I am so in love with my Husband; He is my favorite. Tonight, Landon is staying at my in laws so I can go to my appointment tomorrow morning. Shane and I are hanging out on the couch watching tv and it’s the most relaxed I’ve felt in a long time.
This weekend has been weird. Friday, I had my repeat betas and they were great; doubling within 44 hours. I have my third beta on Monday morning and when we get those results back we will scheduled our first ultrasound.
Ugh. First ultrasound; It brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. The last time I had an ultrasound with a baby in my ute, she was dead. No heartbeat, no movement, no life. To go to another ultrasound and possibly hear a heartbeat is so, so, so intimidating. It’s absolutely frightening. I want to be excited, please don’t get me wrong. It’s just causing me anxiety, and I feel zero joy right now.
I want to feel excited for this baby; for Landon and Kenley’s little sister growing inside of me. I am just having a really hard time right now. I figured I would take a test, see 2 lines, and cry. Nope, didn’t do that. I figured when I got my first beta back I would feel so great that the number was “this high” or “perfect“, but I didn’t. When the repeat beta came back more than doubled, I figured that I would feel some reassurance…But, you guessed it, I didn’t feel any. I literally just feel empty, which is so ironic because for the first time in 7 months, I’m not alone anymore…even when I am.
I don’t want to be.
I honestly don’t know if I will ever be ok during this pregnancy. If this baby is my “Rainbow baby” (side note: this word cuts through my heart like a knife. Kenley was my rainbow. She is supposed to be here, and be my fucking rainbow) I will love her with the same love that I have for Landon and Kenley, I know that. It’s just so unfortunate that the joy of any future pregnancy is shadowed by the fear of loss.
It is unfair.
I don’t care how childish that sounds, it’s the fucking truth.
This is all so unfair.
I miss you, my sweet girl. I am trying to be strong, I swear it to you. I try every. single. day.Sometimes it’s just too much.
The days where it’s too much end with me crying in bed, asking your daddy to promise me, to swear to me that he will bury your urn with me when I die.
No one should ever have to utter those words to their husband in the dark through tears.
Today is 7 months since Kenley died. I miss her more than ever if that’s even possible. She would be crawling and eating random “human” food (like shane and I call it lol). I cannot believe this much time has gone by.
On Wednesday, I had my first blood draw to check if I was pregnant. The doctor wanted me to come back for a second blood draw 2 days later to make sure the number (if there was one) was doubling in the appropriate time frame.
Wednesday my beta level as 107
This morning my beta love was 225
The normal doubling time is 48-72 hours, and ours was 44 hours.
I go back Monday for one more blood draw, and if that number looks good, we will schedule an ultrasound.
I’m missing your squishy cheeks, and beautiful lips tonight my sweet girl. Look at that hair; so auburn, wavy and soft. You were the most beautiful girl I’d ever laid eyes on. You were and always will be mine.
The closer we get to beta day, the more weird I feel. Weird in the way that I don’t know how to feel. If my betas are positive, I’m going to be happy obviously, but I’m sure I will feel a gazillion other emotions along with the happiness. I’ve talked at length about this before in other posts.
What I’m really afraid of is…the rest of my life from here on out. I know some might think this to be dramatic, but you have no room to judge. I will forever be figuring out a way to give this new baby (hopefully, if we’re pregnant) all of my love with a broken heart; with a gigantic piece of my soul missing. Tell me how a mother does this? How???
This new baby will live in Kenley’s room which is a huge trigger for me right now. I can’t even think of putting another baby in there, but I have no other choice. We could move, and I won’t lie, we’ve honestly though about it. I would feel bad moving, but also like I was releasing myself of guilt in some weird way. I asked Landon if he wanted to switch rooms and he could take the nursery. I told him we would repaint it for him and make it however he wanted. His reply? ” but that’s Kenleys nursery”…
Ouch, my heart.
How will he feel to see that nursery torn down, and a new one created for a new baby? I don’t know what will happen if we are pregnant. I don’t know how we will feel as a family. It’s all such uncharted territory and I find myself feeling more scared than sad lately.