Tonight we went to Landon’s 1st grade open house. I cannot believe that he is going to start first grade tomorrow. I remember the grief I felt last year as he started KG. I felt so upset because Kenley wasn’t there to walk through his classroom with us, she wasn’t there to see her big brother go to school. It was a very rough time for me, and I find myself feeling similar things this year. It’s just not fair. I think that I could say that until I had no more breath in my lungs, and it wouldn’t be enough.

Alden loved being in Landon’s classroom today. Tons of colors, beach theme, the teacher tied balloons on each child’s chair with their name written on them. (Later, when we got home, Landon said “Maybe I will send this balloon up to Kenley to let her know I’m thinking of her”….My momma heart exploded…) Some kids were in his class that were in his class last year so I think that helped. He is nervous. He keeps saying he has a belly ache, and I reassure him that he is going to do amazing.

I packed his lunch tonight, and made sure I wrote him a note telling him to have a great day. I’m going to miss him while he’s gone. I can’t believe it’s the start of school again…time is flying.

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We’re trying to transition Alden to her crib. That seems like a pretty innocent statement right? Wrong. SO many emotions surrounding it. I’m scared she will stop breathing in her crib and I will never know. I’m scared she will fall out of her crib (obviously impossible…), I’m scared. I don’t want my baby to die; I don’t want another baby to die. Hearing her cry at night while she falls asleep is just heart breaking. I don’t WANT to let her cry, I don’t want to hear her scream because she want’s me to go in there and pick her up. I look at her, and I never want to put her down. I know that those things are impossible if I ever want to sleep through the night, but my heart just hurts. I went in to calm her down tonight, and sang to her. Immediate smile. My heart exploded, and I just wanted to pick her up and hold her so tight.

Hearing her little cries from outside the room just broke my heart. I wanted to hear Kenley’s little cries from that room…it’s so weird.

Last night, she went to bed at 7 pm. It took her 21 minutes to fall asleep (I went in periodically to calm her down). She woke up a lot. She was up at 9:45, 12:21, 1:52, 4:02, and up for the day at 6:30. We will see what happens tonight….

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I need to clean out Landon and Alden’s closets. They both have so many clothes and they’ve both outgrown them all. I swear our house is busting at the seams and it’s only going to get worse.

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I was able to hang out with my lifelong best friend last night! She came back to Ohio to visit her family and made a trip down here to stay with me for a night. I needed to see her. We got a pizza and ended up staying up until 1 am talking. I miss her so much, and I wish she was my next door neighbor.

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Kenley’s care packages are coming along nicely. I was just sent the final package of tissues so those are all purchased! We have 40 “memories too few” books now, and I just ordered all the “you are the mother of all mothers” book as well. I need to find that time to reevaluate what I need, and update my amazon wishlist. I’m hoping things come together soon.