Recently I’ve been talking with a group of women who all had late term losses between 30-40 weeks. We all seem to get along incredibly well, and it gives us all an area to go and talk about our children in ANY way we want to or need to without judgement. Lets be honest for a second, if I were to say some of the stuff I say in my group chat with them, to non loss mothers, I’m pretty sure said non loss moms would be terrified. These loss moms? Not phased and more often than not can chime in and say they feel/have felt the exact same way at one point or another.

On top of the talk of our children, we are all very sarcastic and cynical which is sort of perfect and exactly what we all need. We talk about day to day things, and we make each other laugh during the moments when we need it most. My post title is dedicated to them today actually! We often talk about other people who haven’t been through a late term loss, and the awkward things that those people say to us. Someone brought up the hashtag of #blessed being a big thing now, and we all cringed. Like, personally, for me I get it…you’re #blessed because you have a great life, and things are going good for you–Great for you! But, when I search my most common Instagram hashtags (which are pretty fucking sad: #stilbirth, #stillborn, #grief, #childloss, and #Pregnancyafterloss) I sometimes stumble across a photo of a loss mom, or a rainbow baby with the #blessed hashtag.

How are you gonna use that hashtag after all you’ve been through?

The worst is when somehow a photo sneaks in with the hashtag and it’s a fucking picture of food, or a coffee or something stupid. HEY AWESOME. SO GLAD YOU’RE FEELIN BLESSED FOR YOUR CUP OF COFFEE. Oh, or I remember one we talked about from someone saying they were blessed to be given the chance to interview at a job. Yikes. Blessed…maybe you should have hash tagged “#GotwhereIambecauseIworkedmyassoff, or #Iappliedandwasgiventheinterview”.

ANYWAY. What I was getting at is, I know that I’m very fortunate to be in the position that I am- holding my sweet rainbow, a wonderful 6 year old, an amazing husband, etc etc. To the outsider I could have a life that a lot of people would want; once inside my life though, you would feel the devastation I carry around and probably want to jump off a cliff. How’s that for #blessed? There is a huge difference between being blessed, and being where you are because you bust your ass.

I have Alden because I made that happen. I didn’t sit around and hope that I would just end up pregnant. I know my struggles with Infertility and I knew what I had to do to get here. Being #blessed wasn’t gonna make this or ANYTHING happen. I had to bust my ass, give myself injections for upward of 40+ weeks including all my IVF meds.

This brings me to my title- #blessedasfuck.

I will get on board the blessed as fuck train in a second. It’s a darker take on being blessed in my opinion. Maybe it’s just the dark sense of humor that losing a child creates inside of you? Maybe it’s the sad realization that anyone who loses a child and says they are #blessed is insane and probably pushing down some reeeeealllll heavy grief, or the fact that ultimately your child is still dead in the end, blessed or not. But, I can relate to that much more than just being positive all the time. There are mothers on IG who post the weirdest things after losing their children. I know to each their own, but being that positive after you lose one, even two babies, is just…I don’t know. It doesn’t seem real. Like I said earlier, it seems to be a way to shove the grief down and not deal with it.

I like to keep this journey honest and to be an open book. My feelings are raw, and real and I know that for me, reading other mothers raw grief has really helped. It’s been 15 months since Kenley died, and there are days where I feel like it is day 1 all over again.  I, in no way, shape or form feel blessed for this being my life. I struggled with Infertility for damn near 3 years, I lost two babies early in their pregnancies, I went through failed cycle after failed cycle with medications that are awful on my body, paid obscene amounts of money to make a child, was able to FINALLY get pregnant with my most perfect Kenley, and then lost her. Pretty sure that does not fall under the blessed category anywhere.

I do feel blessed as fuck, though; blessed in a darker sense and not religious at all. I was able to hold my beautiful lifeless daughter, and have photos of her. I have things of hers that I can look at someday if I’m ever strong enough. We are fortunate enough to be able to afford IVF, we had 3 embryos, we now have a living daughter, and 2 frozen boy embryos if we decide to have more kids (heart says yes, anxiety and sanity says no). For those reasons I am pretty fuckin happy.

