it’s been a long time.

I haven’t written in far too long. I’m always busy and I hate that I can’t sit down and have a one on one with my laptop these days. There has been so much happening in my life that I want to pour out here, but whenever I come here to do so, I feel defeated. Overwhelmed. Tired. Sad.

I remember a time when I wrote every. single. day. It was therapy for me, and it made me feel better. Then, slowly over time it became less and less. Until it became a few times a month, and now it’s been a month and a half since I last posted.

I’m tried. All the time. Sure, you’re thinking I’m tired because of the girls, and life etc etc, but I’m not talking about that kind of tired. Lately I’ve realized that I’m tried because of Kenley’s death. I’m sad because of it. I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed, and anxious and feel crazy because of it. It literally shapes every single day of my life even when I feel like I’m having  a good day. When I think I’m having a good day, I still don’t.

Kenley has been gone for nearly 3 years and 7 months.

The past 3 years and 7 months of my life as this new person has been full of emotions I never expected to feel again, which makes me so happy…yet these moments are shadowed in sadness? Normal people get to just feel the happiness. Why can’t I just feel that again? Why me? Why our family? Why my sweet perfect girl? This life shouldn’t be mine because she was perfect, and we are good people.

Sure, I’ve fucked up in my life before. And honestly? I wonder if Kenley dying was my karma. I blame myself every day for not realizing she stopped moving. I will always blame myself for her death, because I am her Mother and I let her down. I cannot change that.

I miss her. I see her in every day things that she will never be able to do. I see her in the faces of my beautiful girls. I see her in the way Landon looks at them. It’s so sad. IT’S SO SAD. We have a baby who is dead. How fucking sad can that sound to other people???

I just want her back. Today is hard for some reason. I’ve been struggling all evening and feel that I could be having a very mild anxiety attack. Nothing triggered me, that I know of. I am just so tired of it all. It’s always so heavy…always.