A friend from my support board sent this to me the other day. We had been discussing moving through grief. I’ve notice myself feeling in a bad fog on some days, and absolutely terrible on others lately. This picture just really hit home to me. I think I’m looking at my grief trying to find a way to “walk through it”, but in all reality I’m never going to be “through” my grief. Our daughter died. Landon’s sister died. There will always be a shadow of grief over me, over our little family.
I can see myself in certain stages of grief. Sometimes I feel in the loneliness/isolation/depression area. I will want to be alone just to cry. Just to feel sad. It’s not like I’m wanting to be alone so that someone will say “oh, what’s wrong?” or give me pity, I literally just need to be alone. At that time I have zero desire to be around another human being. I’m beyond thankful Shane understands that.
Today Kenley has been gone for 19 weeks. It does not seem possible. How have that many weeks passed by without her here in our arms? She should be here in a baby swing while I’m struggling to get laundry done or something. I just can’t believe I will never have her. I will never hold her again. I will never get to kiss her sweet head again, or smell her baby smell.
I know it sounds so fucked up- like I only want her. Shane and I are planning to try for another baby, but that baby will never be Kenley. The baby will bring us happiness, and we will love that child more than our own lives…but it will not be Kenley. The harsh reality is that everything I did to prepare for Kenley is now for nothing. She didn’t get to use her bedroom, she will never use it. She won’t grow up here. She won’t beg me to paint her walls a different color “because pink is for little kids”, or ask me to buy her some outrageously expensive comforter that shows off her personality. I don’t get that with her, ever.
Instead, I wear a necklace to remember her. I wear a bracelet that says “mom of an angel”. I have the fox that she was cremated with tattooed on my arm. It’s just so hard to wrap my head around.
I’m extremely close with my Mom, and Sister; They are my best friends. We talk all day, every day. Growing up I just always thought being close to them was normal, but as I got older I realized that some people aren’t fortunate enough to have a great relationship with their mother/sisters. When I found out Kenley was a girl I was SO excited– This is it! I finally have her. My forever best friend. When I found out she died, I lost more than just my child. I lost an entire future filled with “my forever best friend”. I didn’t get to braid her hair, or paint her nails. Seeing Landon cuddle up with Shane, and seeing the look of pure joy in Shane’s eyes when that happens, makes my heart ache for her a little extra.
Life will continue to go on. The weeks keep passing, and I feel like nothing has changed…except everything has.