We had therapy this morning as usual, and I always leave us so exhausted. It is so incredibly hard to sit there for an hour and talk about Kenley. It inevitably always turns to sadness, or things surrounding her death that make me so incredibly mad. Today we were talking about how I like to destress. Our Therapist asked if I was the type of person who believed in “visualization” of something- If you imagine it for long enough, and hard enough that maybe it will come to fruition. Well, I’m not that type of person…at all. I’m a very matter of fact person. If I am pregnant, it’s because this bundle of cells that the RE implanted into my uterus attached to my uterine lining- that’s all. SCIENCE.
I cannot visualize that and make it happen.
Anyway, we talked about that and I told her that I feel like I’ve been better about not randomly crying anymore. Shane chimed in and said that he sees a big improvement in my attitude and tolerance toward babies (I don’t agree with him though). He referenced the GoT episode we watched last night in which a baby cried for literally 3-5 minutes of the segment. He said he saw me pick up the remote control like I was going to mute it (I actually did pick it up to mute it but then the show ended). He said it was frustrating to him as well and he could it tell it bothered me. He didn’t mention it to me at the time during the show, but he said it today. I told him that he should have muted it because 9/10 we are feeling the same exact thing- I just don’t have a filter and say what I feel.
Then, the Therapist said ” Of course that is hard for you two, you didn’t get to hear Kenley cry. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be, or how people expect it to be.” And I lost my shit. I started crying pretty hard. It’s true, I didn’t get to hear her cry; I NEVER WILL. I grew this beautiful human inside of me and I will never get to hear her sweet cry. Things from there just went to more sad things- her nursery, using her things for future baby, moving and being faced with the feelings of leaving her only home behind. It’s just bullshit- all of it.
Back to decompressing/ destressing- I told her that meditation and things like that don’t work for me. Destressing comes from hanging out with Shane. He is my best friend and being with him is relaxing. When we go on a date, or watch tv and hang out it’s literally the best time for me. Nothing else calms me down more than being with him. He’s like my giant safety blanket I guess. So anyway, today just sucked. I have a love hate relationship with therapy.
We got home and went to the grocery store, and I passed the pregnancy tests. I decided not to buy any right now because they’re so freakin expensive. $20 for a pack of 3? Like I haven’t spent enough money already, people. My blood test to tell if I’m pregnant is Wednesday at 9am. Some (most) people test at home before their blood draw so they know what to expect. I’m pretty sure I will do that…but I guess that means I need to buy a test before Friday. Can someone just knock me out, and wake me up Wednesday after my results are back? Kthx.
So far I’m feeling tired; I think it’s probably from my PIO shots. I’ve been having cramping since the procedure, but I figure that’s probably normal, too. Yesterday night I got so hot that I had to take my robe off in the middle of Game of Thrones and stand there cooling off. It was like a serious hot flash.With Kenley I was sick immediately. She implanted, and I was sick until the day I had her; I threw up the morning she was born. If this baby has implanted, I assume that I will be sick again. Maybe that is why I’ve been feeling nauseous today? A girl can hope, right?
Landons kindergarten school list is up; Cue allllll the tears. I can’t believe my little baby boy is going to be in kindergarten. It blows my mind how fast life goes by. When I was a kid it felt like life moved so slowly; the summers felt twice as long as they actually were.
I don’t want him to grow up. I want to hold him forever and never let him go. But, that’s not possible and he hates to be held these days because he’s “a boy now”.
I guess it’s extra hard because Kenley was supposed to be here. I imagined him coming home to us and telling us all about his day, and explaining to his sister what he did that day. I saw him running off the bus into my arms with Kenley in my other arm. He would be so excited to see her and give her kisses. He would talk in baby talk to her, in his cute little high pitched baby voice that he speaks to other babies in.
It was to our time, mine and Kenley’s. We would share our day, and I would be able to soak in my time with her. I just had so many plans for us…and I ache for them to actually happen. I know they never can and never will. That’s what the hardest part is.
Landon just keeps on getting older, growing up into a little man, and Kenley never gets to take one breath.
Life is cruel.
There’s a saying in the infertility world- PUPO (Pregnant until proven otherwise).
Well, that’s what I am 💜
Everything went well, and our embaby survived the thaw beautifully. The embryo was expanding as they like to see.
Now we wait for our blood draw next Wednesday ❤
Snuggle in for the long haul, little one. You are so loved and wanted.
Tomorrow is transfer day. If you have any positive vibes to spare, send them our way– they’re great appreciated. I’m both excited and completely anxiety ridden. I know that my sweet girl will be watching over us as we transfer her sibling. I know she will be with us while this sibling hopefully grows into a beautiful baby that we can love here on earth. I know that she will be with me forever, because she is me. She is my soul, and the breath that I breathe. She is the reason I wake up every morning. I hope that I’m making her proud and that she knows how incredibly loved she is.
I love you more than I was ever able to show you Kenley. You’ll always be my sweet baby girl.
I started my PIO (progesterone in oil) shots the other day, and for some reason they hurt really bad this time. After my egg retrieval my RE had me start the same shots “just incase” our embryos sucked and didn’t make it to day 5 for PGS (can you tell my Dr has like, zero faith in my body? I don’t blame him, really) and they didn’t hurt at all! Shane was a pro then, maybe he’s just rusty. He says when he’s doing it this time there is resistance. Yeah…I know. I feel it.
I watched a few videos today of others giving themselves the shots, and I feel like I could do it but I figure we’ll give it one more shot with Shane doing it. I think tonight when he gets home, I will warm the oil by rolling it in my palms for a few minutes, and have him give me the shot while I’m laying down.
