Therapy.

Posted by Randi

On Wednesday’s Shane and I see a therapist. I don’t think he was super thrilled to start going, but I think he looks forward to it now. I could be totally wrong, but I don’t think I am 😉 It gives us an hour a week to dedicate to talking about Kenley in a “safe” place.

Shane and I have been very open with each other since everything happened. Honestly, that’s never been an issue for us; we talk about allllll the things. I know that we are both handling our grief differently, obviously, but we’re both going through it. I figured it was a good plan for us to have someone to talk to, so I don’t place all of my grief on Shane and expect him to carry it. I can’t expect that from Shane (even though I know he would do that for me; he has done that for me).

Today the therapist spoke about the movie “what dreams may come”. I’ve never seen it but I guess the husband and wife lose their children, the woman struggles a lot/ in a different way than her husband, and then the husband ends up dying as well. The woman ends up taking her own life, and makes her own “hell/limbo”, while the husband is in his own “heaven/limbo and it’s a happy place for him with good memories. I’m not sure the rest of it but ultimately my therapist said the woman in the movie just wanted her husband to meet her in her grief; be with her in her level of sadness.

I thought about it and really understand that. The difference is that I don’t want Shane to meet me in my grief. I think he feels his own “level” of grief differently than I do. Sometimes I look at Shane and think “he’s handling this very well”. Not like in a way that I’m mad he’s doing better, but in a way that I wonder if I’m stuck here. Am I making my own hell? The therapist said everything I’m feeling is normal, and 100% expected for what I’ve gone through. She told me to allow myself to feel whatever I feel at any time. To tell everyone what I need from them. She also said that I need to realize that the people who are worth keeping in contact with/in my life will understand my (temporary) absense as of late.

It was a really good session. Shane and I are grieving differently, but that’s expected. He has to go to work and face the “real” world, and I just have to face a 5 year old every day. I see when Shane is hurting and I like that were so in tune with each other that we can notice those things. I just love him so much. He has been my rock for 12 years (on the 18th!), and I’m so fucking thankful that he loves me. That he wants to be with me forever.

Landon has his first t-ball game today. He is so excited… I’m so nervous! When he’s out there in his baseball pants, and cleats my heart just bursts with pride. He is growing up right before my eyes and it’s breakin my heart! My little baby boy is 5, and will be going to kindergarten (!!!!) in 2 and a half months. He’s so smart, so funny, and so stubborn. Hmm…sounds like his father.

Next week, if I’m not by some miracle naturally pregnant, I have to call my RE to set up an appointment. I’ll have an ultrasound, and cycle day 3 blood work. I’m not too sure how it will work from there on out because IVF is uncharted territory for us. I’ve been having all the feels re: IVF. Pretty much a giant mix of guilt/fear/financial concern/anxiety. I think that sums it up.

Today it just hit me though…NEXT WEEK. We won’t start cycling until the first week of June, but it’s so soon. Next week will be the start of my IVF cycle. The cycle that could help us grow our family. The start of another child; a start of another pregnancy. With that comes excitement, too. Excitement is low man on the totem pole though, let’s be real. I think I’m just ready to get things rolling…

I’m ready to give my children a sibling. I’m ready to make our dream come true, at all costs.

19 weeks.

Posted by Randi

A friend from my support board sent this to me the other day. We had been discussing moving through grief. I’ve notice myself feeling in a bad fog on some days, and absolutely terrible on others lately. This picture just really hit home to me. I think I’m looking at my grief trying to find a way to “walk through it”, but in all reality I’m never going to be “through” my grief. Our daughter died. Landon’s sister died. There will always be a shadow of grief over me, over our little family.

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I can see myself in certain stages of grief. Sometimes I feel in the loneliness/isolation/depression area. I will want to be alone just to cry. Just to feel sad. It’s not like I’m wanting to be alone so that someone will say “oh, what’s wrong?” or give me pity, I literally just need to be alone. At that time I have zero desire to be around another human being. I’m beyond thankful Shane understands that.

Today Kenley has been gone for 19 weeks. It does not seem possible. How have that many weeks passed by without her here in our arms? She should be here in a baby swing while I’m struggling to get laundry done or something. I just can’t believe I will never have her. I will never hold her again. I will never get to kiss her sweet head again, or smell her baby smell.

I know it sounds so fucked up- like I only want her. Shane and I are planning to try for another baby, but that baby will never be Kenley. The baby will bring us happiness, and we will love that child more than our own lives…but it will not be Kenley. The harsh reality is that everything I did to prepare for Kenley is now for nothing. She didn’t get to use her bedroom, she will never use it. She won’t grow up here. She won’t beg me to paint her walls a different color “because pink is for little kids”, or ask me to buy her some outrageously expensive comforter that shows off her personality. I don’t get that with her, ever.

