FET

if you have a second…

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Through Kenley’s death, I met a loss momma on IG. Her and her husband are struggling with secondary infertility (no issue with first child, fertility issues with the second pregnancy). 

This speaks to me because it’s what happened to us. Landon, no issues. I was diagnosed with dinished ovarian reserve which lead to 2.5 years of struggles, 6 rounds of clomid, 2 rounds of letrozole, 1 round of tamoxifen, and 3 IUIs later we got pregnant with Kenley. Then, we lost her. 

This family has DOR, and needs IVF. If they win this contest they will get a fully funded IVF cycle. 

We paid out of pocket for our IVF cycle, and it cost us $23,000. 

Please take the time to watch this video and vote (thumbs up there video to vote) to make their IVF cycle happen. 

Vote for Joan & John!

NT.

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Tomorrow we have our NT scan and first official MFM/OB appt. I’m nervous, but not much.

I’m a little scared because I stopped my PIO, and my estrogen, and haven’t been back for a scan since…It freaks me out to think that something could have gone wrong after I stopped those medications. I’m trying to have control over my mind and control over the fear, but well…lets me honest now.

The appointment is at 12:20, then my OB appointment is in the same place just at 1:45. I have my Mother in Law coming to get Landon off the bus if needed.

If all looks well in my scan tomorrow, and we get a good picture of our girl, I’m going to post it here. I wanted to let all of the loss moms know, just incase you were having a bad day, or will be having a bad day tomorrow. I feel as if I owe it to this baby to be excited for her (obviously I am, but it’s complicated…) so I’m going to try and do one thing every few days that makes me a little uncomfortable. Posting her ultrasound photo will be that thing. I posted photos of EVERYTHING when I was pregnant with Kenley, and this baby deserves to be loved just the same.

(I have to repeat this in my head daily. Losing Kenley has greatly altered my emotional state)

I hate this. I hate every second of the way I have to live my life now.

I am trying.

Little Miss, I can’t wait to see you on your ultrasound tomorrow. Please dance up a storm and make it hard for the tech to see you, so we can see you longer (but make sure to let her get all the measurements and pictures she needs!) .

 

 

shipped.

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Today has been a rough day. Shane asked me how I was feeling about “little miss”, and it sort of just opened flood gates. We ended up talking about her for a long time. We talked about Kenley, her nursery, the new baby, and a bunch of stuff. I told him I was thinking about going into her room today, but ultimately I decided that I didn’t want to/wasn’t ready. He asked me if I wanted to start putting things into her hope chest, and I just lost it.  Cue all the tears, for the rest of the day.

No, I don’t want to put her stuff in the box. I WANT her to be here so she can use it. I want to never have known this level of pain, and heartache. I want to be naive about pregnancy, and never suffer 2 miscarriages, and a stillbirth. I want to not feel sad/guilty/depressed every second of every day even on my good days.

I know that nothing will ever bring Kenley back, and I know that I am doing a lot better with processing her death but quite frankly it just fucking sucks.

The whole thing sucks. 

I want to be excited for this new baby; we worked our asses off to get her. I am happy and excited to be pregnant, but it is overshadowed. I am trying— I say this so much that I sound like a broken record. I’m having a hard time thinking about this new baby using the swing that was purchased for Kenley. I know that it probably seems like a trivial thing for some people, but those people probably don’t truly understand. The items that we purchased for Kenley were burned into our minds as “her things”.

We dreamed of bringing her home from the hospital, and laying her in the rock n’ play my friend bought for her.

We dreamed of bringing her home and dressing her in one of the adorable outfits we specially bought for her.

We envisioned laying her in her crib, the one that we spent so long researching.

I dreamed of her doing tummy time on her bright yellow chevron rug (that I spent way too much money on- but didn’t care because, anything for her, right?)

I never in a million years expected to not have her here with me. I never thought for one second that I would have a nursery full of brand new items, never to be used by the intended child. But, instead, I have to process my grief and allow a new baby to use these items. I know that sounds weird, even as I type it my rational brain is screaming out–but my loss mom brain…well…that part of my brain gets it. That part of my brain understands the true depths of my pain. That part of my brain will always be fucked up now.

So the way it stands is that one half of my brain is always going to be living in fear or something terrible happening, and a huge chunk of my heart is pretty much broken and dead.

I’ve spent the evening googling “what to do with a nursery after stillbirth”… I bet your evening was better…

As I was sobbing and reading through multiple websites, I received an email.

Our Molly Bear has shipped…with 2 day shipping.

The bear will be here before 38+4…

I know that Kenley was looking out for me, and wanted to make sure the bear got here before the day when she has been gone for longer than she was alive.