( * I ended up holding the vial of progesterone for a while to warm it up, which made the withdrawal so much easier. Once the syringe was filled I held it in my hand for another 5 mins and laid on my bed when Shane gave me the injection. Perfection! Didn’t even feel the shot at all *)
For those who don’t know about PIO, it’s to support the uterine lining during the luteal phase of a FET (frozen egg transfer) or a fresh transfer.
The set up looks like this (not my photo):
And the shots go here:If our embryo sticks, and we are indeed pregnant, we will continue this for 12 weeks. TWELVE. Every. single. night. I’m sorry – I know I should feel so pumped and excited, but it’s just not that simple anymore. I’ve lost my naivety toward the situation; I know too much.
I know what can go wrong if your hormone levels are off, or if you start spotting. I know that you can have an ectopic pregnancy and lose a tube, or an ovary, or fucking die. I know that your cervix can “not do it’s job” and you can lose your baby at any time even when you think you’ve past the scary points. I know that, even a week before you’re scheduled to have a normal repeat C-section, you can hear the words that will shatter your world forever; “This is where her heart is, and unfortunetly there is no heartbeat”. I know that you can truly feel like you want to die for the foreseeable future because your child died inside of you when you were in the clear; your daughter died when she shouldn’t have.
Those things could happen to us again. Any of them could be a possibility and I hate that I even have to worry about it. I know that we will be monitored so intensely, but my mind just goes back to “well, shouldn’t I have been monitored this well anyway? I am growing a human for fucks sake”. Sadly, that’s not the case. Monitoring for normal pregnancies is a joke. I had a shitty NINE MINUTE (yes, nine minutes…normal scans can range from 20 mins to an hour for some people) anatomy scan, an intake scan at a new OB that was probably 25-30 minutes long, and a scan at 36.5 weeks…and somehow, no one detected a possibly anomaly with Kenley’s cord. Maybe, just maybe, if a Biophysical Profile Ultrasound was done on me my daughter would be here. Maybe, if my doctors sent me to an MFM because of my history with Preeclampsia, they would have done one on me. I should have been sent to an MFM. I was failed by doctors. All of my doctors failed us during Kenley’s pregnancy.
There is a standard of care, and a general guideline to follow when sending your patient to an MFM…and I ticked many boxes, yet I wasn’t sent.
I will never forgive myself for not advocating harder for my Daughter.
The medical field needs to get their shit together. 26,000 stillbirths a year, and yet we just can’t figure it out?
Medicine failed my sweet girl, and it’s hard to believe that anything positive could happen for us now.
Since Kenley’s death I have truly realized who my true friends are. Totally clichè, right? Nope. It’s true. When she died, I received my first card from Megan Ricahrdson. I love this girl, to this day, and I haven’t talked to her in probably 10-11 years, yet somehow she was the first one to send us a card.
We received flowers from my graduating class (thanks guys), and cards from people I grew up knowing, worked woth through the years, and some I just recently met. All these people were hurting along side us. The outpouring of love was amazing. My best friend from high school’s mom sent us a sleeping angel garden statue just very recently and it’s so comforting to know people are still thinking of us…of my sweet girl. It doesn’t hurt us to talk about her, or receive cards, or letters about her. We love these things. They make us feel closer to Kenley.
The greatest amount of love has come from my tribe. The women who have been there through it all with us. The women who, no matter what, get it. They understand if I can’t talk to them because I’m guarding my heart, or if I want to just talk about Kenley for hours on end. They will listen and reply to me until I am talked out.
Immediately after K died, numerous people offered to fly to me from all parts of the states. Just to be with me and let me grieve the loss of my daughter.
These women tell me to protect myself and remind me that I am a good person. They sent us the most amazing package after Kenley’s death. The amount of love and kindness that went into this gift was far beyond anything I could ever imagine.
They have held me up, held my hand though tons of things, and continue to walk beside me through these terrible days. They don’t need to reach out to me every single day, yet they do. They don’t need to send me random “thinking of you” gifts, yet I’m always getting lovely things in the mail. Someone always lets me know they’re thinking of my sweet daughter.
They could have all left my side after things got hard, but they haven’t. They tell me they miss Kenley, too. They tell me how much she is thought of, how much they love her. They treat my heart carefully and come to me with such care about certain things in their lives that they think will trigger me.
And I’m so thankful for each and every one of them.
If you are part of/have been a part of TCF, or the old place, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
CAL, CAR, 3T, LTL, PAIF, PAL…and my amazing Jan 16 BMB…
Your love and support has meant more to me than I could ever explain in a million lifetimes.
I am so thankful to be part of a community of women who are the best on this planet. I truly believe I will have you as friends for the rest of my life.
You are my Tribe, and I love you.
I already posted once today, but I have to post this…
If you are trying to conceive at any phase in your life PLEASE do not use the term “baby dust” to wish people good luck.
I have been creepin around IG and this is all I keep seeing on these women’s accounts about trying. It makes me want to throw up when people say it.
Some of us actually have our baby’s dust…think before you speak.
Five days until Transfer.
It seems so unreal. I feel like I’ve been standing outside of someones house watching their life for the past almost 7 months. Somedays it feels like there is no way this can me my life. Then, somedays, it feels like there is no way this isn’t my life. Sometimes I hate every second of life, and sometimes I remind myself that (all things considered) it’s not so bad.
I have a wonderful son.
I have a Husband who would do anything for me; who would give me anything I ever wanted if I asked him to.
I have a beautiful home.
And hopefully on Monday I’ll be carrying our next child.
It’s all still so unreal…everything feels so different, every single day.
Sometimes, I just wanna throw this picture in life’s face…