I literally do not feel like I have time to think about anything without my brain being clouded with 50,000 other thoughts. It’s insane. There is so much going on in our lives and while most of it is amazing, it does come with stress and emotional guilt.

We have officially listed our home for sale. The only home that any of my children have ever known. Landon was 4 months old when we moved here– Rowan’s age! He is not a bright and vibrant 7 year old boy. Kenley grew inside of me here…The embryo that is now Alden implanted here, and Rowan surprisingly came into our lives here. I have some guilt about leaving the only home that Kenley ever knew. I think the decision to move from the only home that your dead baby has ever known is so personal…some people say it feels freeing for them to leave, and some people say that they feel guilt.

I think that eventually I will feel ok with the choice, but right now it just brings me to tears randomly. I had so many plans for our lives here. We were going to have 2 kids, and this house would be perfect for that. The space here would accommodate us, but, alas life isn’t always what you expect it to be…now we have 3 living children and one who will never be here to take up space and cause commotion.

Yesterday we had the realtor team in to take photos of our home. It took 2 hours! I can’t wait to see them on our listing though. I’ve put a ton of work into this home, Shane has busted his ass working on things to make the outside of the home look beautiful, and he has busted his ass even harder working his job to make sure we can afford this home and that I can stay home with the kids.

We haven’t been able to find anything we are interested in buying, but we are actively looking for homes and for land. We would love to build. Things just need to constantly be  busy all the time, apparently. I guess I like to torture myself. Thinking about doing showings of this house with 3 kids, and Shane at work during the day time stresses me out to no end! Our goal is to have showings all next week after it gets listed, and do an open house on Saturday and Sunday. We will see what happens.

Life is weird, and this post is sort of just a jumbled mess of thoughts because I needed to write them down.

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