snow.

December 2015 was hot. Like balmy even. 72-75 degrees when I went to the hospital the night we found out we lost Kenley. I was wearing flip flops. We got the best parking spot and walked in all smug because I told myself I wasn’t leaving u till the let me have my baby; She was ready to join us in the world.

December 2016 was cold. December 2017 was even colder– like super cold. Negative temps even! I’m so thankful that each December has been colder and colder. I always fear that it’s going to resemble the worst December of my life and that the temperature might make it harder to handle her birthday. This year we had snow…a lot of snow.

I’m thankful for the stark contrast from the December I lost part of my heart, to the December I’ve known the last two years. I mean December is always going to be December, and nothing will change that but the way it physically feels on my skin helps with the PTSD.

Speaking of PTSD…I went to L&D on 12/30 at like 10:30 p.m. because I had noticed decreased movement. She was of course fine, and I of course had the oldest grumpiest nurse on the floor. When the OB on call came in to talk to me I felt better. She was so kind and easy to talk to. She reassured me that any time I feel like I need to be there, for any reason, that I should just come up. There is no reason NOT to. She said it is never an inconvenience and with our history that she absolutely understands if I want to be there every 30 minutes.

Then, when she could tell I was upset still, she offered to grab the ultrasound machine and we took a look at Rowan. Her tiny little heart beating away in her tiny little chest. Safe and sound. Yet, it offered little reassurance that anything will turn out ok. Kenley was fine at our 36+5 growth scan. She had a strong heartbeat the day before she died. I have it recorded on my phone …

I don’t know. I want to believe everything will be fine, and I have hope that it will be, but it’s always there…that gigantic black cloud. Death. Demise of a perfectly healthy child inside of my body. It’s enough to seriously send you over the edge, no joke.

Some days I don’t know how I’ve made it this far since losing her…

3/3.

We have an official csection date: Saturday 3.3.18 @ 9:30 a.m. My MFM is amazing and offered to come in on a Saturday morning to make it happen. She knows how stressed I am, and how 37 weeks is my max. My math had been wrong and the whole time I’m thinking 3/2 was 37 weeks but it’s actually 3/3. I can handle that I think. One extra day.

We talked about it at my appointment on Thursday, and she said she sees no reason it wouldn’t be safe to go to Monday 3/5, and I just about cried. I said I couldn’t do that. The idiotic obgyn office who cared for me during Kenley’s pregnancy refused to take her at 38 weeks, which is pretty normal honestly, and she died at 38+4. She could have been born before things went wrong, but they refused. I will always hold a grudge for that reason, plus about 100 more.

Anyway, she agreed and knows what I need for my sanity. We will be at the hospital at 7 a.m. And go from there. I am so thankful to have a set in stone date to look forward to. Hopefully it helps keep my anxiety under control. We also scheduled the rest of my appointments, including NSTs.

Starting January 25th I will have NSTs 2x a week (Monday and Thursday). Along with 2 more growth ultrasounds and 4 more doctor visits before she is born.

Currently, they’re weighing Rowan at 4lbs 5oz (I was 29+5) and with Alden at 31+4 they had her weighing at 4lbs 9oz. Apparently I’m gonna have another chubby baby!

As long as she gets here alive, she can weigh whatever the hell she wants.

as needed.

A little bit before Christmas I had a mother reach out to me asking how she goes about requesting a care package. I have never done an “as needed” type of care pack but you better believe my heart was all kinds of happy to make this sweet lady one. She had lost her baby girl to SIDS at 4 months in July.

I’ve been putting it together slowly because I had to order certain things I didn’t have a surplus of after my donation. Also, I changed it up a little because my normal donations are geared toward parents fresh off a loss in the hospital; tissues, books to read to baby etc…but, I think I did well with it. The final piece came in today so I will be sending it tomorrow hopefully! I hope this sweet woman finds comfort in this care package. It was made with love, that’s for dang sure.

