the new year…again…

January 1st 2016 I woke up and my boobs felt like they were going to explode; rock hard boulders. Apparently they hadn’t gotten the memo that my Daughter died, and they decided they would still produce milk to feed the child I didn’t have.

This was an awful way to begin a year– empty arms, boobs ready to feed my dead child, and a hole in my heart that would never ever be filled for the rest of my entire life on earth.


So, this year, I played it cool. Fuck New Years. We went to bed early, and pretended it didn’t exist. giphy


2016 was a pretty shitty year. 2015 was the best year, and the worst year of my life, but then in comes 2016 to carry over the shit that 2015 ended with…so, I’m just hoping that 2017 is decent. I hope no one dies, I hope that I survive, and most importantly, I hope that the baby I’m carrying lives.

I know a lot of you are like “Oh this time is different! You’re on medicine now! She will be alive!”, but you don’t know. You actually have NO idea if she will be or not. You’re taking a big ol’ fucking guess. While I appreciate your optimism, it hurts to hear those things.

Now that I addressed the end of the year holidays, I have a few things to talk about that happened late December.

First, I was able to take all of my donations up to the hospital on December 28th. I met with a woman who has been helping me get all of this organized via email for probably 6-7 months now. She was so sweet, and kind. She hugged me and kissed me on my cheek. She told us that what we are doing is so appreciated, and that it’s amazing to have it be so specifically tailored to loss parents. We discussed the plans to donate around her birthday every year, and she agreed that this is a wonderful idea. I’m planning to get ahold of her soon to see if they were able to get the bags over to the hospital and how things are going.

And also, to keep my fears in 2016, I purchased the Stroller system, and glider we wanted for Alden’s nursery. It was scary, and I thought I was going to pass out a few times, but I did it.

I figured, if I bought these items and they were officially purchased in 2016, nothing bad is going to carry over to 2017 (because I will straight up lose my shit before I let that happen).

Doing all of this also comes with a boat load of grief, so theres that…

 We decided that we were going to purchase very gender neutral items because we do have 2 frozen embryos waiting for us to decide wtf we want to do as far as future children goes. But, that, I’m afraid is worthy of it’s own post some other day…yikes.


One thought on “the new year…again…

  1. Hugs. Donating every year around K’s birthday is a beautiful thing to do.

    I feel the same about other’s optimism. I’m (kind of) glad they are so hopeful for the baby, but it cuts like a knife. Makes me feel worse for not being as excited as they are.

    Liked by 1 person

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