I don’t know. This post is just a jumble of tiredness, random words and raw truth…Maybe I’m just having an off day…

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Two nights ago, Alden ate at 11:30, 1:30, 3:30, and 7. At 3:30 I hopped up and warmed her bottle, came back into bed and fed her. After I was done, I gave her a fresh diaper and hoped she would go back to sleep easily- Nope. She cried, and was super gassy. I laid her on the bed and started rubbing her belly…well, about 45 minutes passed and all of a sudden I hear a noise that sounds like someone threw a handful of shit FULL FORCE against a wall. I started laughing so hard. Needless to say when I took her diaper off, it was shit city. Alllllllll up her legs and back.

#blessedasfuck, though,  because I would rather be up to my eyeballs in baby shit than to be alone in bed crying for the baby we lost. Give me all the baby poop.

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Yesterday I found out that my neighbor died. She had cancer for nearly 3 years, and always seemed to be doing well (or at least she told me). She and I had text last on February 27th when I asked how she was doing, to which she replied she had just finished treatment and was feeling a little rough. She asked how we were doing and I told her that we were due on the 15th of March to which she replied that she didn’t know we were expecting again, and she was so happy to hear it. She had stopped over to my house just a few days before Kenley died, and I had to tell her Kenley died when she text me a few days after my due date to ask how things were going.

Shane was walking the dog yesterday and passed her house where her daughter was checking the mail. I guess she asked Shane if he lived on this road (were immediate next door neighbors, but we’ve never met her daughter because she was in College) and he said yes, and explained that I often would text with her mom etc. She then said through tears that her mom had passed away on March 18th– The day we got home from the Hospital.

I am so incredibly sad that I never got the chance to take her to lunch, or to have another conversation with her. She was the kindest woman, and I hurt for her daughter. I was crying and Landon asked me what was wrong so I explained to him what happened. He looked at me, and put his hand on my shoulder and started to cry. He is so sweet; he asked if we could go put flowers on her grave. I told him that we could, if she was buried. I hate that my son knows the sadness of death already. I hate that I relived his pain of Kenley dying when I told him our neighbor died. I hate it; His poor little heart.

I found myself to be more sad than I expected because I was taken by surprise; she always assured me she was doing so well.

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Shane goes back to work today. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious as hell about it. I know that it’s not that big of a deal, but it’s the first time that I will have both kids alone. I will be ok, I know that, but my anxiety is ramping up and I really want to not spiral out of control so we’ll see how this works tonight…

I wish he could stay home with me all the time. It would be good for both of us. I’m seriously considering getting my medicine dosage altered as I feel my anxiety going through the roof some days. I’ll give it a few more weeks to see if the newborn phase passes and maybe my mind can calm itself down once life regulates.  I think just so much new stuff happening is really throwing me for a loop. The other day, Alden’s social security card came in the mail. When I saw it, I burst into tears. I dreamt of getting Kenley’s in the mail; of seeing her beautiful name typed out on that card for the rest of her life, and instead…she got nothing. No birth certificate, only her name on the funeral home paperwork. Somedays things are the worst they could ever be, I think. And seeing Alden’s card come in the mail should have been so exciting for me (because she is here and I can feel her and hold her…) but, it just sucked.

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And finally, a few pictures from the Hospital. They’re not my favorite, and I wish they would have edited her skin because is so blotchy. These pictures do make me SUPER excited to see the ones that we had our photographer take the other day. I am so in love with this little girl, and I hope that she knows that.

I can’t even with the amount of cute! Her double chin gets me every time 💜 Ashley Dunlavy is amazing and I cannot wait for the rest of our pics to be done. I’m so thankful she has been able to capture Landon, and now Alden. She even managed to include Kenley as well in some photos. I just cannot wait to see them. 

Alden had a weight check today. She has gained 7oz after losing 10.3% of her body weight in the hospital before we left. Our pediatrician was happy with her progress and scheduled a one month check up. We got to talking and she somehow asked a question where I was able to bring Kenley into the conversation. It feels so normal to talk about her; I want to be able to speak about her in the present tense though. What a sad realization that it will never happen.  

Tomorrow we are having Alden’s newborn photos done here at our house. My amazing friend is coming to shoot them for us. I had set up for Kenley’s newborn photos and telling her I no longer needed her was just awful. She is planning to do something in honor of Alden being a rainbow and I’m pretty excited to see what she comes up with. 

Shane has to go back to work on Thursday. I’m not very excited for that day to come. I enjoy his company and also I know that he loves being here with all of us. I wish he could stay home for another week. 

