As I sit here at my last NST, listening to Rowan’s beautiful little heart beating away, I can’t help but feel some sadness. Sadness that Kenley never was given an NST and that had I had one, she may have been saved.

It’s always going to weigh heavy in my heart that had we just gone in on the 26th and had an NST maybe they could have saved her. The guilt, the anxiety over not going, it’s all still really prevalent in my brain and I don’t think that’s gonna change ever.

Alden’s NSTs were always so perfect and for the most part Rowan’s have been too. Of course we would be given super awesome monitoring when the babies are perfect. It’s so frustrating. I wish all patients would have NSTs. It doesn’t seem like something that should be skipped. I’ll never understand.

I can’t believe she will be here in two days. Then I will have two children under the age of one for 12 days. It’s insane to think about. My little Irish twins. We’ve planned out Alden’s first birthday party, and I’m pretty sure I have everything I need at the house for it.

This is just a jumble of thoughts while I relax and enjoy hearing her.

Two days. I just can’t believe it!