked but I gave her an hour to prove me wrong and she ended up kicking like crazy so I feel “ok”. I don’t feel safe, or anything at all obviously, but I know that tomorrow I have an NST at the dr’s office and that if it’s slightly off AT ALL I will be heading to the hospital. I don’t care. I’ll camp out. I will stay until this baby is brought home alive.

I was doing so well, but it just goes to show you that any pregnancy after loss is a mind fuck sooooo hard.

6 days. I can do 6 days right? HA.

When I was pregnant with Alden after Kenley’s death, I never felt “pressure” about my pregnancy. I know that probably doesn’t make sense to most people but the mothers who have lost babies will understand it.

I thought in my head (very naively) that the universe had done me wrong enough by taking my perfect daughter that I was pretty much guaranteed to take Alden home. That awful awful thing couldn’t happen twice in two years to the same family right?? I mean looking back I know that I had and continue to have zero control over the “universe”, and while I say I didn’t feel pressure to keep her alive that’s probably false as well. Alden’s pregnancy was the most mentally taxing thing I think I’ve ever done.

I was just focused on getting her here alive. I felt we were monitored wonderfully, which we were, and I felt confident in her living. It was still very scary but it was different than this pregnancy.

This pregnancy, however, I feel something odd. And I really don’t know what else to call it except for “pressure”. Pressure to make sure that Rowan is born alive. Pressure to make sure I’m very conscious of her movements, pressure to remember her every pattern. Everyone’s excitement is overwhelming and I’m so thankful that she is so loved already and people can’t wait for her arrival, but shew.

I feel like the universe gave me my “freebie” and now I have to work for this one. My brain is overwhelmed constantly and I feel like I’m second guessing everything. Our care protocol is identical to that if Alden’s so I know I’m being monitored well, and I’m on lovenox again so I know that’s helping as well. I guess I don’t really know how to explain it.

Pressure is the best description I can come up with I think. I feel like if I were to lose another baby people would think I was unfit to be a mother (more than some of them probably already do…). I feel like I would hear “how did you not feel her moving-AGAIN”. Or similar things that you just know people are thinking and saying behind your back.

I need to get this baby here alive.

She has to survive.

11 days.

Rowans pregnancy has been pretty much routine aside from the fact that she’s a complete miracle. I do however have a fear that she will die, just like I had the fear with Alden, and just like Kenley did. I don’t care how many precautions we take, or how many NST’s I have, I will just always be fearful because of our past.

That being said I believe in my heart that we will bring her home alive. I trust my MFM and I am so ready for her to be here. I had an NST on Thursday which ultimately went well, but Rowan was just doing whatever she wanted to do….

I got there, hooked up to the monitors and immediately found her heartbeat. Then, within 5 minutes she rolled into some weird position and we couldn’t find her heartbeat for approximately 20 minutes. I felt her moving around a ton, and we would get a bunch or random heartbeats but nothing solid enough for her to pass the NST. My favorite nurse Cathy sat with me, constantly moving the monitor trying to find her heart rate and I know she could just see the fear in my eyes. She called the ultrasound tech down and had her scan to see how Rowan was laying. It turns out she was head down like always, but then flipped her spine up and at a weird angle. She was able to listen to her heart beat via ultrasound and we were able to see her moving around.

I don’t care if I could hear her heart beating or not, it stressed me the fuck out. PTSD. I mentioned it to the nurse and she asked why I was feeling that why. I told her that at the hospital this is how they couldn’t find Kenley’s heart beat– an NST. It was the first time I felt real fear during this pregnancy. I felt concern on 12/30 which prompted me to go to L&D to find out if she was moving ok.

I cannot tell you the stress and anxiety that comes with the last 2 weeks of a pregnancy after loss. Tomorrow, I’m 35 weeks pregnant. 35 WEEKS. again. I can’t believe that I’m here again. It’s a serious mind fuck honestly. All of these crazy preparations we did for Kenley, then again for Alden, we have done NOTHING for this baby except we have a dresser. I feel guilty honestly, but we don’t have a bedroom for her, so I mean I don’t know what were supposed to do. Ugh.

Tomorrow my Mother in Law is throwing me a “diaper party”.  I didn’t really want one, and I don’t really know how I feel about it honestly, but it is what it is…Having a baby shower for a baby after loss is weird anyway, and this is my second baby after my loss. I dunno. I obviously will appreciate everything we receive and I am grateful that she wasn’t to throw one for us, it’s just weird for me.

14 days to go.

Today was our final growth scan! Possibly our final ultrasound ever, honestly! We will probably have one at the hospital before the c-section, but this was the final big one. She of course didn’t cooperate at all, and we weren’t able to see her face. We did see everything else that we needed and she is now (34 weeks) measuring in the 83rd percentile at 5 lbs 15oz! I wanted to see her face so badly, but she’s just nestled in so tight that it was impossible.

