Well that was awful. (PTSD trigger warning)

Yesterday Landon had his last Basketball game, but before we went I noticed Rowan wasn’t moving very much. I woke Shane up and told him he had to scram out of the bedroom so I could lay down and do a kick count and use my doppler. I couldn’t find her HB with doppler after trying for about 15 solid minutes and I knew I needed to stop. I then laid there and only felt one REAL movement in 30 minutes, and even that movement was super light and not normal.

I just kept telling myself I was over reacting because yesterday was Saturday- 36 weeks- One week from my scheduled c-section date and that is the same date that Kenley died. A week from her c-section date. I calmed myself down enough to feel ok to go to his game. We went and he did so well. Then after the game they had an award ceremony. After that Shane had to leave to go to work, but my dad was there so he helped me with the kids and we drove back to my house. When we got there I told him that I was going to lay down and do a kick count and try to use my doppler one more time.

I laid there for 45 minutes and did not feel one kick and was unable to get her HB on the doppler. Done. I was done. I text Shane and said I was going to L&D and asked him to meet me there. I then left my dad with the kids (lol cue the nerves) and headed to OSU. I text my Doctor about what was going on, and told her I was headed in. She told me she was on call this weekend and that I was doing the right thing. When we got there the nurses told us that my MFM had called to alert them that I was coming in and told them our history ( thank you Dr. Frey. It is so difficult to repeat my history while I’m struggling with new anxieties each and every time….).

The sweet nurse told me to relax and asked all the standard questions which I really hated because I just needed to hear her heartbeat please and thank you. She started placing the monitor on my belly looking for Rowan, and after 3 tries I said “just fyi I don’t know how much of this I can take” to which she replied “I’m going to try 3 more spots then I will get the doctor and the ultrasound machine”. We couldn’t find her. I was in full on PTSD mode. This is exactly how we found out that Kenley had died.

She left the room, and came back a few minutes later with the doctor and an ultrasound machine. I am crying. Shane is holding my hand. I just KNEW they were going to tell me she was dead. I knew it. I felt so terrible and scared and I was reliving Kenley’s death ALL over again. It was AWFUL. Thankfully they literally touched the wand to my belly and we heard her HB almost immediately.

With Kenley, I had no reason to worry. I had no reason to ever suspect she was gone, so I just figured she had rolled weird and that we were just having a hard time finding her HB. Now, with Rowan, I have every reason to be worried and scared and I was absolutely positive that she was dead and I would hear those awful words again. But, thankfully, I didn’t.

The tried to hook her up on NST but the position she was in made it extremely hard. We would get her on tracing fine and then bam she would move ever so slightly and we’d lose her. We ended up getting her for 10-15 minutes and she was at 150 bpm, but wasn’t showing any accelerations. The nurse came in and said “I’m going to go get someone to do a BPP” and she took me off NST. We sat there for an hour waiting. Then, the doctor came in and pretty much told us that they had forgotten about us and that now they didn’t think we needed a BPP.

I don’t give a shit what you think we need, just make sure my daughter is alive please? Not a hard concept. I ended up texting my Doctor. She informed me that she was pissed they let me sit off the NST for so long and told them to hook me back up. To which I replied “Please take her while I know she’s alive”. We hooked back up to NST, but the same thing kept happening. She would be on for a few minutes then move and we couldn’t keep her on. Every strip was broken and I didn’t feel confident in what was happening at all. Once she finally got back on, she had zero accelerations again for a long period of time, so much so that the Nurse came in and pretty much told me that I’m the patient and I should say that I’m not leaving the hospital until this baby is born.

I text my doctor again. She said that she understood, and that now that we were tracing well she wanted to get a good solid 20 minutes on NST to see what happened. Low and behold Rowan must have woken up because she started going crazy kicking all over and accelerating like crazy. I think she had 7 in 10 minutes. My doctor called and I said I still wasn’t satisfied because she had been nonreactive for so long that I was super nervous. She asked if a BPP would make me feel better (NOPE) and I said not really, but it would help a little I’m sure after everything was said and done.

The BPP checked out well and she scored 10/10. I told the nurse I was not leaving the Hospital if she scored less than that, so I kind of wonder if I made her lie to me about it. I dunno.

At the end after the BPP, my doctor called one last time and told me that based on the NST and the BPP she didn’t feel comfortable and had no medical reason to deliver a preterm baby.  I understand what she means, but I know that if Rowan was born today she would be fine. In my head it feels like she would be safest outside of my body because my body already killed one of my babies and I CAN NOT lose another one.

So needless to say last night was terrible, and today I’ve been watching movement like a hawk. She was not moving as much this morning as I liked but I gave her an hour to prove me wrong and she ended up kicking like crazy so I feel “ok”. I don’t feel safe, or anything at all obviously, but I know that tomorrow I have an NST at the dr’s office and that if it’s slightly off AT ALL I will be heading to the hospital. I don’t care. I’ll camp out. I will stay until this baby is brought home alive.

I was doing so well, but it just goes to show you that any pregnancy after loss is a mind fuck sooooo hard.

6 days. I can do 6 days right? HA.

8 thoughts on “Well that was awful. (PTSD trigger warning)

  1. Ugh, that was terrifying and I’m so sorry you had to go through that with those nurses. Big hugs and you will get through this last week. ❤️❤️ Sending you all the good vibes and mojo and everything!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to this sooooo much!!! Pregnancy after loss is just one massive anxiety ride!! The countdown was unbearable and every day whilst pregnant with iola, all I could do was lie on the bed and count kicks. I ended up having daily CTG’s for the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy just to try and mentally get myself through it. And on more than one occasion, I would go in for my regular 8am appointment only to be back there mid afternoon with a panic attack and then in again that evening because I’d convinced myself that something was wrong, which of course it wasn’t. But when we have already been to hell, it doesn’t take much for our mind’s to put us back there . . .

    You are doing AMAZINGLY!!! Just keep going, keep breathing through the anxiety and keep strong! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Sending you love. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

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