We found out today that our heat pump is shot…We had an HVAC company come out only to find out that it would cost every bit of $6,000 to replace it. I just started crying. We don’t have that kind of money laying around. If anyone want’s to give me six grand, just lemme know. Ugh. So we will be dealing with that tomorrow.

Tomorrow we have our first MFM appt with the doctor who delivered Alden. We will have an ultrasound first, then have our meeting with her. We will discuss our plan for this pregnancy. I’m going to insist that everything be identical to Alden’s pregnancy because well…she’s here, safe and alive…

We will be having our NIPT done. In about a week we will know if the baby has any genetic abnormalities, and we will also know the sex. It still doesn’t feel real, but maybe tomorrow meeting with the doctor will help it sink it? I’m not sure. Still in shock I suppose.

I’ve been having a really hard time with Kenley’s death lately. I miss her so much; it feels like more than normal? It’s so close to 2 years since she died, and it seems impossible. I don’t know how to explain it. It just feels like a really bad dream that I cannot wake up from; A terrible nightmare.

Alden has been sitting up (well, trying to) and it’s so cute. She’s been really enjoying new toys, and exploring new things. She rolls onto her stomach, and has even started putting her knees up under her acting like she wants to crawl. It’s insane. She needs to stop growing up! I can’t believe that she is almost 6 months old. Life is going too fast.

Still plugging along on Kenley’s second birthday project. I’m doing well with it, but ugh…I need so much more. If you’re reading this and you’ve meant to donate, consider this your gentle nudge 🙂

I’m trying to get everything together, and I feel like everything is just overwhelming me.

One day at a time, right?

Tomorrow will be 20 months that Kenley has been gone.

Tomorrow is a Tuesday; the day she was born.

The 29th.

10:32 pm.

7lbs 5oz.

20 inches long.

Silence.

The loudest sound I’ve ever heard.

I will never understand why she wasn’t allowed to stay here with us. It is incredibly unfair.

Life, is incredibly unfair.

Life gives zero fucks about what you want.

Life just keeps happening; it doesn’t matter how tired or sad or lonely or depressed I am.

Life just gives me the finger and keeps on moving.

Somedays, I’m just done.

Sometimes, it all feels way too heavy to carry anymore.

*all kinds of trigger warnings*

Continue reading →

As I reached for the toothpaste while showering today, the two bottles caught my eye – travel size shampoo and conditioner. They’ve been staring at me for nearly 2 years, and I have yet to take them out of my shower caddy. They are long empty, and I haven’t touched them since I used the last of both in an attempt to keep my hair smelling the way it did when I last held my sweet Kenley.

I stare at them every time I take a shower.

I can’t toss them out.

I often wonder if Shane thinks I’m insane for not touching them; for leaving them in the exact same place as they have been for so long. Part of me thinks he knows it would break my heart if he threw them away so he doesn’t touch them, but another part of me wonders if he’s even noticed them lying there. I can’t say I’d blame him for either, honestly.

The bottles are the ones I packed in my hospital bag to take when Kenley was born. Travel size shampoo and conditioner that I don’t use on a regular basis, strictly for the hospital. Only enough for a few washes. I remember the shower I took the night after I had her.

Shane had to undress me, and help me wash my body.

I brushed my teeth through tears.

I cried more.

I cried from my soul. A sound I will never ever forget.

He cried.

He washed my hair.

He dried me off and helped me get dressed again.

He walked me to the bed where our daughter was laying in her bassinet – forever asleep.

The smell of the shampoo and conditioner, like watermelon I remember Shane saying, still hits me like a ton of bricks if I’m around someone who has used it. If I see it in the store, I look away. Those bottles are going to stay in my shower caddy until who knows when.

It’s just one of those things…if you’ve lost a child I’m sure you have one. Maybe you can’t listen to a certain song, or you are superstitious about doing something that you did on the day your baby died.

It can be anything.

It can be big. It can be small.

It can even be shampoo.

We are currently transitioning Alden to her crib.

To say I am tired is a huge understatement. I knew it would be rough, but maybe I forgot how rough it would actually be? She pretty much doesn’t sleep ever…. for example, see this text that I sent to myself last night every time I woke up with her:

Her room is right next to Landon’s so I don’t really want to let her scream and cry because he has school in the mornings. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but truth of the matter is this sucks. I’m exhausted and she’s exhausted. We both don’t get a good nights sleep so we’re both struggling the whole next day.

I even googled “sleep doctor for babies” last night at 4 am. Yes, I will pay you $600 to come to my house and help this kid sleep cus I’m losing my mind.

Just kidding. Kind of.

It’s been a week as of tonight, so here’s hoping she starts to feel more comfortable in there.

Why yes, those are awful bags/black circles under my eyes. Thanks for noticing! I love this little girl more than I ever imagined possible. Even while she screams in my face my heart bursts with love. I’m so thankful to have had the chance to make her; to choose her specifically. I love you Alden. You’re growing up so fast. Stop!

Tonight we went to Landon’s 1st grade open house. I cannot believe that he is going to start first grade tomorrow. I remember the grief I felt last year as he started KG. I felt so upset because Kenley wasn’t there to walk through his classroom with us, she wasn’t there to see her big brother go to school. It was a very rough time for me, and I find myself feeling similar things this year. It’s just not fair. I think that I could say that until I had no more breath in my lungs, and it wouldn’t be enough.

