Somedays I wake up and realize immediately how empty I feel. Physically, emotionally, and mentally; I am empty.
• Mentally, I am constantly fighting off thoughts of guilt, depression, anxiety, panic and fear. Yet I’m still empty.
• Emotionally, I am on the verge of tears at any given moment. I’m able to hold it together better these days, though. I’m learning to carry my grief–faking it. All of that, and I still am empty.
• Physically, my heart aches with physical pain. I am no longer carrying my child, and she is not alive. My chest is tight 98% of the time. I’m learning to manage these things through breathing exercises. No matter the physical pain, I am still empty.
The days are ticking past in what seems to be fast forward. Each day feels like the longest and shortest day of my life. I cannot believe it has been nearly 5 months.
I heard a song today that hit me hard. I haven’t been able to listen to music in nearly 5 months. If you know me, you know that this is torture.
I have said to myself in a mirror’s company
Who’s that panicked stranger on his knees
All I want is to reset how I breathe
And slow down the fear I bleed
Light up my eyes, show them where to start
Unearth bright sides buried in their thoughts
I’m a prisoner to all the fight I’ve lost
So go on, love, you’re all I’ve got
I hate faking composure. Some day I hopefully won’t have to fake it, but until then…