Alden is 3 weeks old!

Some (most) days I look at her and I still can’t believe that she is mine. I get to keep this beautiful child and give her all of the love in my heart which makes me SO happy. Sometimes I will look at her, and I swear she is staring back into my eyes just telling me how much she loves me without saying a word. I know that she knows how loved she is, but I hope that someday I can actually tell her how much she means to me; how she came into our lives and brought with her the light that I never thought I would see again.

She is a fantastic baby. She pretty much only cries when she is hungry and loves to be cuddled. I bought a Moby wrap and have been wearing her around the house trying to get used to it. I think I like it, but I kinda hate it because it hurts my back. Maybe I’m doing something wrong, but I dunno. I guess I’ll have to youtube some stuff and see if there are different ways to wear her or whatever. I just wanna have her with me 24/7. I want all the baby cuddles.

I’ve been trying to take her into her nursery more to change her diaper, or get her dressed. I don’t know that I was actively avoiding it, but I realize I was in a way intentionally not going in there. I hadn’t gotten the swing out yet, because it was the swing my mom bought for Kenley. I also am having a REALLY hard time putting Alden in any of the clothes that we bought for Kenley that are hanging in her closet. I don’t know…I’m not sure if I’ll ever put her in them. I can see myself just putting them in a tote in the basement forever. Shane said something along the lines of “wouldn’t it be better to let Alden wear them, than to let them just hang there?”… and I really really don’t know the answer to that question.

It just doesn’t feel right.

And if we’re being honest, my gut feelings are pretty much the way I’m guiding myself through this whole “after loss” life.

Tonight I was clipping off Alden’s sharp finger nails, just like I did with Landon when he was born, and I clipped her thumb skin. Cue ALL the tears- hers and mine. She must have yanked her finger away from me after I had the clippers set and well…it was awful. I couldn’t get it to stop bleeding, even after applying pressure for like 10 straight minutes.  I called my mother in law and thankfully she came over with baby band-aids and helped to calm me down. Poor sweet Alden, ugh. I know that these things happen, but seriously. I think that our life should be fucking CAKE and nothing bad should ever happen again, in any sense of the matter. We’ve all been through the ringer, life, and I would appreciate you kindly leaving us alone for a while 🙂

How is it 11 pm already?!

I need sleep.