I love you baby girl. You give me the strength to wake up everyday. I wish I could be holding you, smelling your sweet baby smell right now.

MFM.

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Today we had our dating ultrasound at the MFM office. I was so anxious, and nervous; I puked for the first time this morning, so I was going into the appointment with high hopes. When we arrived at the office, I was immediately impressed by how new it all looked. We walked in and the building was AMAZING. It was just finished in June of this year, and the whole decoration theme is that of Ohio State. Everything was just so clean and sparkly which somehow made me feel more confident in the Doctors. So lame, I know, but it’s true!

When we went back, we were put into an ultrasound room that was HUGE with a giant monitor. Once we started the scan, the tech (who was like, 23 years old MAX) was so sweet to us, and showed us everything. She told us exactly what we were looking at, and showed us the little flicker on the screen that was our girl’s heart beating away- 176 BPM. She looks like a gummy bear, and had arms and legs (although they are super tiny). The tech held the probe in one position long enough for us to see our girl dancing around. I pretty much lost it immediately. I was crying for most of the scan. It was so wonderful to see another baby with a heartbeat inside of me, growing like she should – but at the same time, it was so sad. We were given some great pictures, and told to wait for the Doctor to come in to discuss with us.

We waited for a long time, but it was totally worth it.

The Doctor came in, and I immediately fell in love with him. He answered all of our questions, and spent some serious time with us. He pulled records from Landon’s delivery and went over them with us. He informed us of all the tests he wanted to run, and that he would allow us to come back in 2 weeks for another scan. We have that scan set for 9/8. The new patient appointment is set for 9/22, at which I will meet with one of the Doctors to discuss our plan of action. At this appointment we will also have our NT scan (Nuchal Translucency Screening) as I will be 12 weeks. They also set us up for our 18 week detailed anatomy scan on 11/3. This made me extremely happy to hear- DETAILED. If you recall in one of my previous posts I discussed how our anatomy scan with Kenley was 9 minutes. I truly hope that I am at my anatomy scan with the MFM for an hour. I don’t care how long I have to be there, please just make sure my baby is ok.

Then, on 12/13 I will go in for a Fetal Echocardiogram. Can I tell you how fucking happy I am to be given all this monitoring? I mean… I’m just beyond thrilled. I know that my baby will be given THE BEST care that I can provide for her. It does hurt my heart to know that Kenley could have been given this care, and she wasn’t. That was pretty hard to deal with today, I won’t lie. I know that I did everything for Kenley that I could, but it just cuts like a knife to know that there was someone out there who could have been able to save her, maybe. I don’t know. It’s just sad.

So, bottom line is we LOVE the MFM team at Ohio State. I am throughly looking forward to going through a pregnancy with them. I know that they will take my concerns seriously, and do everything they can to bring this baby into the world screaming.

On another note, A GIANT THANK YOU to everyone who donated to the Molly Bear fundraiser. We exceeded our goal, and I have officially placed my order for my Kenley Bear!!! The bear should ship out to us within 4 weeks! This makes my heart so happy. They asked for a few specific design requests for the bear, so Shane and I thought about that for a while today. We decided to go with foxes (obviously) and her nursery colors- Coral, Yellow, and Teal. No matter what the Kenley Bear looks like, I will be so thankful for her. I’m so excited. I’m also pretty sure that when it comes I will cry pretty hard.

All in all…today was a pretty good day.

 

 

emotional. 

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The title says it all; today has been super emotional for me (and Shane, too). This morning we woke up and got Landon ready for school. He was pretty excited so I think that helped me stay calm. We went out and waited for the bus at about 7:45; the bus was late and didn’t show up until 8:02. He was so excited when the bus stopped and turned on the light. I, however, had to hold back tears as I let his hand go and he got on the bus.

When he drove off, I cried. I knew I would, but I’m just so happy I could keep it together for him because had I cried, he would have cried too.


Then it was off to the RE for our ultrasound. It was the first time we would (hopefully) hear this baby’s heartbeat. When we got there we waited twenty (excruciatingly long)  minutes. The RE walked in and asked how I was- I said nervous. He seemed to forget that this was our first heartbeat scan. He turned the machine on and immediately said “well don’t be nervous because we have a heartbeat”. He asked if we wanted to hear and we said yes; What an all too familiar sound. Little miss has a heart rate of 138 @ 6w6d ( I thought we were 7w today, but I guess I’m wrong?).

Everything looked good, so we go back to the RE on August 31.

Next Thursday (25th) we see the MFM @ OSU for an intake ultrasound so I’m very happy we will have 2 scans in the next 2 weeks. My RE wrote the MFM a letter in hopes that they will get me in sooner than 9/22 for my first OB appointment.