Which leads me to wonder if this is something I should try to do…should I try to offer them on an as needed basis IN ADDITION to my yearly donations on her birthday? It would require a gofundme open all year round probably, and also would be a lot of work (potentially). I know I would enjoy it very very much. I love giving back, and helping others.

I feel like if I could just get a stock of like 10 of each thing to keep here at all times I would be doing well to start. I don’t know. Just things I’m thinking about.

I also think I’m going to write up a post some day in the future about accepting donations for hand made items- blankets, hats, small preemie wraps etc all year round. I would love to only have hand made items donated next year (I think it feels more personal, just me?).

Apparently I need a bigger house with a room all to myself in order to carry out these lofty goals.

Anyone have any opinions? I’d love to hear them! What do you think?

.com

I pulled the trigger and paid for my blog! Yes, *gasp* and it was money well spent I do believe! I love being able to customize things, and honestly when I started this blog I just threw it together quickly because I needed somewhere to vent. I hope it’s easy to navigate; I haven’t really changed much just the cosmetics of it all.

I’m planning to update the content sometime soon. There are some things that I have in the works with Kenely’s hospital and I hope to hear some news on that front soon. I’ve also decided that I’m going to keep Kenley’s care packs open for donations all year round. If I’m going to be able to make my quota on all handmade blankets/hats I think that it would be best to gather them throughout the year. I also think that there are people would donate multiple times throughout the year if it were a possibility.

I really hope that this year goes as well as last year regarding donations. I was blown away by everyone’s generosity! I’m hoping the care packages are well received, I mean I know they will be a great source of comfort, but I dunno….I guess I don’t know what I mean.

I can’t wait to see what this year brings in memory of her. It’s all for you, sweet girl. I love and miss you so much.

2018 randoms so far

I feel like these past 5 days have been so busy. I literally haven’t done anything to make me feel that way, so I’m not sure why I do. I think it has something to do with all the things racing through my head about what I want to do/need to do.

Next Tuesday we scheduled a 3d/4d ultrasound. We’ve done them with all our children and I cannot wait to see how similar they all look.

Next Thursday we have a MFM appointment with a growth ultrasound. Seeing her two times in one week is going to be pretty cool. We are also going to schedule our c-section date! I’m pretty nervous about this, but I need a date to look forward to, and March 2nd needs to be that date.

Then, the following Tuesday I am getting my hair colored THANK GOD because I look like a homeless person I swear.

I’m supposed to have physical therapy on Monday evening for my back because my body hates me and I can seriously not bend over without being in pain, which causes me even more pain and frustration. I am so ready to bend over and pick up my child with out a burning pain up my back and down my legs.

We’re still waiting for a contractor to get back to us on an estimate to add-on to our home and I am starting to get a little peeved about it because he said 4 days and that was on December 18th…so…

I’ve got my eye on a dress for our baby girl, Rowan, and I just need to pull the trigger on purchasing it. We currently don’t have a bedroom for her so the dresser will be in our bedroom, along with our dresser, and our bed, and her halo bassinest. I’m not sure how much stuff we can cram into our bedroom but we’re gonna find out!

We need to take our christmas tree down but it’s been like the freakin arctic lately so we are going to wait until it’s a little less chilly. Shane has to drag it clear out the back door to the burn pile so maybe when it’s not -16 degrees and  4 inches of snow….My house is a disaster, and I really need my body to work and function so that I can get some sort of organization going before the baby comes.

Landon has basketball games every Saturday until March! I think that is going to make the time pass quickly too. He will have practice every Wednesday after school until 5:30, as well. I just cannot believe how quickly life is going, and the things that are coming up, AGAIN.

Landon’s birthday Feb 7th

Rowan’s safe arrival (hopefully) March 2nd

Alden’s first birthday March 15th

Me officially going insane?

April.

Send help, frozen meals, a maid….and wine.