screw you, PBS.

We are in the process of showing our house because it’s listed for sale. I originally wanted to have 24 hr notice for showings, but somehow it didn’t end up happening…so, it is what it is. Today, I had received a request @ 9:30 for a showing from 1-2PM. Ugh. Shane and I cleaned up the house. We’re currently living in what feels like a staged home; Minimal toys. Minimal anything, really… and it’s incredibly hard to keep it clean with a toddler running around.

I think she must be able to tell when we need the house clean because thats when she likes to destroy things the most. She is IN LOVE with my pan cabinet, which in all honesty isn’t too bad with the exception that she will more than likely drop them on her toes at one point and either break one, or crack a toe nail or something. But, anyway, she carries them through the house and I will be cleaning up getting ready for a showing and come across a sauce pan in her bedroom closet, or the bathroom, or some other random place.

Current situation? Two lids in my living room floor.

ANYWAY. Not the point of this post. All this to say that we leave our home during the showings, and then we usually end up at my mother in laws for the duration. Today I was looking on demand to find something fun for Alden to watch while she ate her lunch, and I came across PBS. When I saw it, something in my stomach just felt off. I didn’t think too hard about it but clicked on their little section for shows anyway. When I came across Peg+Cat I felt it again.

The other day it happened to me too. I was scrolling through the guide and came cross PBS so I changed it to the channel. Thought it would offer some variety for Alden because I swear to god all she watches is Little Einsteins. Well, when I turned it on, it was a commercial for Nature Cat. Cue weird feeling in my stomach.

So today I clicked on peg+cat and was waiting for it to start when all of a sudden I sort of remembered why I was feeling that way. I canceled the on demand episode and hoped to god it would cancel before it actually started playing.

2015.

The series peg+cat came out in 2015.

I baby sat my friends kid and we watched a lot of PBS in the mornings.

I watched him while I was pregnant with Kenley.

It makes me physically ill to watch it, or hear it because of the reminders. I just cannot believe that I had forgotten that. It’s so weird how it still just makes you feel like shit no matter how long it has been. The triggers are still there; they will always be here, I’m sure of it. Things are different these days…the grief is less sharp? I feel like after Kenley died I was this freshly sharpened pencil; I was sharp and new to this situation. But, as my grief changed and life went on I was worn down, and the sharp edge was taken off… but at the same time I would be “resharpened” from time to time. In certain moments, the grief is just as sharp as before, and I know that it will always feel that way. There are things that will “resharpen” my grief for the rest of my life.

There are things that will trigger me forever. There are things that will cause so much sadness in my heart for the rest of my life. There are things that I can’t think about, to this day, without breaking down into a sobbing mess. This is my life. This is what (almost) 31 months out from the death of my child looks and feels like.

31 months…how…

942 days.

2 years, 6 months and 29 days…

The depth of my grief will not change, it’s just that my life doesn’t stop to allow me to be present in that grief most days.

 

4sale.

I literally do not feel like I have time to think about anything without my brain being clouded with 50,000 other thoughts. It’s insane. There is so much going on in our lives and while most of it is amazing, it does come with stress and emotional guilt.

We have officially listed our home for sale. The only home that any of my children have ever known. Landon was 4 months old when we moved here– Rowan’s age! He is not a bright and vibrant 7 year old boy. Kenley grew inside of me here…The embryo that is now Alden implanted here, and Rowan surprisingly came into our lives here. I have some guilt about leaving the only home that Kenley ever knew. I think the decision to move from the only home that your dead baby has ever known is so personal…some people say it feels freeing for them to leave, and some people say that they feel guilt.

I think that eventually I will feel ok with the choice, but right now it just brings me to tears randomly. I had so many plans for our lives here. We were going to have 2 kids, and this house would be perfect for that. The space here would accommodate us, but, alas life isn’t always what you expect it to be…now we have 3 living children and one who will never be here to take up space and cause commotion.

Yesterday we had the realtor team in to take photos of our home. It took 2 hours! I can’t wait to see them on our listing though. I’ve put a ton of work into this home, Shane has busted his ass working on things to make the outside of the home look beautiful, and he has busted his ass even harder working his job to make sure we can afford this home and that I can stay home with the kids.

We haven’t been able to find anything we are interested in buying, but we are actively looking for homes and for land. We would love to build. Things just need to constantly be Β busy all the time, apparently. I guess I like to torture myself. Thinking about doing showings of this house with 3 kids, and Shane at work during the day time stresses me out to no end! Our goal is to have showings all next week after it gets listed, and do an open house on Saturday and Sunday. We will see what happens.

Life is weird, and this post is sort of just a jumbled mess of thoughts because I needed to write them down.