The closer we get to beta day, the more weird I feel. Weird in the way that I don’t know how to feel. If my betas are positive, I’m going to be happy obviously, but I’m sure I will feel a gazillion other emotions along with the happiness. I’ve talked at length about this before in other posts. 

What I’m really afraid of is…the rest of my life from here on out. I know some might think this to be dramatic, but you have no room to judge. I will forever be figuring out a way to give this new baby (hopefully, if we’re pregnant) all of my love with a broken heart; with a gigantic piece of my soul missing. Tell me how a mother does this? How???

This new baby will live in Kenley’s room which is a huge trigger for me right now. I can’t even think of putting another baby in there, but I have no other choice. We could move, and I won’t lie, we’ve honestly though about it. I would feel bad moving, but also like I was releasing myself of guilt in some weird way. I asked Landon if he wanted to switch rooms and he could take the nursery. I told him we would repaint it for him and make it however he wanted. His reply?  ” but that’s Kenleys nursery”…

Ouch, my heart. 

How will he feel to see that nursery torn down, and a new one created for a new baby? I don’t know what will happen if we are pregnant. I don’t know how we will feel as a family. It’s all such uncharted territory and I find myself feeling more scared than sad lately.