I feel as if I have no time to breathe let alone have some moments of grief with Kenley. I’m not saying that I want to sit down and cry all the time, or that I’m only sad when I think about her; honestly it’s the opposite a lot of the time lately. I just don’t have the time to feel much of anything, which equates to me feeling nothing and having zero emotion about her situation, which I don’t like. Let me explain because I think that sounds like I’m a shriveled up shell of a person which in theory is kind of true, but I do actually feel things, but lately I just CAN’T.  This is a tiny run down of how my day goes (every day).

6 am Rowan wakes up gets a diaper change. We lay in bed and cuddle until 6:45-7:00

7am Head upstairs, feed her a bottle, get Landon ready for school, feed him breakfast

7:30 am Alden wakes up, gets a diaper change. Feed her breakfast. Feed Rowan baby food

8:15 am Start the van then gather everything to take Landon to school

8:20 am Take the girls (one at a time) to the van, get them strapped up and ready to go

8:25 am Yell at Landon to get in the car so we can go

8:40 am Drop Landon off at school and head home

8:55 am Arrive back at In-laws and unload the girls which is proving more difficult as rowan is in an upright seat now

9:00 am Everyones inside and we watch cartoons and have snacks. 90% of the time, someone (usually both the girls) poops during this time.

10:00 am Rowan naps (hopefully until 11-11:30)

11- 11:30 am Rowan wakes up, diaper changes

12:00 Lunch time for both girls

12:30 girls both fed and watch cartoons/play

1:00 pm Alden Naps, and most likely Rowan naps again too

2:30-3:30 someone wakes up. poops again

3:30 pm Alden wakes up from her nap usually. Diaper change

Here’s where it gets fun…sometimes I have to wake the girls up to take them to get Landon from school which includes loading them back into the car, and then unloading them into the double stroller, going inside his school, then back out into the car, then back home, then back inside… Tired yet?

4-5:30 Rowan gets a bottle at 3:30-4. play time/cartoons whatever will keep them from crying

5:30 pm dinner time

6:00 pm do anything to keep them from screaming their faces off because they’re getting tired.

6:30 pm Bath time (like every other day because it’s impossible to bathe them both by myself…)

7:00 Rowan goes to bed with a bottle, and then Alden goes to bed with two books

Ok, I’m tired just reading that, but it also doesn’t include anything that I do like if I can squeeze in a load of laundry, or wash my Mother in laws dishes. I’m just tired. I have no time to pee alone let alone anything else. I just need a day. I need a day to appreciate Kenley, and think about her, and love her more than I get to on a regular basis. Her birthday is coming up in like a month and a half and I can’t believe that she should be three years old. It makes my heart hurt. I look at Alden who will be two and I think about Kenley being here and being older than her and I just don’t even know what life would look like. I know that the girls, Alden and Rowan wouldn’t be here more than likely. Well, at least Alden because we wouldn’t have done IVF.

I’m looking forward to completing Kenley’s care packages this year because it gives me the time I am so desperately craving with my girl. I’m still collecting donations for her packages if you feel so inclined. There are a lot of items left that need donating and I’m scared I won’t make the goal this year. I have a lot going on, and honestly I shouldn’t have taken on the project again this year but I need it.

I NEED IT.

I need to do it to make me feel close to her. I feel so far away, and this is her season…Halloween until Easter makes me want to die. I hate the way I feel. I HATE it. I can remember every single detail of my life, yet it’s all a blur…

How is this my life. How?

I’ve been really needing to write, but I just don’t have the time. We sold our house, and we moved our entire life into my in-laws house. It’s an adjustment to say the least but we have only been here for a week so far, and things are going very well. My in-laws are amazing people, and they have been so wonderful (at least I think they are…lol). My children are chaos, and Shane works all the time so it’s just me, and the 3 crazies here a lot. It makes me wonder if they’re stressing out having us here more than they’re letting on.

I know it’s weird for a family of 5 to move in to your home when you’ve been empty nesters for about 15 years…I couldn’t ask for nicer people though. Shane and I have the basement bedroom and Rowan sleeps with us in there. Landon sleeps in the finished living room space, and Alden sleeps in Shane’s old bedroom upstairs across the hall from the in-laws.

I feel awful because their house is sort of a disaster right now, but I’m trying to organize when I can. The girls don’t like to be alone in the living room (it’s not an open concept house) so I pretty much can’t leave their sight without them screaming bloody murder. So that leaves about zero time to do anything else. Including laundry…which is in the basement…

Balancing my life here, Shane working, Landon going to and from school (we have to drive him…) The girls having doctors appointments, any appointments that I have, AND all the meetings for building our house has been A LOT to handle. I’m tired. SO tired. Rowan likes to wake up A LOT during the middle of the night and I don’t know how to stop her from crying and waking up the in laws except to hop right up immediately with her so she stops.

I also have developed this weird rash that Alden’s pediatrician (yup- I asked my daughters pedi about MY rash lol. I’m that person) told me today looks to be a virus presenting as a rash. SO THAT’S FUN. I’ve had a sore throat for a while, and then bam this rash comes out of nowhere. I just want to be healthy, and not have to worry about this stuff on top of everything else. But, of course it would happen, right? I mean cus why not.

We finalized our home plans, and we are moving forward with building. It’s been kind of a nightmare and a breeze all at the same time. Of course interest rates are skyrocketing right now when we want to build because once again why not! Nothing is ever easy for us, so we’ve run into a few issues with that but we’re working it out. No one wants to be house poor you know? I still want to be able to have a life.

So the run down is:

I’m tired.

I need a vacation.

We need to win the lotto.

My body hates me.

And Rowan is crawling.

So much more I want to write but Rowans growling in her crib and I think that means she’s hungry…….