This weekend I’m in my hometown visiting my family, and helping my sister with some bridal shower things. It’s been enjoyable, and Landon has had a great time as usual. Being here makes me realize that I don’t view this as my home anymore; my home is 2.5 hours away, in a small town where my Husband is. I’ve wanted to move back to my hometown for nearly 6 years, and we just haven’t had a chance to make it work. It will never happen, and honestly I feel ok with it now. I like my hometown, but I’m ok with not living here. I wish my family were closer, sure, but that is impossible.

I went with my sister and 2 other bridesmaids today to get their make up trial run done. The plan was to have airbrush makeup done for the wedding, and I think everyone had super high hopes for today. Well… I’m pretty sure they all hated it. My sister and one of the bridesmaids washed their faces immediately when they got home, and I’m not sure about the other one. It amazes me that someone would pay for this service, when it  just looked, I don’t know, boring. I hope that my sister can decide on someone else who would do a good job, or that she is confident in herself doing her own make up. No matter what she will look beautiful.

Being around people who I’m not normally around really makes me realize how life is just trucking along, and I’m still “stuck”. I find it difficult to enjoy anything these days, and no matter how much I push myself to try and engage, I’d rather just not. I feel very lonely, even surrounded by a bunch of people. I know that’s my grief talking and shining through, but I’ve yet to figure out a way to combat it. My therapist says that I shouldn’t do anything that makes me uncomfortable; I wonder what she would say if I told her that all things make me feel uncomfortable these days?

We talked about “exposure” therapy on Wednesday. Shane brought up the idea, and asked our therapist what she thought. She said that it’s not a good approach for grief. In front of Kenley’s door stands a 5 foot tall t-rex; I have to have it positioned a certain way so that I don’t see her door handle. If I see the door handle, I know there’s a room behind there and I know that it’s her nursery. If the stand is blocking her door handle, I can almost walk past and think nothing of it. I don’t know. I know it’s weird, and it probably sounds weird to most people – but it’s what I need right now. 

Anyway, our therapist said that I don’t need to rush myself into going in. She told me to go in when I feel ready. She said “Honestly, a baby doesn’t even need it’s own room until what, 6months? You are in no rush”. This made me feel better; I don’t want to feel like I’m being pressured to be on someone else’s grief timeline.  I went in her room the night we got home from the hospital, and I went in at 4 months; I haven’t gone in again. Some days I feel a desire to go in, but I don’t. I don’t know why I don’t go in, probably because I just don’t feel like being sad. I’m “sadded” out these days; I can’t handle any more sadness, please and thank you.

It’s so incredibly hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that it’s AUGUST. My entire year has flown by in the blink of an eye. I have been in a fog all year, understandably, and it’s just so odd to me how time keeps moving right along. Today just solidified how everyone else is moving on, moving forward with life, and I’m just stuck here.

Stuck in the past, present, and future. I will always have one foot somewhere else, for eternity. I don’t think I will ever be present “in the now”.


One thought on “normal.

  1. This idea of exposure therapy is interesting. I don’t really know the answer yet. My therapist doesn’t call it that, but she seems to take the opposite approach as your therapist. She thinks it’s important that I keep living, and to do that, I need to expose myself to the things that I am scared of–maybe not in a forced way but she thinks I shouldn’t hide from things. And that I won’t know how much I can do if I don’t try. Then, if it’s too much, it’s too much. I don’t know yet if I agree with her.

    Liked by 1 person

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