Monday 3.13 was our last NST. She looked amazing on the scan, and my nurse hugged me on the way out while wishing us luck on Wednesday. She said she was so excited for us and couldn’t wait to see Alden when she arrived. (Later, at my postpartum visit, I would learn that the nursing staff who cared for us was reading my electronic medical chart all morning waiting to hear news of her arrival. This almost brought me to tears; I love those nurses SO much) 

Tuesday 3.14 was my Mom’s birthday! Happy Birthday again Mom! She and my step-dad were coming down to our house after work (they live 2.5 hrs away) to keep Landon and bring him to the Hospital in the morning. Shane and I finished packing up our bag, and finished up a few last minute things. I later showered with an entire 4oz  bottle of medical grade soap. Doesn’t sound like a big deal right? Well, wrong. 4 oz is a lot of freakin soap! I think I washed my entire body like 6 times. SO. MUCH. SOAP.

Afterwards, Shane and I decided we needed to go to bed. He was able to pass right out, snoring, me however…I didn’t sleep. I finally put my phone down around 2 am, and I think I slept until 3:45. My alarm was set to go off at 4:00 so I could take (another) 4oz medical grade soapy shower (side note? My skin was so friggin dry after the shower). When we were all ready, we gathered our bags and headed out the door. When we walked to the car I remember looking up at the sky and it was just so clear. The moon was out, and all the stars were so bright; the air was so crisp and I think at that moment I realized that I was going to meet my baby in a few hours. It brought me to tears.

Shane and I didn’t talk much on the drive in, or if we did, I don’t remember about what. I told him just the other day that I think my mind went into panic shut down mode. It was preparing itself for the worst thing to happen again, because why would anything be different this time? It’s like a defense mechanism. I remember bits and pieces of things; coming into downtown and seeing it al lit up, exiting to the Hospital, parking our car in a really good parking spot. I also remember vividly stepping out of the elevator on the 6th floor and seeing “Labor and Delivery”, and walking through the double doors.

There wasn’t a single person in the waiting room at 5:30 am obviously, so we walked right up to the counter and were registered. Within 10 minutes we were walked through the doors leading to the prep room. It felt unreal. How was this happening already? I didn’t know how I was going to feel when everything started to happen, but I was oddly calm. The nurses came in and got things rolling for me. They hooked Alden up to the monitor so we could hear her, asked me about 10,000 questions and then one nurse started my IV. I hate IV’s. I’m pretty sure getting an IV is probably one of the worst things in life (OBVIOUSLY an exaggeration but damn do they hurt). 

I had Shane take one final bump picture of me. Here I am at 37 weeks, ready to meet this sweet girl.

While we were waiting it seemed like time was passing so quickly. First it was 5:30 and we were walking back to the room to prepare us for surgery. The next thing I knew we were being wheeled TO surgery at 8:00 am. Everything seems to be a giant blur, and again, I think it’s my brain shutting down to avoid being hurt again. They gave Shane something resembling a painters suit, and a bright orange face mask to wear. We walked to the OR, and when there Shane had to sit outside and wait for everything to be prepped (later he would tell me he sat out there for nearly 30 minutes waiting on them to get things ready). I remember there being tons of doctors in the room with us, all of them introducing themselves to me (like I’m gonna remember who you are…? andplusalso why in gods name do there need to be legit 10 doctors in there? Plus nurses! Any modesty I may have had has long been gone so I don’t really care).  

The Anesthesiologist was starting to work on my Spinal. He’s running his hands up and down my spine, not gently or in a massaging manner by any means. It really actually hurt a lot. I guess when you have a super large asian man shoving his finger tips into your spinal cord it’s bound to be pretty unpleasant.  I had to lean over and hold onto another doctor who started talking about my fingernail polish to distract me. Sorry dude, can’t distract from the giant poke I’m anticipating in about 2.5 seconds. The anesthesiologist says “ok you’re going to feel a big poke” (yep), and “this may hurt a little” (yep again. feels like a wire hanger being shoved up my spinal cord- no big deal). I’m pretty sure it didn’t work the first time, or he wasn’t satisfied with how it worked. It seemed to take him FOR.EVER. to get me numb. Maybe it was just me being anxious but I’m like dude…

So once I was nice and numb (read: after he used something sharp to poke my legs and I couldn’t feel anything) they moved me back to the other bed and started prep on everything. My doctor came in and they let Shane back in.