So, all in all- good news today.

But Landon will be home in about 5-10 minutes so let’s see how his day went before we call it a 100% win 🙂

weird.

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This weekend has been weird. Friday, I had my repeat betas and they were great; doubling within 44 hours. I have my third beta on Monday morning and when we get those results back we will scheduled our first ultrasound.

Ugh. First ultrasound; It brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. The last time I had an ultrasound with a baby in my ute, she was dead. No heartbeat, no movement, no life. To go to another ultrasound and possibly hear a heartbeat is so, so, so intimidating. It’s absolutely frightening. I want to be excited, please don’t get me wrong. It’s just causing me anxiety, and I feel zero joy right now.

I want to feel excited for this baby; for Landon and Kenley’s little sister growing inside of me. I am just having a really hard time right now. I figured I would take a test, see 2 lines, and cry. Nope, didn’t do that. I figured when I got my first beta back I would feel so great that the number was “this high” or “perfect“, but I didn’t. When the repeat beta came back more than doubled, I figured that I would feel some reassurance…But, you guessed it, I didn’t feel any. I literally just feel empty, which is so ironic because for the first time in 7 months, I’m not alone anymore…even when I am.

I’m guarded.

I don’t want to be.

I honestly don’t know if I will ever be ok during this pregnancy. If this baby is my “Rainbow baby” (side note: this word cuts through my heart like a knife. Kenley was my rainbow. She is supposed to be here, and be my fucking rainbow) I will love her with the same love that I have for Landon and Kenley, I know that. It’s just so unfortunate that the joy of any future pregnancy is shadowed by the fear of loss.

It is unfair.

I don’t care how childish that sounds, it’s the fucking truth.

This is all so unfair.

I miss you, my sweet girl. I am trying to be strong, I swear it to you. I try every. single. day. Sometimes it’s just too much.

The days where it’s too much end with me crying in bed, asking your daddy to promise me, to swear to me that he will bury your urn with me when I die.

No one should ever have to utter those words to their husband in the dark through tears.

Life is so incredibly fucked up.

8dp5dt.

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Landon’s spending the night with my mother in law.

Tomorrow at 9am we go for our blood draw that will tell us if we are pregnant or not. Results should be back around 2pm.

Send all the good vibes, if you have any to spare.

 

2dp5dt.

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We had therapy this morning as usual, and I always leave us so exhausted. It is so incredibly hard to sit there for an hour and talk about Kenley. It inevitably always turns to sadness, or things surrounding her death that make me so incredibly mad. Today we were talking about how I like to destress. Our Therapist asked if I was the type of person who believed in “visualization” of something- If you imagine it for long enough, and hard enough that maybe it will come to fruition. Well, I’m not that type of person…at all. I’m a very matter of fact person. If I am pregnant, it’s because this bundle of cells that the RE implanted into my uterus attached to my uterine lining- that’s all. SCIENCE.

I cannot visualize that and make it happen.

Anyway, we talked about that  and I told her that I feel like I’ve been better about not randomly crying anymore. Shane chimed in and said that he sees a big improvement in my attitude and tolerance toward babies (I don’t agree with him though). He referenced the GoT episode we watched last night in which a baby cried for literally 3-5 minutes of the segment. He said he saw me pick up the remote control like I was going to mute it (I actually did pick it up to mute it but then the show ended). He said it was frustrating to him as well and he could it tell it bothered me. He didn’t mention it to me at the time during the show, but he said it today. I told him that he should have muted it because 9/10 we are feeling the same exact thing- I just don’t have a filter and say what I feel.

Then, the Therapist said ” Of course that is hard for you two, you didn’t get to hear Kenley cry. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be, or how people expect it to be.” And I lost my shit. I started crying pretty hard. It’s true, I didn’t get to hear her cry; I NEVER WILL. I grew this beautiful human inside of me and I will never get to hear her sweet cry. Things from there just went to more sad things- her nursery, using her things for future baby, moving and being faced with the feelings of leaving her only home behind. It’s just bullshit- all of it.

Back to decompressing/ destressing- I told her that meditation and things like that don’t work for me. Destressing comes from hanging out with Shane. He is my best friend and being with him is relaxing. When we go on a date, or watch tv and hang out it’s literally the best time for me. Nothing else calms me down more than being with him. He’s like my giant safety blanket I guess. So anyway, today just sucked. I have a love hate relationship with therapy.