She passed her NST as well. I love listening to her heart beat on the monitor. I could listen to it all day; as long as she’s moving its very relaxing to me. After everything was done, I met with my Dr for a little bit. There’s nothing to really talk about when we meet, so just a formality really. So we have 6 NSTs left; 21 days.  I can’t even believe it.

I ordered a few things for Rowan the other day. I bought her a onesie for the hospital, a hat that is adorable, and a blanket that has her name on it. I bought a newborn insert for the halo bassinet as well. Alden hated sleeping in it with nothing around her; I think it wasn’t “secure” enough for her. Too much wide open space and she wanted to be cuddled up.

I cannot believe there will be another baby in our home so soon. It really doesn’t even still feel real. I’ve been feeling really guilty about Kenley lately. Just the would have and should haves that I’m sure most mothers feel after their child dies. It’s like with each subsequent pregnancy I thought maybe it would feel different, but I was way wrong. It still feels like I’m leaving her behind.

Landon’s birthday party was this weekend. On Wednesday he will turn 7! I can’t believe it; how in the world can he be that old already? Ugh. The party went well and he seemed to have a great time. We rented a video game truck to come sit in our drive way for 2 hours so the kids could go inside and play a bunch of different video games. After everyone left, Landon’s cousin from Norwalk spent the night and drove home with my mom the next day. It was a great weekend.

On Friday, before Shane went to work, Rowan was moving all over like crazy. She was moving so much that it actually made me feel nauseous. I kind of felt scared because I’ve never had a baby move that much and as strongly as she was so I laid down for a few minutes and she sort of mellowed out. Well, the next morning was Saturday and I usually take a belly picture because that’s my “new week”. So, 33 weeks, and Rowan has dropped SO much. I’m not sure if it was from all the moving she was doing or what was going on but shooooo. So now I’m feeling tons of pressure in my lady bits, but I can breathe so much better. This has never happened in any of my pregnancies so I’m kinda freaked out. If you google it you can easily find that when a baby drops labor could happen soon, or it could be super far off still.

Mind is in overdrive about it obviously. I’m having a scheduled c-section so I do not want to go into labor, but I’m only 33 weeks…I don’t think I have anything to worry about but who knows.

Today I have an NST @ 2:45, and I’m planning to talk to the nurse about it. You know, cus anxiety overload is gonna happen any way we slice this…ugh.

Landon’s birthday was the last “milestone” before Rowan is born…I can’t e even believe it’s going to happen so soon.

25 days.

Today I had my third NST. Everything looked wonderful, and Rowan was very active once hooked up to monitoring…

Yeah. Once we hooked her up, I felt less crazy. Let’s start from the beginning…

As I’m driving to my appointment it hits me that I can’t remember when the last time I felt her move was. I thought hard about it and decided I felt her move this morning around 6:30 when Landon woke me up. I rolled over in bed and she started kicking- I’m pretty sure that’s the last big movement I felt from her that I could really be positive about.

Usually she will kick when I shower- I did that this morning and I can’t recall her kicks.

So I’m driving down the road completely zoning out about movement, poking her and begging her to move. Nothing. I wish I could say I believed things would be ok, and I didn’t spiral into crazy town in my head but that’s not the case at all. I turned the music up really really loudly, poked my belly, pushed my belly, drank my cold water, and still no movements.

Then, PTSD kicked in. I had all the thoughts and feelings of when Kenley died. I could just picture myself going to this NST thinking everything was fine only to be told it wasn’t. It would be the same thing- unable to find her heart on the monitor…ultrasound…the world comes crashing down around me.

I hustled to my appt, walked inside and checked in. As I was sitting there waiting I felt her kick. Then again, and a few more hard jabs.

I felt a little relief.

My favorite nurse came to grab me for the NST and I explained what was going on. She hooked me right up and we heard her heartbeat immediately. We watched as she had proper accelerations and eventually the nurse told me to lay back and relax. She was going to keep me on for about 10 more minutes.

I put my phone down, and laid there with my eyes closed, alone in the room with my baby girl. I listened to her heart beating away nice and strong. In those moments I realized (all over again? Had I been pushing these feelings down? Idk…) that I will NEVER be a normal mother again. Ever. No matter what. After what I have endured, nothing will be normal for me again.

As my nurse unhooked us and told me we sounded wonderful and passed with flying colors, she said something that I really needed to hear.

She said “Don’t ever hesitate to call us. Come in, we’ll hook you right up, and you can stay here all day if you need to. Or go to L&D and stay there as long as you need. After what you’ve been through it’s absolutely understandable.”

I’m glad she understands. But, it just goes to show you that the medical field is still a bit out of touch. I know she meant “what you’ve been through” = the death of Kenley, but it’s just like…Kenley is not something we went through. She IS my daughter. She is my every day, my every second, my reality. I’m not going to come out on the other side of her death as the phrase “what you’ve been through” suggests…I will always be in the thick of it.

So today was less than fun…