I was so sick while pregnant with Kenley. From the very beginning I was throwing up and completely exhausted. I figured as time passed I would move out of that phase- wrong. I continued to be sick with her up until the week she was born. I remember thinking “holy shit, I’m 38 weeks pregnant and still puking my brains out- wtf?!”.
I gained around 11 lbs very quickly because the only thing I could eat was carbs. Give me all the bagels! But then I started getting really nauseous and couldn’t eat anything so I lost 17 lbs. I remember her pregnancy being far worse for food aversions than Landons. I dry heaved a lot with Landon; Kenley was full on sickness in every way.
My pregnancy with Landon was very different than with Kenley. We lived in Dayton, away from both of our families with Landon. I worked full time while carrying him, actually up until 2 days before I had him. With K, I stayed home and took care of Landon. We live near Shane’s family now, and closer to my family as well. This pregnancy was different; it was supposed to be better.
This pregnancy was supposed to be it.
Shane took such good care of me during K’s pregnancy. He took Landon to do fun things, cleaned our house, cooked, did laundry and took care of my complaining ass. Things were so different for both of us this time around. Landon happened very quickly after we were married, and while Shane was still new at his job.
Kenley came after many months, much heart break, and strong desire for a sibling for Landon. It was just supposed to be so different, but not in the way that it was. Somedays I cannot believe this is our life. What happened?
When I’m anxious about something I find myself avoiding housework like the plague. I will wash laundry, fold it, sort it on my bed and leave it there all day. When it comes time for bed, I will put it all back into the laundry basket and set it on the floor. Repeat for like 3-5 days or until what I’m anxious about passes. Valentine’s Day. Mother’s Day. Both weeks leading up to these “holidays”, zero clothes made it to dressers or hangers. ZERO.
Today was therapy again. I’ve told her about the housework avoidance + holiday anticipation thing. She told me to try and “cut back on unnecessary stress” …ummm…impossible? To avoid all things stressful, I would need a maid, and nanny. Oh and a chef.
All things cause stress now a days- maybe she failed to see that? I think it’s the nature of the beast that is child loss. I have random triggers. I cry at the most random times and for random reasons. I’m pretty sure I’ll always have them now. Sure, they will lessen or I will be able to handle them better, but they will always be here now.
What would really help right now is a vacation. I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately and I need to get away. I want to take Shane, board a plane and lay on a beach for a few days. I want to feel normal for 5 fucking seconds. I want to enjoy being married to my husband for a few days like “before”. I obviously still enjoy being married to him VERY much (this has not changed), but we’re both sad. All the time- in our own way. We both need it, but it just seems unrealistic right now.
Going on vacation would be nice, but it feels like a band aid fix. Life before K felt like a vacation most of the time; it was so relaxing and enjoyable.
I will forever long for what we had in our “before”, including our beautiful baby girl.
Our first daughter.
I’m not a therapist, but it makes complete sense to me that random things would be triggers for you. LIFE is made up of lots of random stuff, and that’s what you lost… a LIFE. Your daughter’s life. The life you and she and Shane and Landon were supposed to have together. You lost all the big moments, but even more of the little ones. And while you can prepare for the big ones (holidays, anniversaries), it’s the little ones that will catch you unaware.
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I agree with everything you said, Susan. That’s exactly what it is. The little things are daily reminders and the larger holidays just cause more of the anticipation anxiety I think. I’m trying to figure out how to feel better when the holidays approach, but I’m starting to see that this “first” year might sting a little more.