Well tomorrow is my birthday and I have been avoiding it like the plague. 

I got a card in the mail today from a friend that’s pretty funny and it made me laugh. Then people started texting- “what are your plans tomorrow!”, “you’re gonna be old tomorrow!”, “I hope you have a good birthday!”…..

I appreciate all the love, I really do, but I just can’t. Last year at this time I was 6 months pregnant. I remember last years birthday so incredibly vividly. I don’t know if there is anything I remember more clearly for some reason? 

It was a Tuesday. I got ready for the day and waited for Shane to get home from work. Landon was sort of sick. When Shane got home he gave me the most beautiful gift in the world- a past present and future diamond ring. It’s so beautiful and I wear it every single day. I saw it and immediately in my mind thought “when I die this will go to Kenley and my wedding set will go to Landon”. 

This ring was from all 3 of them. 

We went to the rusty bucket for dinner. I had potstickers and we had bread pudding for dinner. It was a really awesome dinner because Landon was in a good mood. 

Afterward we went to babies R us. Landon didn’t feel good so he rode in the cart. We bought Kenley some blankets and another sleeper. 

When we were almost home, Landon got sick in the car. I remember we pulled over and had to clean him up. It was so disgusting. 

But when we got home, it was all better. 

I was so happy to be with my amazing husband, my poor sick son, and the beautiful girl I had in my belly. 

This year…31…was supposed to be so different. 

And sadly, it IS different. Just not in the way I had hoped. 

I’m pregnant…with a new baby…because the one I was carrying died. 

Happy fucking Birthday to me.