So…life has been…hectic? I don’t even know if that’s the right word honestly–terrifying, awful, exciting, busy, slow, fast…the list goes on. Shane returns to work on Thursday and I’m frankly terrified. Not sure how it will all go down being here alone with the 3 kids…but, it is what it is.

I never imagined being the Mother of 3 living children; I saw two children, both of whom survived birth and lived a wonderful life full of happiness, marriages and babies. But, instead the hand we were dealt includes getting pregnant on the first try, followed by infertility, miscarriages, a dead daughter, a $23,000 IVF journey and rounding us out, a “less than 2% chance” natural miracle baby. Life gives zero fucks about what you actually want. Pretty sure a bunch of random life events were thrown into a hat and someone randomly chose like 10 for me and now, that’s how my story goes…

Let me say that I realize saying I “never imagined having 3 kids” makes me sound like a terrible person to some people, but this is the truth. This is my life and this is my space to write how I truly feel and I feel that this is an important subject. Just because I say I never imagined being a mother to 3 living children doesn’t mean that I am not extremely in love with all of my kids. I know myself and my limits and I am pretty sure 2 kids was my max at one point hence only wanting 2… But now? Now I know that I will mother the shit out of my 3 kids and they will have a wonderful life. My children will always know they are loved, and VERY much wanted.

I am so thankful for Rowan. Like, when I think about the miracle that she is my heart just bursts. I love her so much. Sure, it’s been difficult and my postpartum emotions have been very weird this time. She looks just like Kenley with her dark hair and dark complexion. My heart was very confused at first, and admittedly it still is. It all feels so weird.

Last night I decided I wanted to sit with her and let her nurse while Shane and I watched a movie. I have been trying to stop nursing because I will not have time when Shane goes back to work. I enjoyed the bonding we had during the movie last night so I decided to nurse her over night and most of today as well. I need to decide how I want to proceed from here, but what’s important is that I wanted to nurse her. It didn’t feel forced and unpleasant as it had in the few days before.

This is real life. Postpartum emotions are no joke. How do you think it makes me feel inside when I can’t understand why I’m struggling to feel a connection to a tiny helpless human who I carried for 37 weeks? This tiny little girl is so very wanted, and so loved, so why am I feeling these things? Hormones, man. I’ll tell ya.

Shane has been reminding me that I felt this way when we brought Alden home from the hospital as well. I don’t remember feeling that way, and honestly thinking back and even half way believing I felt them makes me so sad because I love Alden so much and could never imagine feeling those things. I know that these feelings aren’t truly my own, and I know that Rowan is the perfect finishing piece to our family. I just don’t think people talk about it as much as they should.

Sure I feel upset when she cries, or I’m so tired that I cry, or I can’t find time to shower or remember if I ate anything that day, but postpartum feelings are so much different than that. They are so much more; so uncontrollable and indescribable. I think women feel ashamed of the way they feel which is why most women don’t talk about it or seek out help if they need it. I know it’s not my fault for feeling extra sad or whatever…and having those emotions on top of everything else that I’ve been through since 2012 seems extra cruel…life has been a shit sundae and postpartum feelings/emotions are just the cherry on top.