I’ve been neglecting this space. I couldn’t figure out why, but when I really thought about it, it boiled down to me not having the desire to reach into my grief anymore. I’ve been neglecting my grief, too. After such a long time it just feels so hard to reach into my past that intensely. It makes me sad. It makes me angry, and it makes me feel cheated.

I’ve been shoving my grief down, not because I want to, but strictly because I have no other choice. I have to live with it, and I have to function for my living children. Christmas is coming up…Halloween has past and Thanksgiving will be here shortly. This year things feel softer? I don’t know how to explain it other than that. The sharpness isn’t there for some things, and for others they seem to be less sharp and triggering. There are tons of triggers still…for example I was at the grocery store and of course there is christmas music playing. It just seemed to be so loud, and I felt physically ill.  Christmas was everywhere; cookie boxes, banners, advertisements. I hate it.

Please tell me why you have wrapping paper in the food section?! NOT. NEEDED.

Now, I understand that for 97% of the world Christmas wrapping paper in the food section wouldn’t hurt, but it made me dizzy. It’s dumb. I don’t WANT to be triggered by these things. I used to love Christmas. I mean like OBSESSED. I will never understand why Kenley had to die, and why it had to be 4 days after Christmas.

This post is really just a stream of consciousness… I’m sad. I’m always sad. I hate that I can’t feel 100% happy for my kids. Like, happiness is constantly shadowed and it’s sad.

I hope that I can do a good enough job of faking it for them that they won’t ever know how sad I truly am.

What a pathetic sentence.

Welcome to loss mom life, amiright?