Instead, I wear a necklace to remember her. I wear a bracelet that says “mom of an angel”. I have the fox that she was cremated with tattooed on my arm. It’s just so hard to wrap my head around.

I’m extremely close with my Mom, and Sister; They are my best friends. We talk all day, every day. Growing up I just always thought being close to them was normal, but as I got older I realized that some people aren’t fortunate enough to have a great relationship with their mother/sisters. When I found out Kenley was a girl I was SO excited– This is it! I finally have her. My forever best friend. When I found out she died, I lost more than just my child. I lost an entire future filled with “my forever best friend”. I didn’t get to braid her hair, or paint her nails. Seeing Landon cuddle up with Shane, and seeing the look of pure joy in Shane’s eyes when that happens, makes my heart ache for her a little extra.

Life will continue to go on. The weeks keep passing, and I feel like nothing has changed…except everything has.

As expected.

Posted by Randi

Yesterday was really hard. I knew it was going to be, but I think it was harder than I expected. It was only Landon and I until about 3 when Shane got home from work. He went against my wishes and bought me a card for our anniversary anyway (how dare him lol). I tried really hard to keep it together but the minute he walked in the door I realized how not ok I really was. He hugged and kissed me, and asked if I had been holding it in all day. Answer? Yup.

His card was so amazing; He always knows exactly what to say. The card really made me feel better. He spoke about Kenley and Landon, and about me being their Mother. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I’m so thankful for him, and how well he understands me. I never feel like I have to hide my feelings from him. I feel like he actually cares how I feel and what I have to say. He gets it. He (unfortunately) understands 100% how the loss is affecting our family. He’s living it too.

As we were going to bed last night, I checked my phone like I normally do. I had a text from a friend about her Mother and Kenley being together in Heaven. It said she thinks her mom is up there with my baby girl dressing her in cute outfits, and big giant sun hats. I’m not religious by any stretch of the imagination, but the thought of Kenley being with someone who would dress her up, and treat her how I would treat her was comforting. It made me happy and sad all at the same time. That’s how most things make me feel- Happy & Sad all at the same time. Shane hugged me and I just felt myself release all the stress of the day. I ugly cried for a few minutes while he rubbed my back.

I went for a walk with Wilbert (our dog) last night after dinner. I needed time alone. I didn’t think about anything really, but it was nice to be alone. I don’t know…Sometimes I just feel like I need a time out from my life. Everyones life is just going on normally, and it’s painful to see. Sometimes I’m fine with it, because what other choice do I have? Life is going to go on. Spring is here, things are blooming, the weather is changing, but I still feel like I’m stuck in that unseasonably warm December day. I’ll never forget it. It’s burned into my memory.

It was in the 70’s when we went to the hospital. Usually we couldn’t find a parking spot because they were doing construction. We found a perfect spot on that day, though. I feel so stupid looking back on it now. I should have known something was wrong. I am her mother. How did I not know? I shouldn’t have taken my time all day cleaning, just casually packing up her diaper bag, wasting time getting things together like I had all the time in the world. It’s part of the process, I know, but I feel so guilty about those things. I should have gone in sooner, maybe they would have seen something on the NST test. Maybe they could have saved her. Don’t worry- my rational brain knows these things aren’t true. My loss mom brain however…

I had a dream last night that I was helping a friend move. During the entire dream there was a woman chasing everyone that I knew, and she was shooting everyone. She literally killed like 10 people I knew. She would shoot them through windows while they were watching tv, while they were driving, or at the grocery store. It was just so weird. I remember she chased me and found me in my house hiding below a window and she walked up to me with her gun pointed at my head. That’s all I remember. Dreams are so weird.

Today was Landon’s picture day at school. I completely forgot. Not a good way to start the day. Lately, I feel like the worst mom to him. I’m trying kid, I promise.

Mother’s Day.

Posted by Randi

Thursday, Shane took Landon to buy me a Mother’s Day card/Gift. They came home with a beautiful floral arrangement, and a card. Landon walked in the door holding plant food, and handed it to me. I hadn’t even seen the flowers yet. He’s so funny.

Shane brought them in, and gave them to me. They’re beautiful; Lilies, Tulips, and Hydrangeas. I’m so lucky to be a Mother, and trust me I am thankful for Landon every single day. I’m pretty sure he’s my little miracle child. He was conceived on the first try, came at 36 weeks, and has been a ball of energy since. I never knew how lucky I was to have him until I was diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve.

That didn’t come out right…let me explain. Landon was SO easy to conceive. He just happened. I never had the fear of losing him, because I never thought miscarriage could happen to me. I was blissfully unaware of the things that could go wrong in a pregnancy. I went to all of my Dr’s appointments and googled all the things, as most first time mothers do. When I started getting headaches so terribly that I couldn’t breathe, I decided it was time to go to the hospital. Boom, Cue Landon’s birth 12 hours later.

