As I reached for the toothpaste while showering today, the two bottles caught my eye – travel size shampoo and conditioner. They’ve been staring at me for nearly 2 years, and I have yet to take them out of my shower caddy. They are long empty, and I haven’t touched them since I used the last of both in an attempt to keep my hair smelling the way it did when I last held my sweet Kenley.
I stare at them every time I take a shower.
I can’t toss them out.
I often wonder if Shane thinks I’m insane for not touching them; for leaving them in the exact same place as they have been for so long. Part of me thinks he knows it would break my heart if he threw them away so he doesn’t touch them, but another part of me wonders if he’s even noticed them lying there. I can’t say I’d blame him for either, honestly.
The bottles are the ones I packed in my hospital bag to take when Kenley was born. Travel size shampoo and conditioner that I don’t use on a regular basis, strictly for the hospital. Only enough for a few washes. I remember the shower I took the night after I had her.
Shane had to undress me, and help me wash my body.
I brushed my teeth through tears.
I cried more.
I cried from my soul. A sound I will never ever forget.
He washed my hair.
He dried me off and helped me get dressed again.
He walked me to the bed where our daughter was laying in her bassinet – forever asleep.
The smell of the shampoo and conditioner, like watermelon I remember Shane saying, still hits me like a ton of bricks if I’m around someone who has used it. If I see it in the store, I look away. Those bottles are going to stay in my shower caddy until who knows when.
It’s just one of those things…if you’ve lost a child I’m sure you have one. Maybe you can’t listen to a certain song, or you are superstitious about doing something that you did on the day your baby died.
It can be anything.
It can be big. It can be small.
It can even be shampoo.