summer, siblings and sadness. 

Alden is 3 months old today! (See her 3 month picture on my IG!)  I can’t believe how fast time is going. She’s smiling, talking to us when we talk to her, and she loves her brother so much. Hearing her little coos is the greatest feeling. I’m so thankful she is here. She’s able to sit up fairly well propped against something, and I know she is wanting to sit up by herself because she constantly lifts her head and upper body up when she’s in the reclined position. I can’t wait until she can use her exersaucer! Her hair is coming in thicker in spots, but the back middle is going bald. She sleeps on her back and is constantly turning her head to look at ALL the things, so she’s rubbing it down 🙂

We’ve solved the hysterical car seat problem. She hated the infant seat because she was reclined, so I brought Landon’s old convertible car seat up from the basement, installed it, and bam– She loves riding in the car now! Thank god.

Shane and I took our niece Maddie and Landon to the public pool on Tuesday. It was such a good time, and the kids had so much fun. Of course we would choose to go on the day where two field trips were there. TONS OF CHILDREN. There were at least 40 kids with only 3 chaperones; apparently I look friendly because I made fast friends with 6 kids who all begged me to “watch this!” and to “count how long it takes me to swim to the wall!”.

Whenever we are out and I see a bunch of children playing together, I get sad. I get sad because I didn’t give Landon a sibling close to his age. So, here we are, 6 years apart and he has no one to play with when we go to the pool. I’m thankful Madison is here for him to play with, but I wish it was his own sibling. I wish I had 3 kids, all perfectly spaced out.

I often feel like I’m a bad Mom because I didn’t think about the possibility that I wouldn’t have been able to get pregnant again. He was conceived on the first shot, so I naively thought it would happen that way again. I didn’t plan things out, and I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty that I thought Landon was such a difficult child that I would joke about things like “not having another child because he’s so rough!”, or “maybe once he sleeps through the night we will talk about another one”.

Wow. If only I could talk to my 2011 self. I would tell her to get her shit together, and have as many babies as she could. I would tell her to cherish the sleepless nights, and the loud crying because someday she would have a child who would be born sleeping, making no noise at all. I would tell her to love on Landon, and not feel stressed out by him; instead, enjoy his unique behavior and nurture his love of all things dinosaurs, and math.

We had to buy some things to take to the pool on Monday night, so we went to Target. Target and I (and tons of other loss moms) have a love hate relationship. I found the cutest bathing suit for Alden in her size, and was so excited for a second…until the dreaded…well I don’t know what to call it, honestly, so I’ll say it how it is, until the dreaded reality of my life and dead child hit me like a ton of bricks, again.

Buying a 3-6 month bathing suit when I should be buying 18-24 months. Kenley would have loved to wade around in a little pool this summer. I remember Landon when he was that age in his little pool out in our back yard. He had the hose and would play with it and drink out of it. I wish I could find those pictures of him, but honestly even looking at photos of him around the age Kenley should be is extremely hard anymore.

**( Scroll to the bottom of this post to see the pictures I dug up of Landon at about a year and a half old. Ugh. My heart.)**

When we got home from Target, I text one of my loss mom friends about how buying the suit made me so happy-sad; how I have a dead child who should be here, swimming, but instead I have a newborn. I know that she knows I’m thankful for Alden, but that I just wish Kenley was alive. She replied to me with this:

L: “What if kenley wasn’t able to live a long and happy life in the body she was in until December 29? What if she’s inside Alden and ready to make that body a killer woman?”
It’s a wonderful thought– absolutely.  It makes my heart so so happy. It also makes me feel confused and sad and guilty because I want them to be their own people, But they will never exist without being intertwined.  I would never change that, either, but it’s just a really heavy thing to carry for the rest of ones life.

It also made my heart swell with love to know that she remembered my daughter’s birthday without a hitch. The actual date. She said it out loud (via text but still). It feels so comforting to hear people mention her, or her special day. It makes her feel real again.

Last night, after Landon’s T-ball game, Shane went to a drive-through to get a water and a Gatorade. When we got home this conversation happened:

Shane: “Why didn’t you drink your special treat” (with a giant grin) referring to the water that he bought which I thought was for himself.

Me:  “oh, Thank you babe, I thought that was for you!”

*he leaned in toward me*

Shane: “aw, why are you smiling?” then kissed me 🙂

Landon was there in the backseat but stuck his head up between us and said “awww”. Shane asked “What are you ‘aww-ing’ about? That your parents are kissing?” and Landon said yes. Then Shane went on to say  “one thing you’ll never have to worry about buddy is if your mom and dad love each other, because we love each other very much”.  I was out of the car by then, and Shane went to the backseat to get Alden out. He then said ” Your mom is my best friend!”.  Landon was looking at me saying  “ohhhhh I can see that you’re crying!” (because he always makes it a point to let everyone know when I’m crying haha). Finally,  Shane says “You’ll never have to worry about us not loving each other, because your Mom is the love of my life.”

I just started to cry.

I’m so happy that I have him.

Oh Buddy, I wish you were this little again. I love you so much. I wish so bad I never knew the heartache of losing your sister. I don’t even recognize the woman in these photos with you, and I’m so sorry for that.

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