 We had a nurse taking photos with my phone for us, and we were told that Shane could look over the drapes (he didn’t). I started to feel nauseous and they gave me some meds that wouldn’t make me drowsy. They also had me hooked up to oxygen and I still don’t really know why to be honest. They told me if I felt nauseous to tell them and they would give me more meds; I remember telling them about 3 times I felt pretty sick.

The doctors announced that they were starting and off we went. At one point I remember hearing a nurse or someone saying “Oh my gosh I can see your baby moving. We’re almost there”. I’m not sure how long it took but at 8:59 am I heard the most beautiful cry I’ve ever heard. Alden was here! She was 19.2 inches long, and weighed a whopping 9lbs 8 oz. She had blondish red hair.  

She had a fluid filled cry because she was a c-section, and when they took her to the table to check her out it was determined that her oxygen levels were low. She had to wear a CPAP machine and was taken to the NICU. I remember them wheeling her out and yelling to Shane to go with her and not leave her side. The rest is kind of a blur. I remember random things; the Anesthesiologist grabbing me by the arm a few times and telling me to take deep breaths. I guess my heart rate got up pretty high even though I felt fine (I mean, as ok as I could be? IDK).  

Here is where I get foggy. I don’t remember where they put me after Surgery. I don’t know how long I was away from Shane and Alden, but I remember getting a drink of water finally after like 12 freakin hours of no food or water. I remember my nurse wheeling my entire bed into the NICU to see Alden. We passed through the waiting room where my entire family was and I remember seeing Landon. I know that I probably kissed him, but I can’t remember. The NICU nurses were so kind to us, and they let her come off her machine to lay on my chest. It was amazing to see what this did; her O2 levels jumped up to 99% while she laid there breathing on my bare chest. 

I’m not sure how long we stayed there, but I remember being wheeled out of the NICU and feeling sick. I made the nurse stop and knew I was going to throw up. She quickly found me a bucket and sure enough, I threw up. I only threw up the water I had chugged earlier.

When we were back in a room (on the same floor as L&D because apparently I was a sleep apnea risk? I have no idea why or what they were basing that off of, but whatever) I remember my whole family being there and trying to wake up so that I could socialize with them. I was just so tired and couldn’t come out of it. Landon kept coming over to me and wanting to hug me and get up in bed with me. I remember letting him climb in bed with me, but telling him to watch out cus I had a cut on my belly.

Landon wasn’t allowed to go into the NICU to see Alden due to Flu risk currently, and I didn’t want anyone else to go in and see her first. I knew Landon was just bursting at the seams to see her, so it wasn’t fair that someone else see her first. What everyone decided was that they would all go down to the NICU and the nurse would meet them at the sliding glass doors so they could see her through the glass. I couldn’t go and that made me extremely sad. I had been wanting to see this moment for a long time, and I was pretty sad I couldn’t experience it. It was recorded for me though, and it was the best thing I have ever watched. He loves her so much, and to see the look on his face when Shane walked him up to those doors to see her was just too much for my heart to handle. I’m pretty sure my heart just burst with love and joy.

After everyone left, I told the nurses I wanted to go see her in the NICU. They took my catheter out and they let Shane wheel me down there. We were able to sit with her for about two hours and cuddle on her. 

They said they were going to probably keep her over night for observation and suggested we get some rest. Right, cus I’m going to be able to rest in the hospital while 50 different nurses come in and out all night, AND your child is in the NICU. Sure…I’ll get some great sleep.  

In the morning they moved us upstairs to our new room. About 30 minutes after we got settled in they wheeled her in to our room to stay with us. I was so happy to see her squishy little face. We were hoping to leave on Friday, but it turns out that she ended up losing 10.3% instead of less than 10% of her body weight so we were made to stay another night.

Saturday morning we were able to be discharged. We got home Saturday afternoon around 2pm I think. 

Alden is amazing. She had a really rough first night at home; I was up with her for 5 solid hours the first night. She would eat, and be awake for an entire hour. It seemed like all she did was eat, wanna hang out wide awake, and by the time she was tired again it was time to eat! So, thankfully we’ve kind of figured out a little schedule. She’s been waking up every 2.5-3 hours to eat, and is pretty good at falling back to sleep. My mom came down to stay from Friday until this past Wednesday. It felt good knowing she was here to help us out with everything, and to help us transition at home.