We got home and went to the grocery store, and I passed the pregnancy tests. I decided not to buy any right now because they’re so freakin expensive. $20 for a pack of 3? Like I haven’t spent enough money already, people. My blood test to tell if I’m pregnant is Wednesday at 9am. Some (most) people test at home before their blood draw so they know what to expect. I’m pretty sure I will do that…but I guess that means I need to buy a test before Friday. Can someone just knock me out, and wake me up Wednesday after my results are back? Kthx.

So far I’m feeling tired; I think it’s probably from my PIO shots. I’ve been having cramping since the procedure, but I figure that’s probably normal, too. Yesterday night I got so hot that I had to take my robe off in the middle of Game of Thrones and stand there cooling off. It was like a serious hot flash.With Kenley I was sick immediately. She implanted, and I was sick until the day I had her; I threw up the morning she was born. If this baby has implanted, I assume that I will be sick again. Maybe that is why I’ve been feeling nauseous today? A girl can hope, right?

pupo.

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There’s a saying in the infertility world- PUPO (Pregnant until proven otherwise). 

Well, that’s what I am 💜

Our beautiful embryo ❤

💗💜💙

Everything went well, and our embaby survived the thaw beautifully. The embryo was expanding as they like to see. 

Now we wait for our blood draw next Wednesday ❤ 

Snuggle in for the long haul, little one. You are so loved and wanted. 

PIO.

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I started my PIO (progesterone in oil) shots the other day, and for some reason they hurt really bad this time. After my egg retrieval my RE had me start the same shots “just incase” our embryos sucked and didn’t make it to day 5 for PGS (can you tell my  Dr has like, zero faith in my body? I don’t blame him, really) and they didn’t hurt at all! Shane was a pro then, maybe he’s just rusty. He says when he’s doing it this time there is resistance. Yeah…I know. I feel it.

I watched a few videos today of others giving themselves the shots, and I feel like I could do it but I figure we’ll give it one more shot with Shane doing it. I think tonight when he gets home, I will warm the oil by rolling it in my palms for a few minutes, and have him give me the shot while I’m laying down.

 ( * I ended up holding the vial of progesterone for a while to warm it up, which made the withdrawal so much easier. Once the syringe was filled I held it in my hand for another 5 mins and laid on my bed when Shane gave me the injection. Perfection! Didn’t even feel the shot at all *) 

For those who don’t know about PIO, it’s to support the uterine lining during the luteal phase of a FET (frozen egg transfer) or a fresh transfer.

The set up looks like this (not my photo):

needles

The one closest to the bottle is an 18g needle. It is used to draw up the medicine. The one on the right is a 22g-1.5 inch needle used to administer the injection. The shot is intramuscular.

And the shots go here:

shotsite

Um Ouch.  

If our embryo sticks, and we are indeed pregnant, we will continue this for 12 weeks. TWELVE. Every. single. night. I’m sorry – I know I should feel so pumped and excited, but it’s just not that simple anymore. I’ve lost my naivety toward the situation; I know too much.

 I know what can go wrong if your hormone levels are off, or if you start spotting. I know that you can have an ectopic pregnancy and lose a tube, or an ovary, or fucking die. I know that your cervix can “not do it’s job” and you can lose your baby at any time even when you think you’ve past the scary points. I know that, even a week before you’re scheduled to have a normal repeat C-section, you can hear the words that will shatter your world forever; “This is where her heart is, and unfortunetly there is no heartbeat”. I know that you can truly feel like you want to die for the foreseeable future because your child died inside of you when you were in the clear; your daughter died when she shouldn’t have.

Those things could happen to us again. Any of them could be a possibility and I hate that I even have to worry about it.  I know that we will be monitored so intensely, but my mind just goes back to “well, shouldn’t I have been monitored this well anyway? I am growing a human for fucks sake”. Sadly, that’s not the case. Monitoring for normal pregnancies is a joke. I had a shitty NINE MINUTE (yes, nine minutes…normal scans can range from 20 mins to an hour for some people) anatomy scan, an intake scan at a new OB that was probably 25-30 minutes long, and a scan at 36.5 weeks…and somehow, no one detected a possibly anomaly with Kenley’s cord. Maybe, just maybe, if a Biophysical Profile Ultrasound was done on me my daughter would be here. Maybe, if my doctors sent me to an MFM because of my history with Preeclampsia, they would have done one on me. I should have been sent to an MFM. I was failed by doctors. All of my doctors failed us during Kenley’s pregnancy.

There is a standard of care, and a general guideline to follow when sending your patient to an MFM…and I ticked many boxes, yet I wasn’t sent.

I will never forgive myself for not advocating harder for my Daughter.

The medical field needs to get their shit together. 26,000 stillbirths a year, and yet we just can’t figure it out?

Unacceptable.

Medicine failed my sweet girl, and it’s hard to believe that anything positive could happen for us now.