five years ago today

Five years ago today I found out that our third IUI worked and I was pregnant with my second child. FINALLY. After nearly 3 years of fertility treatments, and drug after drug after drug I was going to hopefully get to keep this baby.

Five years ago.

1/2 the time that I have been married to the love of my life.

How is it possible that something as tragic as losing a CHILD has made me love my husband more than before? I don’t know and I don’t understand but that seems to be par for the course these days; not understanding is a running theme for my life.

I don’t think that anyone will ever understand why certain things happen to certain people and not others. I don’t WANT someone to lose their baby, ever. But, it just seems like every single person that I know who has lost a baby, is the best person ever. It’s unfair. I have internet loss friends, who I now consider to be my best friends, that have stable jobs, and homes, make enough money to provide anything a child could need or want, and hearts big enough to give a baby all the love in the entire world…yet their babies died.

I haven’t written in a long time.

I’m busy.

It’s an excuse; I don’t want to open that part of my heart up most days, honestly. I’m sad. I have bad days. I have A LOT of bad days. I have moments where I want to give up, days even. Most of the time I don’t even get dressed or do my makeup for the day. I am just existing. Even before lock down. I know that part of it is the fact that I stay home with the kids, and that’s fine, but I have zero desire to do much of anything. Ever.

I don’t want to wake up.

I don’t want to clean, or do chores.

I don’t want to play with the kids.

I want to sit and zone out.

Shane has made jokes about me standing at the kitchen island because that’s all that I do anymore. He asked me to do something with him the other day and I said I didn’t want to because I didn’t like that specific thing, and he joked “well if we did what you wanted, we would just stand at the island for a few hours.”

And he’s right.

I stand here all day…mind zoned out, literally thinking about nothing and feeling like I’m in a fog ALL day.

I am on medication, but I’m not sure that it’s working. The doctor gave me another medication to take on top of my current one, but it makes me so tired. Being more tired than I feel currently means that I am unable to function.

Kenley’s death has changed so much of me. Like literally all of me. I’m a different person for many reasons now. In this unfortunate after life that I’m forced to live forever with out her, I am a shell. I am foggy, and grief ridden and sad 80-90% of the time. I hate it so much because I loved our life for so long, and now…I love it, but I feel like an outsider.

Don’t get me wrong (because I know a lot of you probably read this and think I want to die–I don’t) I love my life with Shane and the kids SO much. We have so many things that I am so thankful for, and that bring me so much joy, but I constantly feel a rain cloud over my head. I don’t know how to explain it. Imagine living every single day, from start to finish, when it’s raining, and gloomy outside. No sunshine except like a few days in every month. Rain is beautiful and relaxing, but sometimes you need a fucking break from it and you need to feel the sunshine on your skin to make you feel alive again.

Grief is like living in a rainstorm. You can’t fucking change it…It’s gonna rain. That’s just the weather, and you gotta deal until it stops…

I just miss her. I miss the things I didn’t get to do with her. I miss what my life would have been with her. I miss who I would have been had she survived.

I’ve said it 10,000 times before and I’ll say it again…It’s so god damn unfair.



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