those people.

When we found out we had fertility issues I was devastated to say the least. I was thrown into this world where I knew nothing and was supposed to emerge on the other side with a healthy baby. Navigating infertility was awful and lonely; it was the scariest thing we had to deal with as a couple up until we lost Kenley.

Many fertility treatments later I began to realize that I needed to see someone who know what the fuck they were doing and not a NP who was playing doctor. I will never forgive my previous physician for not sending me to a RE, ever, and for me pretty much having to advocate for myself and request to be seen by myself. Which…is funny because my NP suffered from infertility and had to do IVF a bunch of times…but that’s whatever. It is what it is.

When I started seeing my RE it was just night and day difference. This is when I began to research my diagnosis and found things to help me along my journey. I found that certain meds would be better for us vs lower doses etc. Ultimately, I think my RE was annoyed by me. I think he didn’t really like that I googled the shit out of everything and spoke to other women who had gone through treatment and had gotten their opinions on my diagnosis.

After 4 or 5 failed cycles, I convinced him to allow me to use injectable medicine along with an IUI (intrauterine insemination). I responded well, the IUI went well, and I ended up pregnant with Kenley. I fought so hard for her…she was worth every stab, poke, and transvaginal ultrasound.

When we lost her and I found out that my diagnosis was even worse now, I freaked out. We were told by the OB to wait s year to try again, and my RE suggested a year and a half (nope). I did my research and decided that I wanted to see a maternal fetal medicine doctor. I made an appointment at OSU MFM and they ended up clearing me to try on the spot. They said based on my infertility diagnosis it was worth it to start now; my csection scar was healed and would only keep healing.

This is when we started IVF for Alden. I’ll never forget meeting with my RE after Kenley died, and just seeing the look on his face. I will also never forget him saying these exact words to me: ” Randi, if I’m being honest here, I think you should take the money you have for IVF and put it into an account to send your son to college”. He thought we didn’t stand a chance. He thought it wouldn’t work.

With each appointment I proved him wrong. My body rallied and we ended up with 7 eggs which is a big deal for my diagnosis. 3 of those 7 were genetically normal after testing. We had 1 girl, and 2 boys. Alden was transferred into my body, and was born 37 weeks later.

We have 2 male embryos frozen.

Then, the thing that everyone with infertility wishes for happened to us.We became pregnant naturally.

I cannot explain how this made me feel. I’m not even going to try because it’s a whole huge cluster fuck of emotions and honestly there are VERY few people who would be able to understand or read it without judging me in some way, shape or form.

So we are those people. The ones who paid $23,000 out of pocket for IVF and then BAM get pregnant. We’re the people who adopt then BAM the wife is pregnant with twins! We’re the people who “stop trying” then BAM!

I don’t want to be those people, because that’s not my story. Like…it is…but it’s SOOO much more than that. I don’t want to be the couple that my sisters friends brothers wife talks about to her friend who’s struggling- ” I know this couple who did IVF and then got pregnant naturally when their daughter was 3 months old”!

I don’t want to be those people. That’s not who I am. I am a mother who suffered infertility for YEARS, who lost her daughter that was conceived after multiple failed cycles, who insisted on IVF even though it meant taking out a home equity loan on her home.

I feel like just being the person who got pregnant naturally when her daughter was 3 months old sells my story short.

I guess I shouldn’t give a shit, because I know the truth. The people who matter know the truth (even though some of them seem to forget the struggle we’ve had…).But I will always care because I feel like being “those people” discounts Kenley’s existence and our struggle. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just feeling everything all at once, again. It seems to be something I do a lot of lately.

I don’t want to be those people.

I want us to be Landon, Kenley, Alden and Rowan’s parents. That’s all.

And I really fucking wish that we could parent them all on earth with each other.

2 thoughts on “those people.

  1. You are not one of “those people” to me! You are an amazing mama with a beautiful heart who has endured quite a lot of undeserved heartache. Your persistence and the battles you have fought are a central part of who you are – though I wish they didn’t have to be.

    Liked by 2 people

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