Tomorrow I have an MFM appointment at 10am. It’s just a normal ultrasound, and I have to take in my jug of urine. Yep, you read that right.

In an effort to detect early signs of preeclampsia, I’ve been peeing in a collection hat all day and saving it in a giant plastic orange jug for the lab to test tomorrow.

I am so thankful my new doctor takes my pregnancy seriously, and gives enough shits to do this. How hard would it have been during Kenley’s pregnancy? Not hard at all. Granted she didn’t die from me having preeclampisa- I didn’t have it with her. It’s just one of those things, ya know? Just shoulda, woulda, coulda…saved her.

My mother in law told me that our memory chest is finished. Shane’s grandpa is making us a large hope chest for the foot of our bed to house Kenley’s keepsakes. I’m so excited to get the chest here in my house…but I feel like it’s going to add pressure on me (pressure from myself) to start going into her nursery, and choosing what I want to put in there.

I don’t want to put ANYTHING in there. I WANT to have her here, and have her need all of her things. I don’t fucking want to put her stuff in a box in my bedroom.

Life after loss is just so confusing and frustrating. I would give anything to not be here.