I did it.

I put together the boxes.

Finally.

They are all done. I need to tie them up with ribbon, but they’re done. Landon helped me with about 6 boxes. He knows that one of the books in the boxes make me sad, and he asked why. I explained to him what the books mean and why we are donating the boxes. He said he understood and that the book might not be sad to everyone. I said that the book is sad to people who lose babies because of the way you feel when you read it; the words mean something completely different when your baby dies. I’m not sure if he truly understands or not.

It’s hard to think about how I was able to throw a birthday party for him after Kenley died. Thinking about how it’s so hard for me to complete the task of throwing him a party now, even this far out, it just makes my mind explode thinking about how I was able to have a get together shortly after my life changed forever. I know I wanted to make his life feel as normal as possible, and I hope that I have done that, but I really don’t know if I’ve done a good job. I don’t know. Some days I feel like I have done well, and that he is very understanding of what happened to her, and how she impacted our lives…while other days I feel like he is a 7 year old kid who just doesn’t understand it.

He’s only 7. He was only 4 when she died. I cannot believe I have lived three years with a grieving Son, and without my first born Daughter. It seriously makes my brain explode some days.

It is incredible to me that depression has kept me from putting these boxes together until now. I have so many things going on in my life that you would think it would make me feel less stress over one particular thing but it’s the opposite. It makes me so so anxious to know that I couldn’t get the boxes done before her birthday. AND here it is one whole month later, and I just finished them. All the pieces sat there, staring at me, for a month. I just couldn’t bring myself to assemble them. It’s SAD. It’s so sad thinking about where they are going and why they are going.

I came to write about them, and about all the things related to them, but I just can’t.

Depression wins again. I can’t do it tonight.

Today we signed our contract for the land and construction loan! We are officially the owners of a really boring piece of land that will become our forever home soon! I can’t believe it. I am so ready to get the house going, and to see what it looks like when it’s all done.

I’ll tell you what…building a house is ridiculous. The stuff that has to be done before you even START is outrageous! Not to mention all the permits you need, and the cost of said permits. It’s nuts. That’s my little update for today. I am having a hard time finding my feelings to write here, but I want to keep updating for people who follow my journey.

I feel like I have a lot to say about nothing. I feel like everything I write about Kenley will just be repetitive and never change. She is a gaping hole in my soul and I cannot change that. It’s so weird. Idk…3 years and some change later and I just miss her as much as the day she died. Somedays its awful, somedays it’s less awful and I can look at her beautiful face and feel proud to be her mom. Today, I scrolled through my blog and saw her photo and my heart sank.

It’s a crap shoot with how I will feel and I think that it’s pretty shitty that this is my forever.

It’s unfair.

Kenley’s Birthday has come and gone…again. It just seems so unreal. God I hate even saying that because it just sounds so clichè. Of course it seems unreal– my child died. That’s just the the most unreal event anyone can experience.

We celebrated her with a small get together with my family and Shane’s family. My mom bought her cake (like every year, because I literally can’t even think about it without wanting to die) and we had some food, and released balloons for her on the land where we are building our house. It felt perfect to include her even before the house has started. All in all it was a very nice celebration of her life.

We received tons of love and support from all over on her birthday. I love seeing her name or hearing that she is on someone’s mind. People did some really awesome things for us on her birthday and it is so special. So if you thought of her or messaged me or whatever–thank you.

Celebrating a birthday without the birthday girl just feels weird and unnatural. Such is life, right?

We chose to release the balloons on the land that were building because it just seems fitting. We can’t include her any other way so this was perfect. We are closing on our construction loan on 1/15, and start digging shortly there after! We are so ready. This needs to happen so soon. We’ve been living with Shane’s parents since September 30th. We, as a large family, just need our own space. And I’m sure my in laws need theirs as well.

The house is going to be everything we wanted and I’m so excited!

We were able to get everything we wanted from this builder and for a LOT cheaper. I’ll tell you what…the first shower in my new tile shower is going to be amazingggggg. I can’t wait to start this chapter of our lives and see where it takes us.

Landon has his first basketball game tomorrow morning. He’s the older kid on the team this year so it will be interesting to see how it goes. I think he’s going to do great. I worry about how to corral two babies for an hour during the games…that will be fun.

Shane has been working 6 day work weeks since May, and it’s not slowing down. And now he’s not actually receiving a paycheck so that’s really fun too…I’m going to need the government to reopen and stop being dicks asap.

I’m going to NYC on the 18th! My friend Alaina and I are going to see the cursed child on broadway. When we booked this trip I remember thinking about how far off in the future it was…and now it’s here. Crazy. Time just keeps flying by. It will be nice to get away and unwind even though traveling stresses me out. I’ll also get to see my very good friend Christine so that will be SO awesome, too!

I chopped all of my hair off because I’m insane I think. I didn’t really intend to get it this short but I said I wanted it to not look stringy and dead and well lol this happened. Also, my hair wouldn’t dye the normal blonde color that I have so I’m kinda pissed about that. Thanks body for being so weird. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna go bald so it doesn’t really matter what my hair looks like I suppose!

I’ve lost nearly 60 lbs as well. So that feels really REALLY good. I’m at this weird place where mentally I don’t see it and some days I feel great and others I see me at my highest weight when I look in the mirror. But, today for the first time, I saw myself…60 lbs lighter. I can’t say I’ll see it tomorrow but today it felt good.

I need to start looking into planning three birthday parties. Landon’s Birthday was supposed to be at a trampoline park and after we got his basketball schedule I realized that literally NONE of his friends will be able to come because the time slot is when all the games are. So scratch that. I’m checking into a different place and hoping they can accommodate us for later in the afternoon!

As for the girls. Ugh. I never ever wanted to have “joint” birthday parties…but here I am. So, the girls will have a birthday party on the same weekend which feels like Rowan is getting screwed a little lol. Poor Rowie. 4th child problems I guess? Not sure what I’m going to do, but it’s looking like Peppa Pig or Minnie Mouse. Rowan isn’t into anything specific yet, and Alden loves team umizoomi and the above cartoons. I’m just not sure what to do. I know it’s more so for me right now but I still want them to enjoy themselves!

Birthday overload.

Christmas was ok. Wanted to die the entire season as per usual. October-February makes me so unsettled.

So there’s my random update.