Alden loved being in Landon’s classroom today. Tons of colors, beach theme, the teacher tied balloons on each child’s chair with their name written on them. (Later, when we got home, Landon said “Maybe I will send this balloon up to Kenley to let her know I’m thinking of her”….My momma heart exploded…) Some kids were in his class that were in his class last year so I think that helped. He is nervous. He keeps saying he has a belly ache, and I reassure him that he is going to do amazing.

I packed his lunch tonight, and made sure I wrote him a note telling him to have a great day. I’m going to miss him while he’s gone. I can’t believe it’s the start of school again…time is flying.

•••

We’re trying to transition Alden to her crib. That seems like a pretty innocent statement right? Wrong. SO many emotions surrounding it. I’m scared she will stop breathing in her crib and I will never know. I’m scared she will fall out of her crib (obviously impossible…), I’m scared. I don’t want my baby to die; I don’t want another baby to die. Hearing her cry at night while she falls asleep is just heart breaking. I don’t WANT to let her cry, I don’t want to hear her scream because she want’s me to go in there and pick her up. I look at her, and I never want to put her down. I know that those things are impossible if I ever want to sleep through the night, but my heart just hurts. I went in to calm her down tonight, and sang to her. Immediate smile. My heart exploded, and I just wanted to pick her up and hold her so tight.

Hearing her little cries from outside the room just broke my heart. I wanted to hear Kenley’s little cries from that room…it’s so weird.

Last night, she went to bed at 7 pm. It took her 21 minutes to fall asleep (I went in periodically to calm her down). She woke up a lot. She was up at 9:45, 12:21, 1:52, 4:02, and up for the day at 6:30. We will see what happens tonight….

•••

I need to clean out Landon and Alden’s closets. They both have so many clothes and they’ve both outgrown them all. I swear our house is busting at the seams and it’s only going to get worse.

•••

I was able to hang out with my lifelong best friend last night! She came back to Ohio to visit her family and made a trip down here to stay with me for a night. I needed to see her. We got a pizza and ended up staying up until 1 am talking. I miss her so much, and I wish she was my next door neighbor.

•••

Kenley’s care packages are coming along nicely. I was just sent the final package of tissues so those are all purchased! We have 40 “memories too few” books now, and I just ordered all the “you are the mother of all mothers” book as well. I need to find that time to reevaluate what I need, and update my amazon wishlist. I’m hoping things come together soon.

Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are

Up above the world so high

Like a diamond in the sky

Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are

Alden loves when I sing this to her. She stops looking around and stares right into my eyes.

I like to believe it's because she knows I'm singing about her older sister…

I love you Kenley.

You're my little star.

After Kenley died I heard a plethora of the standard platitudes. A lot of the “it was gods plan” (it wasn’t) or “everything happens for a reason” (it doesn’t). When you lose a child those things are not comforting to anyone except the person saying them. Hearing that everything (my child dying) happened for a reason was and always will be like a knife in my already broken heart; salt in the wound.

Today, I went to get a pedicure. It’s the first time I’ve been out of the house to do something for me in a while. I was hesitant to leave, but I knew it would be good for me. I sat down, and started to soak my feet; I really need this I thought to myself. It will be good for me. The lady who was working had a kind face. She started out asking if I had just gotten off work to which I replied “No, I’m a stay at home Mom and just snuck away for a little bit to relax.”  This opened up the flood gates so to speak.

“How many kids do you have?” she asked.

“I have two living children and one Daughter who was stillborn at 38w4d”.

“I am so sorry” she replied, “I cannot imagine how difficult that must be”.

I thank her for her condolences and continue to look at my phone in hopes of her ending the conversation. (In my head I think the usual “yeah you’re right, you couldn’t ever know unless you’ve lost a child”) 

What she said next took me by surprise and caused me to feel a pain I haven’t felt in a really long time.

She looked at me and said ” In my culture, we believe that babies who die before birth, or are born with handicaps have sinned in a previous life, and therefore that is their punishment. You could think of it like that if it would help you feel less stressed.”

She’s lucky these words came out of her mouth as she was finished with my pedicure, and in a room full of way too many women for me to make a scene. I could not, for one second, believe that she thought it was ok to say this to a complete stranger. Your culture believes that my unborn child sinned in a previous life, they believe my innocent baby girl was a sinner, and so that’s why she didn’t get to live? What is the matter with people?

THIS is exactly why I don’t believe in organized religion AT ALL.

These people, and their Gods. Are you KIDDING me?

I left, and I cried the entire ride home. I cried hard. I haven’t felt that level of anger at a person in a long time. I wanted to scream at her, and just scream in general. How dare she think that my child is anything less than perfection. She is perfect. She will always be perfect. She was never touched by the worlds cold hands. She only knew love and comfort in my womb.

My momma heart was hurt tonight at the hands of an ignorant person. I miss my sweet daughter more than anyone could ever know, and to think for even one second that she is less than absolute perfection just broke my heart into a million pieces.

Kenley, my sweet girl, you are not a sinner. You are nothing but perfect. I love you with all that I am, and all that I will ever become in this life time. I cannot wait for the day that we are reunited and I can feel your skin against my face. Mommy loves you.

I haven’t been able to write lately. Continue reading →