Landon spent the last weekend with my mom, and came home with pinkeye. Ugh. He has been on antibiotic drops for the 24 hrs deemed necessary by his dr and went back to school today. 

Shane and I spent the entire day together. We went to breakfast, then to pick up a filing cabinet. We even drove the shitty truck. 

Then, we got home and watched an episode of a show we’re binging on. After that we decided we needed to go shopping to try and finish up Christmas. We spent the afternoon at target. Then, before we went home we went to babies r us. I tried out a few gliders and we decided on one that we like. 

After that we came home and had a chance to relax before Landon got home. 

Days like today mean so much to me. They are special because they aren’t, if that makes any sense. We didn’t do anything special- we just spent time together. I am so lucky to have a husband who loves me. I have wicked wrinkles on my face, and I just don’t give a shit because they’re all from laughing at my husband. He is hilarious and amazing. 

I bought him a Christmas gift even though I told him I wouldn’t, and now he’s mad because he doesn’t have anytime to find me something. But…he doesn’t realize that he gives me a gift like every single day. Spending the day with him is fun for me…laying on the couch watching tv is relaxing…he is my safe place. He is what calms me down. He gives me what I need, so gifts are unnessacary. 

I’ve been collecting/buying sleepers to donate to the hospital where we had Kenley. I’ve had 3 people donate them to me, and I’m so thankful for them. It’s amazing to see what people are capable of when something is done out of love. I’m just going to keep looking for deals on them, and buy them up until I’m ready to take them to the hospital. 

So far I have 19 sleepers, 4 of which are not here and will be preemie sized. I need to buy some more of that size. 

Shane has been on board since day one with pretty much whatever I decide to do RE: giving to the hospital. Another gift that he gives me is allowing my heart to be generous. I’m sure there are men who wouldn’t be on board with their wife spending the families money on sleepers to just give away, but he knows me. He knows that this is healing me. He knows how happy it makes my heart to mother Kenley in any way possible. 

He supports me…and that’s the greatest gift of all. 

We purchased two large photos in memory of Kenley to be hung in the room we spent all our time with her, and another room. We have been putting having them hung at the hospital off for a long time because we just weren’t ready to go back there. We both decided it wasn’t right for us to go into the hospital and witness them being hung up, so we gave the go ahead to the hospital to hang them without us. 

Both photos are engraved with a different plaque that we requested. 

Seeing the room again, even on photos, cut like a knife. 

I miss her. I want her back. I’m so sad without her. It’s all so unfair, and I HATE the thought of Christmas without her. 

However, I think I’ve come up with an idea to honor her memory every year around her birthday. This year I am just trying to make ANYTHING happen- i.e., the care bags, the hats, the sleepers etc. But next year, id like to reach out and ask the hospital what they are in need of, and take up donations for that thing. I want to do this every year…in honor and in memory of Kenley. It could be books for the NICU, or clothes, or binkies. Whatever they need, I want to help with, in Kenley’s name. 

I think it’s a great way to really make her day mean something to everyone whom participates in donation, and who will be helped by the donations. 

I love her so much, and I wish so badly she were here. 

Mommy misses you, sweet girl. Two weeks exactly until your first birthday. 

My god, how I wish things were different.