It’s weird being the mom of a newborn again. After 6 years, it just feels so new. Everything just floods back to you, but it feels different this time. Shane and I are more established, and I think we’re better able to handle the fatigue. Also, Landon was a crazy baby so there’s that…

To say that we are in love is quite the understatement, but I’m not sure there are words for what we are feeling. Alden is so loved, and she is so incredibly wanted. I cannot wait to tell her about our journey to her.

 

I keep setting these lofty goals to write a post about the day Alden was born, yet it just doesn’t happen. 

I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m confused. I’m frustrated. I don’t want to eat. I want to sleep all day. My heart is more full of joy than I seriously ever thought possible, yet I can look at her and cry immediately because I’m also more sad than I expected. 

Pregnancy after loss. Rainbow baby. These terms seem mild mannered one could say, yet they seem to be cutting my heart up like knives. This rainbow baby, while I’m over the fucking moon to have her here, is just that- a rainbow baby- a child born after a loss. I lost my first daughter; my first daughter died inside of me and I will never forgive myself for not knowing something was wrong. 

This is incredibly difficult to navigate; it can resemble the early days after losing Kenley which really scares me. The intense sadness for K is here and maybe more front and center now that Alden is here alive? I’m not sure if that’s the right way to describe it or not. All I know is that life after loss will always be just that. Life after the loss of my first born daughter. 

I’m almost hesitant to say how I truly feel, in fear that people might think me ungrateful or that I don’t love Alden. Actually it’s the exact opposite- I love her more then the air I breathe and I am thankful every second for her. I’m pretty sure everyone knows that though. 

I love watching Alden sleep. I could do it all day. She is so full of personality already and I can’t wait to watch her grow into a little person who talks and wants to play toys and read books. 

She is 8 days old. She sleeps a lot. She wakes  up 4 times a night to eat. She loves being swaddled. She is so alert, and knows our voices. 

I love this squishy babe so much. Forever thankful for her. 

My sweet Alden, 

Tomorrow morning we will be meeting you as you are taken from my body by the doctor who brought us so much comfort during your pregnancy. 

She was the one who found the cause of your big sister’s death. She, for lack of better explanation, probably saved your life. I cannot wait to see her take you from my body, and hear your cry. I’m pretty sure we will all cry as well. 

You are so wanted, and I believe you know that. I want to thank you for moving all day today, and this past week. You’ve made this a little easier on my sanity. Your dad and I are so wound up and anxious; we just need you here in our arms, screaming bloody murder. Your dad is more worked up than I am, if that’s possible. I can’t wait to see him holding you and giving you kisses. He is the best daddy, just wait- you’ll see. 

I will always wish your sister and you could play and grow together, but I know she is with us. She gave me plenty of signs today! 

I picked up my phone at 10:32, and it just happens to be Tuesday; she was born on a warm Tuesday in December at that time. 

I walked into my closet this afternoon and the shirt I was wearing when I learned she was gone literally fell from the closet onto my back. A friend says that is her telling me that she’s got my back through this and I believe that 100%. 

I cannot wait to see your beautiful face, and to see the look on your brothers face when he meets you for the first time. There is going to be no greater joy in my life than that moment. 

I can’t wait to love you on the outside! 

I love you more than you could ever know, 

Mommy 

Our last NST went perfectly! I took my last lovenox shot tonight, too!  Alden decided to give us a little “duck lips” pout at our amniotic fluid scan so I hope you enjoy! 

(The picture is a profile view)

Tomorrow Shane and I are going to pack our hospital bags up, and finish a few things around the house. My mom and step dad are coming tomorrow night. 

Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday, so wish her Happy Birthday cus I know she’s reading! I love you momma, thank you for taking such good care of us this past year and a half. I’m so lucky to have you. 

Here’s to another sleepless night….

Come on Wednesday! 

Shane installed the car seat tonight. 

Tomorrow is my last NST, and my last lovenox shot. 

Shits getting real! 

Landon’s so excited and nervous. He keeps telling me his belly hurts. I just want to scoop him up and tell him everything will be ok, and while I do just that, I find it hard to believe it myself. 

Wednesday needs to hurry up. I need to see you, sweet little girl. 

This has to happen. You are so wanted.