more randoms. 

• The painters come Tuesday and every time I think about them painting over Kenley’s wall color I want to throw up. 

• All these women protesting photos on IG make me wish I could have gone and showed up for equality. I just still cannot believe the outcome of this election. It, like the above, makes me want to throw up. 

• I love my husband so fucking much. He went to work at 5:30am, came home and went outside with Landon to let him ride his 4 wheeler, then took Landon to the grocery store and did ALL the shopping, and finally he ran me a bath this evening. He is so loving and thoughtful. He always tells me he would do anything for me, and I have never doubted him in my life, and I never will. 

• I’m becoming increasingly uncomfortable in my body; my organs are being shoved all over and it’s hard to get a deep breath and I’m starving (but have no room for food). 

• I really need to organize my house. Landon’s birthday party is coming up, and it’s like a disaster. This is because of my grief. For example: I started sweeping my floors yesterday. I did HALF of my living room floor and quit. The sweeper is still plugged in, in the living room sitting there. Can’t. Handle. It.  Grief is the absolute worst because it makes me feel unable to participate in life or be productive. 

• Shane finally agreed to go test drive new cars! We went to the Acura dealer first because, dream car! We drove a 2017 Acura MDX and I’m in love. Even though we can afford it, I feel like the smart thing is to wait until baby comes. Because well…last time fucked up everyone  pretty bad and I just don’t want to deal with the fear of buying a new car jinxing this pregnancy. Once again, grief is irrational. 

• I’ve been feeling sort of alone lately. Not physically alone, because I never am, but like…in my grief? It’s so isolating. I think you could put me in a room with other people who lost their children and I would still feel so alone. Every one grieves differently and I think that is why it’s so hard. I don’t know if that even makes sense. 

• I need to stay off CAR (carrying a rainbow) . MENTAL NOTE: DO. NOT. OPEN. THAT. FORUM. It’s just too much. I go there when I feel like I’m having a good day and every god damn time there is another intro by someone who had a baby when Kenley was born. Can’t handle that. 

• I received a beautiful gift basket from someone on TCF yesterday. It came out of the blue and really made me feel loved. The card spoke of Kenley and how much she is loved. I am so lucky to have friends I’ve never met loving her so hard. She’s super lucky. 

• My new fetal doppler came today. I spent about 20 minutes listening to her this afternoon. It no longer comforts me…I’m just waiting to stop hearing it at any minute. 

• I seriously keep worrying that my lovenox isn’t working. That somehow, something terrible is going to happen again. There is no way to tell if it’s truly working (rationally I know it is). 

• I keep looking at rainbow baby outfits for the hospital. I’ve found a few that I love, but, I don’t feel like I can buy them. I’m too scared. 

• I’m binge watching the office…again. Jim and Pam’s wedding episode was tonight. Cue all the tears- favorite episode ever. 

• I need a new planner to keep track of all the doctors appointments I’ve got coming up. The planner I want is at a store in the “sorta” ghetto and I don’t feel like going alone. 

And yeah. That’s about all I got.