I’ve had a rough day emotionally. I couldn’t figure out why until I looked at the calendar.
January 5th.
Kenley’s scheduled c-section date.
It’s been a week since her birthday.
How could we miss your c-section date by a week…one measly week. One week separated us my sweet girl.
I just miss you.
My MFM called me this morning to say that we are officially scheduled on March 15th @ 8 am for our c-section. Cue alllllllll the feels.
This is today; 27 weeks. Third tri has begun.
Also, Alden is head down so we weren’t able to get ANY pictures at our elective scan. We’re going back next Tuesday to try again. Pretty sure she’s not going to budge though…she seems to be nice and cozy.
I’m officially done with grocery shopping at this point in pregnancy. There came a time during Landon and Kenley’s pregnancies where it was just too much to walk around for 2 hours, loading the cart, unloading, reloading and unloading and putting away the groceries…that time is now during this pregnancy.
I started getting some RLP the last few aisles but powered through, but when I got in the car my stomach was as hard as a rock. Chugged some water when we got home, and laid down (read: freaked out and used the Doppler) while Shane unloaded the car and put the groceries away. I don’t know if I didn’t drink enough water today or what but I HATE feeling like that.
Tomorrow Landon goes back to school after being off for the Holidays. It’s bittersweet because I love spending time with him, but also I played more Uno, and Monopoly Jr than any human should in the last few days so…I’m kinda ready.
Tomorrow marks my 27th week of pregnancy. Some people consider this to be the start of the 3rd Trimester.
THIRD. TRIMESTER.
There are only three; this is the LAST. Um excuse me? How is this possible.
How has it been a year since I lost my first daughter, and now I’m entering the home stretch of a subsequent pregnancy for my second daughter…who will (hopefully) be my only living daughter.
Life is just like a really bad rollercoaster.
Life is like the fucking corkscrew at Cedar Point.
Tomorrow at 10:30 Shane and I are having an elective 3D/4D ultrasound. We’ve had them with our other two pregnancies so, I decided it was 100% necessary for this one as well. I know some people think they’re creepy, but I love them. Both of my children have looked IDENTICAL to the 3D scans. It’s amazing.
I’m both excited and nervous; more nervous that Baby A is going to look identical to Kenley. I’m not sure how I’ll react, but I plan to be open with the tech when we get there and s/he (undoubtedly) asks if this is my first baby/scan/child/ some other question that’s going to sting. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m going to warn her, before I even lift my shirt, that my stomach is bruised all to hell from lovenox and to not be afraid/call the cops on me.
Back in December I ordered curtains for the Nursery. Today they showed up, and I felt my heart drop a little. I don’t want to disassemble the remnants of “Kenley’s” nursery, but slowly it is happening.
It’s becoming Alden’s room now.
The curtains are adorable and I love them, but seeing Kenley’s curtains come down was a really sad moment. All of my moments anymore are sad & happy simultaneously and honestly, that is a lot to handle for one persons heart. I folded up Kenley’s curtains and placed them on her rocker. I’m not sure where I’ll put them, but eventually I’ll be able to find a place.
Shane once said to me that there will be a time where we look at Alden and we won’t know how we would ever survive without her; that we won’t know our family any other way than WITH her in it.
While I completely understand what he is saying, it breaks my heart that I will always have to wonder how my life would have been with Kenley in it…here, physically, not just in my heart.
Fuck. Grief and Loss are so incredibly hard to navigate.
January 1st 2016 I woke up and my boobs felt like they were going to explode; rock hard boulders. Apparently they hadn’t gotten the memo that my Daughter died, and they decided they would still produce milk to feed the child I didn’t have.
This was an awful way to begin a year– empty arms, boobs ready to feed my dead child, and a hole in my heart that would never ever be filled for the rest of my entire life on earth.
AWESOME.
So, this year, I played it cool. Fuck New Years. We went to bed early, and pretended it didn’t exist. 
2016 was a pretty shitty year. 2015 was the best year, and the worst year of my life, but then in comes 2016 to carry over the shit that 2015 ended with…so, I’m just hoping that 2017 is decent. I hope no one dies, I hope that I survive, and most importantly, I hope that the baby I’m carrying lives.
I know a lot of you are like “Oh this time is different! You’re on medicine now! She will be alive!”, but you don’t know. You actually have NO idea if she will be or not. You’re taking a big ol’ fucking guess. While I appreciate your optimism, it hurts to hear those things.
Now that I addressed the end of the year holidays, I have a few things to talk about that happened late December.
First, I was able to take all of my donations up to the hospital on December 28th. I met with a woman who has been helping me get all of this organized via email for probably 6-7 months now. She was so sweet, and kind. She hugged me and kissed me on my cheek. She told us that what we are doing is so appreciated, and that it’s amazing to have it be so specifically tailored to loss parents. We discussed the plans to donate around her birthday every year, and she agreed that this is a wonderful idea. I’m planning to get ahold of her soon to see if they were able to get the bags over to the hospital and how things are going.
And also, to keep my fears in 2016, I purchased the Stroller system, and glider we wanted for Alden’s nursery. It was scary, and I thought I was going to pass out a few times, but I did it.
I figured, if I bought these items and they were officially purchased in 2016, nothing bad is going to carry over to 2017 (because I will straight up lose my shit before I let that happen).
Doing all of this also comes with a boat load of grief, so theres that…
We decided that we were going to purchase very gender neutral items because we do have 2 frozen embryos waiting for us to decide wtf we want to do as far as future children goes. But, that, I’m afraid is worthy of it’s own post some other day…yikes.
Our Sweet K. 