After he was born, I was told I had severe preeclampsia. I was at risk for having seizures, death, and my child could have been stillborn. What an awful thought! Why didn’t someone educate me on what could happen? Why was this never brought up to me at the doctor visits? Why didn’t someone explain to me what it was AFTER the fact? There was no information. It was “hey, this is what you had, here is your baby, you’re lucky.” Then I continued on with my life still blissfully unaware because I thought things would be better monitored next time. I remember nothing of Landon’s birth.

This morning I woke up and immediately didn’t want to get out of bed. Mother’s Day- AGAIN- without one of my children. This time it was different for me though. My first miscarriage happened after Mother’s Day. My second miscarriage happened before Mother’s Day. Those Mother’s Day’s were overshadowed by my desire for another baby that ended too soon. This Mother’s Day it’s overshadowed by the fact that my full term rainbow baby died in my womb and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t save her. No. Matter. What. I couldn’t do a single fucking thing.

It’s beautiful today; Sunny and not a cloud in the sky. 74 degrees. Kenley should be here, and she should be dressed in something so cute that it makes my heart burst with joy. Instead I’m trying to find things to keep my mind occupied and not think about what today is. It’s bitter sweet for me. I’m so thankful to be able to celebrate with my living Son, but I just want Kenley here to celebrate with us. I just want my baby girl.

Today is also our 6 year wedding anniversary. Six years. I can’t believe it. We’ve been together for 12 years already. Where has time gone? I never expected this to be how our 6 years of marriage would go. Six years… A wonderful son, lots of stress, infertility diagnosis, 2 miscarriages, and a gone too soon daughter. A dead child. A child who was completely healthy the entirety of her life, until one day she wasn’t. Until her heart stopped beating.

I am so thankful to have my Husband and Son, don’t get me wrong. I look at them everyday and my heart bursts with pride. I get to be with Shane for the rest of our lives?! I am SO lucky!! I made Landon, and he loves me with everything he has!? I’m so lucky!!

Missing you today, sweet K. Mommy loves you. The hole you left in my heart is aching a little more today…I hope you know how loved you are. 3adef77c027fe9a5e1de572a54c2a552

Isn’t it obvious?

Posted by Randi

I hate going out in public anymore. I especially hate going places where people don’t know our story…Kenley’s story. I feel like everyone should just know what happened to our family. Can’t they see the pain and hurt that I wear across my face day in and day out? Maybe I’m just expecting them to be able to see how terrible I feel. Maybe I don’t look as bad as I feel?

Landon had t-ball practice yesterday. I took him alone because Shane worked. I knew that I was feeling anxious about going alone, but what other choice do I have? When we got there one of the other families was unloading their car too. Of course. It’s the family who has perfectly spaced children (+ 1 on the way ). I know, I know. People are going to be pregnant around me- I get it. It’s not their fault Kenley died. But it still fucking stings.

Before K, we had two miscarriages. Of course those hurt; they were soul crushing at the time and still sting. But, they never made me lose hope that I would be able to give Landon a sibling. I always felt like no matter what we would still get our rainbow baby (a child born after a loss). When we ended up getting pregnant with Kenley after many failed fertility treatments, I just KNEW she was it. This was my sweet rainbow girl! Boy, was I in for a huge smack in the face.

I was pretty happy that the hugely pregnant woman decided to sit on the other side of the baseball diamond, completely out of my sight. The practice went on perfectly fine, and we were finished about 45 minutes later. When we made it to the car, I found myself trying to hold back tears. What would Landon think if I just started sobbing after he had a pretty awesome practice? I let a few tears roll down my face as he happily told me about the practice (like I wasn’t there and hadn’t seen it) from the backseat.

It just hits me at odd times, anymore. I realized I wouldn’t ever be able to bring Kenley to Landon’s t-ball games. I had seen that vision in my mind so many times. How cute she would look in a little dress, and hat to keep the sun off of her sweet head. How Landon would run over to us between innings to give her a little kiss, or touch her hand and say something cute. I knew how proud he would have been to have his sister there. Now I notice him looking around at everyone else’s siblings there.

Quite frankly it breaks my already broken heart into a million more pieces. I told Shane later that night that I just wanted someone to say her name. Just ask me how we’re doing, or say you’re thinking of Kenley. Just say her name. She was real. She is my daughter. Say something. Anything. Talk about her.

Someday Landon will understand the lengths to which we are going to give him a sibling. To add another member to our family. Seeing him grieving is the hardest part of this whole process, I think. He’s only 5, but he wanted her so much. It does make my heart happy to see how much he loved and still loves her. He’s such an amazing big brother.

Thank god t-ball practice was canceled today…