This weekend has been weird. Friday, I had my repeat betas and they were great; doubling within 44 hours. I have my third beta on Monday morning and when we get those results back we will scheduled our first ultrasound.

Ugh. First ultrasound; It brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. The last time I had an ultrasound with a baby in my ute, she was dead. No heartbeat, no movement, no life. To go to another ultrasound and possibly hear a heartbeat is so, so, so intimidating. It’s absolutely frightening. I want to be excited, please don’t get me wrong. It’s just causing me anxiety, and I feel zero joy right now.

I want to feel excited for this baby; for Landon and Kenley’s little sister growing inside of me. I am just having a really hard time right now. I figured I would take a test, see 2 lines, and cry. Nope, didn’t do that. I figured when I got my first beta back I would feel so great that the number was “this high” or “perfect“, but I didn’t. When the repeat beta came back more than doubled, I figured that I would feel some reassurance…But, you guessed it, I didn’t feel any. I literally just feel empty, which is so ironic because for the first time in 7 months, I’m not alone anymore…even when I am.

I’m guarded.

I don’t want to be.

I honestly don’t know if I will ever be ok during this pregnancy. If this baby is my “Rainbow baby” (side note: this word cuts through my heart like a knife. Kenley was my rainbow. She is supposed to be here, and be my fucking rainbow) I will love her with the same love that I have for Landon and Kenley, I know that. It’s just so unfortunate that the joy of any future pregnancy is shadowed by the fear of loss.

It is unfair.

I don’t care how childish that sounds, it’s the fucking truth.

This is all so unfair.

I miss you, my sweet girl. I am trying to be strong, I swear it to you. I try every. single. day. Sometimes it’s just too much.

The days where it’s too much end with me crying in bed, asking your daddy to promise me, to swear to me that he will bury your urn with me when I die.

No one should ever have to utter those words to their husband in the dark through tears.

Life is so incredibly fucked up.

5 thoughts on “weird.

  1. Big hugs. And you don’t sound childish–this is all so unfair and messed up.

    I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow! ❤ I hope it goes well.

    I hate the term rainbow baby for so many reasons.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, how I wish I could tell
    You the magic words letting you know it’ll all be ok. I don’t know when/if we will have a chance to have a rainbow, but I want to thank you for sharing your honest feelings. It has to be the hardest thing anyone has to go through. Thinking of you five often ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my dear, you do NOT sound childish. Please don’t ever think your feelings are childish. This IS absolutely the most unfair thing to happen to a human being…a MOTHER. An amazing Mother. Allow yourself to feel all your feelings without judgement.

    FX for you and thinking of you today! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Randi…the thought of a Doppler, ultrasound, heck even sitting in the waiting room makes me panic…I’m not even pregnant but I can relate to the anxiety surrounding those things. Thinking of you 💗

    Liked by 1 person

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