I wish this blog post title was more significant than a song name, but it’s not. There are no mountains being moved here; same old me, same old grief. Actually, the grief seems to be getting…weird and different.
Today, while driving to pick Landon up from school I passed a funeral procession. Pretty terrible thing to pass, honestly. I hate that I immediately felt sad and thought about who died, but mostly I felt sad. I was overwhelmed.
I was listening to a song I had forgotten about that randomly popped into my head so I found it on youtube on my drive. It really really moves me. I used to listen to it stupidly loud in my car on my way to work when I lived in Troy.
Landon was conceived and born in Troy. I had friends in Troy. I was normal in Troy. I didn’t have a dead child. Things were less complicated, yet at the same time they weren’t. I don’t know. It’s so frustrating.
As the song boomed over my speakers, and I sat at the top of the hill able to see all of the cars in the funeral procession, I couldn’t help but cry. I couldn’t stop myself. I don’t know these people…yet I’ve been those people. Who knows? Maybe they lost their child, but I doubt it. It seems like I’m the only person who has lost a healthy full term baby, I swear to god.
I couldn’t watch the cars go by. I looked out the passenger side window. I wonder if anyone noticed me intentionally looking the other way. All I could think was ” I didn’t give her a funeral and she fucking deserved it.”
She deserved at least that, and I didn’t give it to her.
I hate that I even thought that. I don’t want to think that. I don’t want to have to worry about it.
Should I have given her a funeral? How are you supposed to know what to do in that situation?
Lately I’ve noticed myself being triggered about a lot of things. I guess even at nearly 26 months out, it still stings like the day it happened.
I’m 3 years out…I react the same.
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I keep thinking about the before lately. Who I was. Who you were. I don’t even know that person anymore.
It’s okay to look away. Sometimes you just need to survive the damn day.
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